Spring Break in Jamaica

First of all, even thought there were some stressful parts (like when the flight there was overbooked and we almost didn't get to leave!) it was hands down the best time of the last three years of my life. The last three years have been a blurr of disappointment after disappointment, devastating news after more and more dashed hope. I didn't think it was possible- but the whole time we were gone, I actually forgot that we are defective and missing out on the "meaning of life." (As my dad described having children at Christmas this year- nice, huh?) I felt normal- not broken or like a dented can at the grocery store. The resort we were at was an all-inclusive, ADULTS ONLY haven for infertiles like me. And even better than that: all the other people that were there didn't want to think about kids either- they didn't want to talk about their kids or anyone else's. So no one asked if we had kids, and I never needed to be polite and ask or see pictures. Frickin' awesome. I had fun. I was happy. I enjoyed myself. I didn't think at all about what I was coming back to.

I look at pictures of my face that we took while there and I can see that my face looks different. I look like I used to. I look happy- not beaten and I don't see the pain behind my eyes like in so many other pictures from the last three years. I want it to stay that way.

I want to go back.

I want to go to my "happy place." A place that doesn't remind me of what I don't have. I place that I don't have to hear about and see pictures of four births in two weeks (that was a nice surprise waiting for me when we got back).

Then, after arriving home and actually needing to think about my real life... I broke down. I cried. I don't want to go back to this place. This place of sadness. So many of our friends said things like, "must be nice" or "I half-hate you" or said that they were jealous... and I had to bite my lip to keep from saying, "oh yeah? well welcome to my world." I feel that way every day about everyone who has had a baby in the last three years. And there's been a lot of them. The first couple to have 3 births while we are TTC just ONE happened while we were gone. Yeah, that was from the "must be nice" comment person. Must be nice to be able to have a baby at the drop of a hat too. I'll never know.

New motto- tryin' to think like Bob Marley, "Don't worry, 'bout a thing... every little thing's gonna be alright." I'm trying. Hopefully that will be enough to keep the twinkle in my eyes in pictures- and keep the pain out.