So I am realizing how much of a control freak I really am. What I don't have control of, I like to have complete knowledge about. It is driving me insane not being completely well informed about what's going on in my body and what exactly it means. I know reproduction has to do with biology and biology is not really an exact science because every body is different- but seriously, where is the internet site that tells you exactly how many follicles I should have cookin' after 2 days of stims (and the table that shows every day of stims thereafter) that qualify as "average" "good" "excellent"... or "below average???" Then, where is the table that states what the E2 level should be to correspond to the appropriate follicle count and size??? As a bonus, a table that showed the % likelihood of IVF success based on those factors would a nice addition. I need to know if I am supposed to be thrilled, satisfied, or disappointed, or some gray area between those emotions when knowing my numbers!
After my OBGyn debacle at the beginning of our TTC efforts (yes, I can confidently say I DO know more about reproduction and issues surrounding reproduction than my ex-OBGyn, even if she has the market cornered on all the other areas) I just can't completely trust a doctor or nurse with my fertility. They all say it "looks good" and the longer suppression won't affect the success, but how do I know if they are just placating me??? In the back of my head, I remember my ex-OBGyn stating in April 2007- that she was sure she would see me back PG before my next appointment with her in July of 2007. Obviously THAT didn't happen. She also thought our issues were with me, not him- and the precedent was set for my mistrust of doctors from there on out. It has only been in the last year or so that I realize how much time was wasted on the 8 months of unmonitored Clomid I took... for 0% morphology, and how it could have all been different if I knew more at the time. I don't want the same mistake to happen again.
It doesn't help that I have not seen my RE in the last week and a half. All the times I was going back for just the E2 b/w, I didn't see him. He was supposed to do my u/s today and I had a long list of questions- but it turns out he had kidney stones and needed surgery this morning. I felt even less confident about getting an accurate answer from the nurses. I'm also not as confident in the nurse's measuring ability on the u/s- what if she missed one (or several) of my lovely follicles?
Dr. S should be there on Sunday when I head back after 4 days of stims... which is good, because my list of questions is getting even longer for him. Let's hope he has satisfying answers to each one, because the lack of knowledge is killing me over here.
I need a drink. But alas, I gave up alcohol for the IVF and I've already eaten WAY too much ice cream in the last two weeks...
6 comments:
Oh, Katie, you're such a Type A personality- exactly like me. It's tough not having control, isn't it? I, too, used to get annoyed/stressed when the nurses would perform my u/s to check on follicles. I thought they wouldn't measure them right or they'd miss one (or two or ten). And imagine my dismay when I realized it was a NURSE and not a doctor performing my IUI. And yet, I still ended up pregnant. So, I guess the lesson in all of this is that sometimes we do have to let go of some control and trust that these people do know what they're doing- doctors and nurses alike. :)
I think the answer may be that there is no way to predict how things will go. I know I struggle with exactly the same issues as you. Searched for blogs and webpages looking for stats to compare mine to as I was going through stims. It was interesting to look at: http://www.ivfconnections.com/qstimulation.htm#q1
She put down the "charts" of her two IVF cycles. But everyone is different. I've got tons of antrals, but had very different cycles with try #1 (cancelled for low E2) and try #2. I didn't have any >10mm by day 4 of stims. Then I'd get worried because I'd only have 3 >10mm, then 5>10mm after 6 and 7 days of stims. And then all of a sudden a bunch would show up. Apparently those are my PCO ovaries for you. All of my cycle info is in the sidebar on my blog, I think.
I've also read about other women having 7 antrals, and then they progressively watched those grow, without others popping up later on to join in the party.
And then in the end the number of follicles you have may not directly correlate with the number of eggs you end up with. My RE aims for 10-15 as his ideal number of eggs retrieved, balancing quality and good numbers to increase the chances of success, while trying to avoid OHSS. He told me I had 6-7 follicles in the perfect 18-21mm size range on the night of trigger, with a few others slightly smaller than that. E2 was 8500 that day (Canadian units). And we ended up with 16 eggs, 14 mature, 13 fertilized with ICSI, 11 by day3, and 6 made it to blast.
I got worried reading some other woman's story whose doc let her coast for a day after her E2 hit 23000 (Canadian units), then trigger with an E2 of 32000. 30ish follicles supposedly ripe. She had 23 eggs retrieved, 15 fertilized, and she got called day2 to say that most of them are severely fragmented and things are looking a little grim.
I was worried my E2 was too low at trigger, and things turned out pretty well for me. It seems like a bit of a crapshot!
I feel for you. I am such a detail person and it's so hard when there are so many variables and unknowns, especially in the world of IVF. Hang in there. I hope you get all your questions answered on Sunday.
I so understand where you're coming from. It's so hard to give up that control and let go, especially when everything is so planned out and scheduled when you're going through a cycle -- and give that up to a doctor. Way back when, I thought that the baby making stuff was in my control, it's hard to give that up.
Hang in there. And, more ice cream seems in order. We gals need our calcium after all!
ICWL
So nice to meet you. Those are my exact thoughts about doctors. You need them, but sometimes I don't fully trust or believe them!
I hope that everything goes well for you. I hope to be following along in your journey. Good luck!
~Michelle (ICLW)
I feel your pain, Katie. I'm exactly the same, to the point that my DH thinks I'm slowly going mad.
I think you're doing wonderfully and I believe in informed patients so don't let the RE leave before all you get all your answers (I did that at my last appt)
Just a little longer to go, you can do it!
How are the stims going? Not too many s/e, I hope?
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