Replacing anxiety with excitement

So I think my anxiety from the E2 suppression drama has finally worn down enough that I have gotten back to a state of excited anticipation for the egg retrieval and transfer. It also helps that it is only a week or so away! And to think that if I wasn't delayed the ER might have been right now, today- wow.

Today was my u/s after 4 days of stims. I finally got to ask the RE my questions, and he reassured me about all of them. It sounds like things are going well- Two days ago they could see 10 follicles, today he saw 16 ranging in size from 7-13 mm (most were around 10-11). My E2 went up to 195. He said everything was great, so I am continuing the same amounts of Follistim and Lupron. It really reassures me that things are moving along exactly as they should if the amounts don't have to be adjusted.

The shots have gotten really old, really fast and I am ready to be done with that part though. It's funny- the Lupron shot itself hasn't been too bad, but the side effects afterwards really ramped up when I increased the dosage to 40 units daily. The side effects I have felt are: bloating, tiredness, trouble sleeping, hot flashes, headaches, mood swings, as well as itching and hotness at the injection site. The Follistim has been kind of the opposite: the shot hurts. (I totally understand why Follistim's nickname is FolliSTING) But the side effects aren't really that bad from it- bloating and that's about all. I'm already starting to feel my ovaries kickin' into high gear, so I'm a little scared about how it will feel later on this week (especially since I've only taken four days of Follistim so far). I think it is just about time to break out the elastic waistbands!

The drives to and from the RE have definitely gotten old too. Today I had to get up at 4:30 am (on a Sunday) to get to the RE's early this morning for my u/s and b/w. Jake and I hung out in Green Bay afterwards and went to the zoo so we wouldn't have to turn around and drive back right away. It was perfect weather for a day at the zoo. I will go back to the RE in two days on Tuesday for a u/s and b/w after six days of stims. My appointment couldn't be any later than 7:45 am that day since Dr. S needs to leave by 8 am to go to his other clinic. I guess I will have to leave our house at 5:45 am that day- ick. Good thing I don't have to go to work afterwards and I can come back and take a nice long nap. Until then, I hope my lovely follicle keep doing their thing: my current mantra is grow, follies, grow!

Out of my control

So I am realizing how much of a control freak I really am. What I don't have control of, I like to have complete knowledge about. It is driving me insane not being completely well informed about what's going on in my body and what exactly it means. I know reproduction has to do with biology and biology is not really an exact science because every body is different- but seriously, where is the internet site that tells you exactly how many follicles I should have cookin' after 2 days of stims (and the table that shows every day of stims thereafter) that qualify as "average" "good" "excellent"... or "below average???" Then, where is the table that states what the E2 level should be to correspond to the appropriate follicle count and size??? As a bonus, a table that showed the % likelihood of IVF success based on those factors would a nice addition. I need to know if I am supposed to be thrilled, satisfied, or disappointed, or some gray area between those emotions when knowing my numbers!

After my OBGyn debacle at the beginning of our TTC efforts (yes, I can confidently say I DO know more about reproduction and issues surrounding reproduction than my ex-OBGyn, even if she has the market cornered on all the other areas) I just can't completely trust a doctor or nurse with my fertility. They all say it "looks good" and the longer suppression won't affect the success, but how do I know if they are just placating me??? In the back of my head, I remember my ex-OBGyn stating in April 2007- that she was sure she would see me back PG before my next appointment with her in July of 2007. Obviously THAT didn't happen. She also thought our issues were with me, not him- and the precedent was set for my mistrust of doctors from there on out. It has only been in the last year or so that I realize how much time was wasted on the 8 months of unmonitored Clomid I took... for 0% morphology, and how it could have all been different if I knew more at the time. I don't want the same mistake to happen again.

It doesn't help that I have not seen my RE in the last week and a half. All the times I was going back for just the E2 b/w, I didn't see him. He was supposed to do my u/s today and I had a long list of questions- but it turns out he had kidney stones and needed surgery this morning. I felt even less confident about getting an accurate answer from the nurses. I'm also not as confident in the nurse's measuring ability on the u/s- what if she missed one (or several) of my lovely follicles?

Dr. S should be there on Sunday when I head back after 4 days of stims... which is good, because my list of questions is getting even longer for him. Let's hope he has satisfying answers to each one, because the lack of knowledge is killing me over here.

I need a drink. But alas, I gave up alcohol for the IVF and I've already eaten WAY too much ice cream in the last two weeks...

Wohoo!!!

I PASSED!

My E2 level plummeted to 30.2 today so we are cleared to start Follistim tonight!

I am beyond thrilled and without words to describe how ecstatic I am.

This and this might help you understand how I feel right now.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for all the prayers and good wishes sent our way. I cannot truly convey how touched I am.

Meltdown

I had my first (and let's hope last) major meltdown for this IVF cycle yesterday. Yes, I know the E2 level dropped and this is much better than increasing or remaining around the same. But the point remains that it did not drop enough. I will have to ride this same 1-day roller coaster again on Wednesday. It is unbelievable how much more difficult driving 2 hours for just a little needle prick that takes five minutes then driving back 2 hours all before noon and waiting for a call that may or may not ruin my day is than I expected. It is an understatement to say that this has been a very rough week and I'm beyond ready for good news.

The stress that this IVF is putting me through is indescribable. IVF by itself when things are going as planned is stressful in its own right. 40 units of Lupron daily for a week is no picnic- the s/e are ridiculous. Add that on top of the drive that I have to take every other day. Add that on top of the constant stream of not-so-good news that I get after the 4 hour long drive. Add that on top of no insurance coverage and our ever dwindling financial status. Add that on top of a less than supportive mother who just said "I'm sorry" after hearing yesterday the level hadn't dropped enough again and then launched into the fishing report from their vacation. And finally, add that on top of the thought that if, IF we get the news we want to hear tomorrow- I have weeks more to go through this- because in the IVF world, my "IVF cycle" hasn't really even been considered started yet, until I begin the stim shots.

I kind of feel cheated, that this too, robbed me of the happy anticipation of finally getting to do something that may result in a pregnancy. I feel like I've paid my dues with IF. Nothing has ever gone well in three years of dealing with this. The worst case scenario has presented itself almost every time. I hope things start turning around before the ER. Frankly, I hope we get to the ER point, because now it doesn't seem as much like a sure thing as before. Unfortunately, a rocky beginning to IVF doesn't mean that I got it all out of the way and the rest will be smooth sailing.

I do try to stay positive. I do try to keep my faith strong. I do listen to relaxation music. I do try to do things that help get my mind off of the IVF and do things that I enjoy. Believe me, I am trying everything in my power to make this more tolerable and get through each day. If you have any other suggestions, please feel free to share.

Please, pretty please pray for us that the E2 level is below 40 tomorrow. And if you don't mind, add in an extra prayer for my sanity to stick around too. Thank you for any prayers and good thoughts you send our way.

E2 level at recheck today: 104. Still not low enough, but dropping. To put it in perspective, though: It would have to go down, on average, more than it did per day since Friday to be enough on Wednesday.

Our Anniversary

Today is the 6th anniversary of our wedding day. Who knew everything we'd go through, especially in the last half of those 6 years?

I have known my husband for over 10 years. We met the first week of college and he's been my best friend since that fall. Even in the beginning we were faced with adversity (Jake had a girlfriend at the time I was falling in love with him) and that adversity strengthened our relationship in a way that may not have been possible without that challenge. I only hope that our current challenge has the same result: we overcome it, strengthening our relationship and the relationship to our unborn children in a way that would not be possible without our over three year struggle with trying to conceive.

Jake is everything I never knew I wanted in a husband and more. I could try to list every wonderful thing about him- but I already tried to do that on my blog and didn't have nearly enough time to list it all. His sperm may be funky shaped, but I love his sperm all the same. If I had a glimpse at what our life is like now, before our wedding day six years ago- I would do it all again in less than a heartbeat. And I still think I'm the luckiest woman alive because I get to be married to him.

Our record continues...

... so our record stands: no good news from any appointment regarding our fertility and chance at conceiving a biological child.

My E2 level today was 169. An INCREASE from Wednesday's 124. The nurse said a flare up can happen sometimes after increasing the Lupron dosage.

Apparently my E2 levels (without meds) have always been a little high- the highest before this cycle was 104. According to the nurse, that isn't really horrible. (the good news, I guess) She also said there were a few other women at the clinic with elevated day 3 E2 B/W right now. Apparently I would need levels near 1,000 to be going through early menopause.

So the plan for this weekend is more Lupron at 40 units daily. I go back for more B/W on Monday. If my E2 is still high (above 40) I get one more chance- and I'll go back on Wednesday to repeat the E2 B/W.

(the not-so-good-news) If I don't make the cutoff on Wednesday, I'm screwed. I stop the Lupron and wait for my next cycle to start to try again. So there's the plan.

Right now my stomach hurts. And I'm really sad. Our anniversary is on Sunday- which is already tainted by Father's Day and the 1 year anniversary of my ex-best friend who now has a baby. My parents are going camping out of town for a week on Sunday- and it doesn't even seem to bother my mom that she's not going to be able to hear what's going on next week. My happy anticipation of IVF is long gone. That biological child seems even more far away than ever (if that is possible)... This sucks.

SO upset

So yesterday I was mainly unhappy because of the delay, and because I had to increase the Lupron by so much that I was worried about the side effects... and maybe a little unhappy because I wanted everything to be "right." Silly me- if those were only the issues, I would be sitting good.

After consulting Dr. Google- I am now full of questions for my RE tomorrow and I am also extremely stressed, worried, and upset that we are doomed before we even had a chance. Here is what Dr. Google said:

Estradiol and Infertility
High estradiol levels can have an impact on your infertility. Elevated levels of estradiol tend to indicate a problem with ovarian reserve. In high amounts, estradiol can suppress the amount of FSH in your system. This can cause your Day 3 FSH test to be inaccurate. In many cases, a high estradiol level indicates a complication with FSH and ovarian reserve. This can lead to:
lower pregnancy rates
poor ovulation
poor response to ovulation-inducing fertility drugs
*poorer success rate with IVF*

And this (which is WITHOUT meds trying to suppress):

Day 3 Estradiol (E2)
average range 25-75 pg/ml
Levels on the lower end tend to be better for stimulating. Abnormally high levels on day 3 may indicate existence of a functional cyst or diminished ovarian reserve.

Remember my E2 was 124 yesterday on day 3... do we even stand a chance?

Maybe you've seen this before, maybe not

On infertility:
Deciding to have a baby is like planning a trip to Australia. You've heard it's a wonderful place, you've read many guidebooks and feel certain you're ready to go. Everyone you know has traveled there by plane. They say it can be a turbulent flight with occasional rough landings, but you can look forward to being pampered on the trip.

So you go to the airport and ask the ticket agent for a ticket to Australia. All around you, excited people are boarding planes for Australia. It seems there is no seat for you; you'll have to wait for the next flight. Impatient, but anticipating a wonderful trip, you wait--and wait--and wait.
Flights to Australia continue to come and go. People say silly things like, "Relax. You'll get on a flight soon." Other people actually get on a plane and then cancel their trip, to which you cry, "It's not fair!"

After a long time the ticket agent tells you, "I'm sorry, we're not going to be able to get you on a plane to Australia. Perhaps you should think about going by boat."

"By BOAT!" you say. "Going by boat will take a very long time and it costs a great deal of money. I really had my heart set on going by plane." So you go home and think about not going to Australia at all. You wonder if Australia will be as beautiful if you approach it by sea rather than air. But you have long dreamed of this wonderful place, and finally you decide to travel by boat.

It is a long trip, many months over many rough seas. No one pampers you. (Isn't that the truth!) You wonder if you will ever see Australia. Meanwhile, your friends have flown back and forth to Australia two or three more times, marveling about each trip.

(and now, how I hope our story continues)

Then one glorious day, the boat docks in Australia. It is more exquisite than you ever imagined, and the beauty is magnified by your long days at sea. You have made many wonderful friends during your voyage, and you find yourself comparing stories with others who also traveled by sea rather then by air.

People continue to fly to Australia as often as they like, but you are able to travel only once, perhaps twice. Some say things like, "Oh, be glad you didn't fly. My flight was horrible; traveling by sea is so easy."

You will always wonder what it would have been like to fly to Australia. Still, you know God blessed you with a special appreciation of Australia, and the beauty of Australia is not in the way you get there, but in the place itself.

Adapted, orginially by Diane Armitage printed in the April 21, 1995 "Dear Abby" column.

Standing Still

Yesterday's post was titled: Movin' Forward. It should have been called Wishful Thinking. Notice today's title. Yesterday's post was hopeful and optimistic. Warning: today's post is a bit crabby.

I really needed today's results to break the bad-news-from-the-RE's spell. We have yet to go there and get exactly what we want to hear- or really even good news. I am scared, very scared, that this trend will continue up until our very last appointment there. Apparently God did not think I needed good news today as much as I did.

Today's results: lining was fine at 5.5. E2 B/W was not so fine at a whopping 124.

Suppressed, I am NOT.

So... no cool Follistim pen for me yet. What a waste of four hours of my day driving back and forth (and a waste of a half day off of work for Jake). I do, however, get to up my Lupron injection from 5 units (which for the record, I have always thought was awfully low compared to other IVF blog info) to 20 units... twice a day. That's 40 units of Lupron daily (or 8 times the amount I was taking). Did the first one all by my lonesome after the phone call- no Jake as a cheerleader even, this time.

So back to the RE on Friday I will go... and we'll do take two at hopeful suppression. Let's also hope that this XL dose of Lupron only has to be given until then.

I have a sneaking suspicion that those Lupron side effects that I said "weren't that bad" are about to get a whole lot worse. Oh fun, fun.

Movin' Forward

Tomorrow I go in for a monitoring u/s and b/w. Hopefully they will show that I am appropriately suppressed and then the fun can begin at night with my first Follistim shot. Lupron will continue at 7 pm, but the amount will get cut in half to 2.5 units. Follistim shots will be at 8-9 pm. Although I am not looking forward to devoting a good chunk of every evening to two injections, I have been itching to use that cool Follistim pen... and the awesome James Bond-like carrying kit that comes with it. (Thanks, Lau, for the JB reference idea) I also think it probably goes without saying: but I am ready to move to the next step... and get one step closer to being PG.

I have succeeded in giving myself every single shot so far. Jake helps with the prep work, like getting the syringe ready- but I have hesitated to let him poke me with the needles. I like being in control myself. I don't want him to hurt me... because if he did, I'm afraid I'd get mad at him, and I don't need an extra reason to do that (Lupron mood swings and all). I did promise him he can do one sub-cue injection as practice before he is responsible for the IM injections in my rear.

Lupron hasn't been that bad. I have a suspicion that the nausea was almost entirely the Norethrindrone's fault. I feel bloated at times, minor ickiness in my lower abdomen following each injection, and have had some mood swings. Pretty soon after an injection I get a very quick stabbing pain in my right ovary region. I think my eggs look like this- they don't understand what the heck is going on and they are protesting the unwelcome hormonal changes:

There have been a few times where I've been extra unreasonably crabby and maybe two times in the last week that I have gotten extra weepy (but heck- I've been like that for years while dealing with TTC unsuccessfully, that's nothing new). Jake noted that I seem to have goofy moments while on Lupron though. It appears that I say things with a silly voice while on Lupron. (For instance- the acu lady has me taking a Chinese medicine supplement called Women's Precious. I think I've pretended to be Gollum from The Lord of the Rings no less that 3 times now). I can also happily say that the first Lupron injection gave me a bruise the size of a Lima bean... and that's the only bruise I've gotten so far. I hope that continues. The past two nights I have had a hard time sleeping and have gotten really hot in the middle of the night- I know these can be side effects from Lupron, but I'm not sure if they are related or not. I also had a killer headache last night. Who knows? Could be the Lupron, or maybe not.

After our delay after the first u/s and b/w, I am a little nervous that the trend will continue and I won't be suppressed enough to begin the Follistim. Please send good thoughts our way that everything is right on track for us.

Vent: if not here, where?

I got this email from a co-worker today (it was sent to everybody at my school).

Hello Everyone -

Some of us are planning on getting together every Tuesday during the summer from around 3:00-5:00 and let the kids play together. If you are a grandparent or parent and want to come and play this Tuesday at our house with your little kids - you are welcome too!! We will be outside!! Please bring your own drinks and we will have some snacks available!! We will also have a little pool and water things out, so bring a suit and towel too. It's just a time for the kids to have some fun and adults to socialize too!!

Hope to See you on Tuesdays!!
BJ

We live at * - turn on * by * and we are one block past the stop sign - we are the corner house on * - just come to the backyard - we will be there!!

If you want come for the entire time or just part of the time that is fine.

Those that come this Tuesday - we'll make a plan of Tuesdays and I will email them out to everyone - so if you can't come this Tuesday - maybe another Tuesday will work for you!!
Have a Fantastic Summer!!
BJ - our phone number is * if you have any questions!!

Notice the attempt at including everyone: grandparent and parent. Grrr. Thanks for excluding me.

Both the husband and wife are teachers at my school and had their two kids back to back- in other words, they are uber fertile and have no clue that other people are not. In the three years I've worked at this school, each of them have made it a pretty common thing to inadvertently make me feel crummy because I don't and can't have children. First it was the group picture of the 13 babies born my first year there (and during year 1 and 2 of our IF). This picture is now framed and hangs above the copy machine in our workroom so I get to stare at it while being reminded of the pain it caused and still causes me. Then it was the countless cute baby and mother forwards that clog my inbox. Add in the smattering of invites to small child swimming events and evening get-togethers (for those with children only, of course).

Do I email something gently so they can get a clue? Do I let it slide and brace for the next exclusion offense? Or maybe I should borrow my neighbor's kid, show up and see what they say. Should I bring my dogs and explain that they are my children since I can't have the non-furry kind? What would you do?

As I sit here after my nightly Lupron shot feeling the sting and feeling kind of crummy in my lower abdomen- this email is making me extra grumpy. Life isn't fair- and that stinks. And here I thought I was done complaining about work for a few months.

Happy about AF?

Today marked a first for me: the very first time, ever, that I was happy to see dear ol' AF. I had actually been waiting for a few days, hoping it would come around. I had heard about other people having this kind of a feeling and never truly understood how you could be happy about AF when TTC.

Now I know.

There was even more of a 0% chance of any miracle conception this cycle, thanks to Lupron. Now I can call to make the first monitoring appointment, and hopefully start Follistim in a few days. Now I can move on to the next step. Now I am just a little bit closer to this IVF being over. And now, I am one step closer to being pregnant.

AF is here! What should I do to celebrate???

Summer at last!

I'm finally done with school for the year! Yesterday I was feeling ecstatic... but also a mix of feeling a little lost. Ecstatic to not have to THINK about my co-workers for three months. (if you were wondering, I didn't go atomic on my co-workers after all. The opportunity never presented itself) Ecstatic to get to sleep in and not wake up at 5 am every weekday.

However, my classroom is my home-away-from-home for nine months of the year. On the last day, I have to turn in my keys and I'm not "allowed" back in my room until August 17th. To me, it feels a little like moving to a new home. You're ultimately happy and excited about what new and better things are ahead of you- but a little sad to be leaving something behind. I know, I'm weird. I don't think most teachers feel this way. But what can I say? I guess I was born to teach and I just miss it when I'm not doing it (most of the time).

There's another side to it as well: I am used to thinking about school most of my waking hours- and spend most of my time doing work for school. When summer rolls around, all of a sudden my schedule is wide open. It can be a bit overwhelming to go from not having enough time to do it all- to having all the time in the world to do anything. And it gets boring really fast when every other person you know (except your co-workers) still has their 8-5 pm job on weekdays. There's no one around to do much with. And without LO's in our home, I have more time to fill than the average teacher in the summer, all by myself.

This summer I don't have summer classes to take (last year I took 7 grad credits which kept me busy) but I do have a huge schedule filler: our IVF. Right now I'm shooting up Lupron nightly and the side effects aren't too bad (right now). I'm twiddling my fingers waiting until my next cycle starts (and thanks to the Norethindrone, could be anywhere from tomorrow to 7 days after that. I don't really know how it may have altered my cycle length and the word is that Lupron can delay it as well). After cycle day 1, things will be a small flurry of activity. One call to the RE to make the day 3 appointment (which should also be the day the Follistim starts if all goes as planned) and one to the acu lady, who doesn't think I need to come in again until then. Then, I'll have a better idea of the dates for our next steps. But until then, I'm twiddling my fingers (and sleeping in).

Change of plans

Earlier I had mentioned that we were satelliting the monitoring for our IVF because our RE's office is 2 hours from our home. I was happy last year when we were told that was an option. It would be so much more convienent to drive to my usual OBGyn's office and complete the u/s and b/w, and we thought we might save a little money on top of that.

Now that the time is actually upon us, Sue, the nice nurse,( I would say favorite- but she's the only nurse at the RE's that we've spent any time with) called my OBGyn to confirm that she could and would in fact do this. Guess what? My OBGyn is leaving the clinic in less than a month. That's one strike. Then, as we were finding out more details, we found out that if we still satellited with a different OBGyn, I would still have to take the 2 hour drive for weekend and holiday monitoring (the 4th of July will fall during this cycle).

Strike number two.

And finally strike?

Now that we know how much the u/s and b/w would be locally- it will still probably be less expensive for me to drive 4 hours round trip every other day for a few weeks until all is said and done with the IVF.

So I bet you have figured out by now that we are no longer doing a satellite IVF. It is a very good thing that my last day of work for three months is tomorrow- because I've already started my next full time job: The Munchkin Mission.

Feelin' it

Thankfully, the nausea side effects from the Norethi.ndrone have decreased. They are no longer at the gripping-a-bag-and-covering-my-mouth-willing-nothing-to-come-out level all day long. Mild nausea I can take.

Unfortunately, the Lupron side effects are happily taking their place. Last night I blew up at Jake for something minor- and I knew it was minor at the time, but couldn't help it. It just felt so darn good to be angry and get it out. Poor Jake.

Then today at school my two particular co-workers were up to their usual antics. (Side note: I don't understand how people that are rude, condescending, selfish, negative, close minded, controlling, and uncompromising can end up being kindergarten teachers- when the opposite traits are what should be modeled and taught to kindergartners!) I've been putting up with their stuff since September and I've just about had it. Usually I deal with the issues, brush them off and try to be professional in spite of their unprofessionalism- but today their usual bullshit almost drove me to the edge. I was filled with a uncommon rage that I couldn't shake until I vented it all out to (again, poor) Jake.

In the next three days I will be surrounded by my co-workers as we screen the incoming kindergarten students. I am a littler nervous about what shenanigans they might be up to... and about the rage I might not be able to stifle until later.

They might not know what hit them.

Survived the first one

Short and sweet post:

First injection done- took only 10 minutes from prep to clean up.... no tears (but a little whining), and did it myself, with Jake on the sidelines ready to be tagged in. His shaky hands and my control issues are the only reasons why I held the needle.

One down, (how many were in the med delivery again? 143?) approximately 142 at home injections to go.

A preview of what's to come

Norethi.ndrone makes me nauseous. Incredibly nauseous, all day long. I almost made me throwing up on the bus the most memorable part of the zoo field trip today. A completely out-of-touch co-worker (who is aware of the IVF) told me with a smile, "welcome to being pregnant." Um, yeah. So I'm not, remember? And I don't have the guarantee of a baby at the end of this nausea. It really helped sink in the month of side effects I have ahead of me too. Oh boy.

Thank goodness school is almost over. I am ready to focus on me and this process- instead of pushing it aside to be a good teacher.

T-minus 22 hours until shot time!

Please also pray for my dear friend Carli and her husband Derek, who got a BFN on IVF #2 today. I am heartbroken for them and praying for their healing through this extremely difficult time.

Where to start?

Can just good news ever come out of an RE visit for us? I am starting to wonder about that...

Here's the summary of today: I am no longer a u/s virgin. Everything looked good on there... she said the lining is at 8.9 and I have one follicle that looked like had just released or was about to, so then we were on to the injection teaching. We left feeling pretty good about all of that- both of our stress levels were lower and things were good. I was rarin' to go with my 7 pm date with Lupron and a needle. We decided to stop by the good mall on our way back (1 hour away from us) while waiting to get a call about the progesterone results. I even got a cute new skirt (on sale originally $44 at Gap- bought for $20) as my treat o' the day.

Then the nurse called and guess what? I haven't O'd yet- so no Lupron tonight for me. I have to take Norethi.ndrone for a week to induce AF. (I'm not happy about that, b/c I know I would O and get AF on my own without drugs) But, I can start Lupron on Saturday instead. So it is only a 2 day delay.

My good mood instantly faded however- I know that this process is dependent on a lot of things happening just right- but darn it- something went wrong before we even got started! It was just another glaringly obvious reminder at how delinquent we are at makin' babies. I also know that that is only pushing it back two days, but see- I've spent a lot of mental effort preparing for this first injection happening tonight. Now I have two more days to agonize about it and now I have an added worry that I'm going to forget what she showed us. Plus- I'm not really looking forward to telling people, "thanks for asking how it went... I actually didn't get to do the shot yet...blah blah blah..."

On a positive note: Norethi.ndrone is not strictly an IF drug, so it was covered by my insurance. Which was excellent considering we had to pay everything for the RE's end of the IVF today (we are satelliting the monitoring locally- so that isn't paid for yet). Ouch! It's hard to suddenly have $11,692 less.

Earlier in the week I added a running total on the side of my blog that shows about how much moola has been devoted to this endeavor so far. I was amazed that before paying for the IVF we were already at over $10,000. Wow. After paying the IVF fee today- we're at over $22,000- and we're not done yet. It's hard to believe that much has almost literally flown out our window in three years. It's also hard to believe that we don't eat ramen for dinner every night... or live in a cardboard box down by the river. (We're not rich, people- I am a teacher and Jake is a writer- two occupations notorious for being low-paying jobs.)

Eyes on the goal, Katie, eyes on the goal.

And I might still need refills???

(Edited to add two new drugs to the mix)

My self-esteem

Needles- smeedles. Total count is now up to 70 (acupuncture) needles, and injections start in two days! Acupuncture continues to go well. On Friday I had major back pain and so the acu-lady (as I tend to refer to her, rather than Cheryl) put in two more and wham! Back pain gone in less than 24 hours. As someone who deals with back pain on an almost regular basis, that is simply awesome. Today I even managed to fall asleep with 17 needles poking into my skin- something she told me would probably happen, but I doubted.

I also need to brag a little bit, non-IF related. A little background: Students at our school take a computerized test called MAPS three times a year. We finished testing last week and got the results. My class did a phenomenal job on both the reading and the math tests. I am so proud of them! After looking at the other 6 kindergarten classes- no class even comes close to our averages, gains since the last test in January, or top scores. Over half of my class scored in the 90%tile or higher for reading. I don't believe in merit pay for teachers- but if we had it, I would definitely have some extra money coming my way! It is good to feel validated that I can do something well, if getting PG isn't.

Thanks to IF, my self-esteem tends to often take a hit. (Why can't my body overcome Jake's sperm issues? Why can't I get PG? Why does everyone else get what I can't have? Do I not deserve to be a mom? are questions in the back of my mind that I can supress sometimes better than others) I am glad that I have two new reasons this week to lift myself up.