Things I Worry About and Hope For

Things I Worry About:

1. The big one: IVF doesn't work= game over. The end of the road for a biological child. Maybe the end of the road, period (no pun intended- but slightly humorous nonetheless).
2. IVF cycle cancelled= so much money wasted, we can't afford to try it again and/or-
3. Timing gets messed up somehow, and my narrow window of opportunity gets shot to hell. Worst case scenario with this: IVF in August, then fails, then I have to be Mrs. *Cheerful* Kindergarten Teacher right away for back to school.
4. I finally completely go off the deep end while I sit at home alone (since everyone else works in the summer) watching the calendar for the next important IVF timeline date with no other obligations, twiddling my thumbs, watching my ever expanding bloated self. And. That's. It.
5. The shots.
6. The bruises.
7. The hormones.
8. My nether region becoming Grand Central Station, or an exhibit at the zoo, or some other similar analogy.
9. IVF works! But can't afford to have a child or children because we spent every cent getting there. Our children can't go to college because we spent all the $ trying to get PG in the first place.
10. IVF fails and I continue to get even more alienated from my happily-with-children co-teachers.
11. IVF works! but I am still alienated from my co-workers who can't understand why I never wanted to talk about their PGs but now want to talk about mine.
12. IVF fails and I can't handle being around small children anymore- so I stop being a teacher and then what?
13. IVF fails and I never mentally or emotionally fully embrace adoption.
14. IVF fails and we can never afford adoption.
15. IVF fails and I never heal- I stay in bed and never come out.
16. And thanks to Private Practice; my embryos getting switched with someone else's before getting transferred.

Things I Hope For:

1. IVF to work! Duh!
2. To have twins so I never have to TTC again! (and funny thing, I never wanted twins before IF)
3. To get invited to the RE's picnic with other ART babies!
4. To feel like I am a part of The Club.
5. The miraculous natural conception cycle right before shelling out the dough for IVF
6. To be able to look at babies and PG bellies again with a smile instead of yet another piece of my heart breaking silently
7. The heavens to open up and choirs sing as my purgatory ends!

Inspiring

While searching for words to support an IF friend yesterday, I remembered an inspiring song from my days as a camp counselor. I searched for an online version so I could share it with her. After re-listening to the lyrics, I was struck with how perfectly this song expresses how I feel about the women I have met through the Internet infertility world.

You all inspire me to do the things I think I cannot do- whether that is injections, IVF, or picking up the pieces after I hit a low point in the roller coaster. Since I'm guessing no one gave you a card or a gift to honor you for NIAW- I'm taking it upon myself to honor you. This song is for you. Thank you for helping me work through the most difficult time of my life.

Heroes by Ann Reed

What can I learn from you
In your lifetime, in what you've been through
How'd you keep your head up and hold your pride
In an insane world how'd you keep on tryin'
One life can tell the tale
That if you make the effort, you can not fail
By your life you tell me it can be done
By your life's the courage to carry on

(Chorus):
Heroes
Appear like a friend
To clear a path or light the flame
As time goes by you find you depend
On your heroes to show you the way

What can I learn from you
That I must do the thing I think I can not do
That you do what's right by your heart and soul
It's the imperfections that make us whole
One life can tell the tale
And if you make the effort you can not fail
By your life you tell me it can be done
By your life's the courage to carry on

(chorus)

Sojourner Truth, Eleanor Roosevelt
Katherine Hepburn, Sally Ride
Susan B. Anthony, Harriet Tubman
Annie Sullivan, Gertrude Stein

Coretta Scott King, Amelia Earhart
Lillian Hellman, Eartha Kitt
Sacajewea, Ella Fitzgerald
Golda Meir, Dorothy Dix

Louisa May Alcott, Billie Jean King
Emily Dickinson, Lucy Stone
Margaret Sanger, Clara Barton
Billie Holiday, Juliette Low

Elizabeth Blackwell, Rosa Parks
Lena Horne, Beverly Sills
Barbara Jordan, Helen Keller
Indira Gandhi, Agnes DeMille

Corazon Aquino, Gloria Steinem
Rachel Carson, Joan of Arc
Babe Zaharias, Marlene Deitrich
Anne Frank, Simone de Beauvoir...

As one of my heroes, you are among great company, too!

Slap Me On the Wrist

So yesterday I vented about my dear husband and how he was driving me nuts. I felt really badly later, because he truly is a fantastic husband (the best ever... most of the time) but he is a normal guy after all. So this morning after I got up, I deleted it. The post had served its purpose- I let off a little steam instead of venting at him.

Today I talked with my mother and she made me want to start a new venting post. But I'm holding back, lest I'm on here tomorrow morning before 6 am hitting the delete post button again.

The thing is, I am aware that this is one way that IF has irrevocably changed me. I don't brush things as easily off of my back and I have a lot of icky feelings bottled up most of the time. So when you cross me, it makes me mad. I don't take negative things as well because all my energy to deal with negative things is tied up in our failure to conceive for the past three years.

I know that lots of good things will ultimately come out of our IF struggles. And hopefully one day I will be able to look back at this and be able to say, "I wouldn't change a thing" because of where it got me. I hope fervently that this is the case. I know I am one thousand times stronger than I was three years ago. But there are also good things along with the bad and although I was never a sunny optimist- I am carrying around a lot of pain 24 hours a day. Some of that has to come out a little some of the time.

So to the world (and Jake and my mom): I am sorry that you have to bear the brunt of my frustration sometimes.

Randomness

I'm not feeling very motivated or creative today- just having a lazy, blah Saturday. I did want to update on my current $ projections for our upcoming IVF though: We're only about $500 short now of the estimate! And that is fantastic news!

Also, Jake had his communicable disease tests last week and my communicable disease tests are on Tuesday... so hopefully after that I'll start feeling like we are doing something to get out of BFA land (BFA= Big Fat Abyss, according to Bottoms Off and On the Table) rather than just sitting around and doing nothing.

I also realized that I have not talked about my fur children yet, gasp! Bella and Benelli are my replacement babies for now. Here are some pictures for your viewing pleasure:

Bella (the yellow lab) is a lot bigger now, but this is one of my favorite pictures of our two pups.

See how good Benelli would be with kids?

And one more of Bella just to be fair.

The Day Which Shall Not Be Named and NIAW

So I'm a little ahead of things. That's how I roll. (See beginning of last post: I already told you I was a planner- you were forewarned) TV and the card aisle at your favorite store are already full steam ahead in celebrating M-day (The Day Which Shall Not Be Named)- so why can't I be early with NIAW too?

In case you didn't know, NIAW starts April 25th and goes through May 2nd. To celebrate, today, I started an argument I know I have no shot in hell at winning with our insurance reps. It went something like this via email: "Causes no harm, my ass." and "Tell me what physical harm is being treated with V*agra then." and "the CDC considers it a medical condition, why don't you?" Maybe I can get Jake to bake a NIAW cake- or even give me a gift! Hey, why not??? So what are you planning to do for NIAW week?

Now back to That Day in May. I am already dreading it, like any IFer does. For me, it starts well before the cards come out or the ads begin. For me, it starts when I begin planning my lessons. Hmmm... what should we make for That Day's gifts in kindergarten? What should I teach that week about that topic? Twist that knife a little more. I have cute songs we sing, books we read... and we even recognize That Day at our grade-wide concert that always falls on that Friday. Torture, really. But I can gleefully say, it won't be quite so bad this year! Because I have a student teacher! She will be reading the books, singing the songs, and making the cards and gifts. And me, I'll be in my happy place- or locked in the back store room where I can't hear their darn singing. Then the weekend around That Day... I will be at a spa, with my now-I-know-who-my-real-friends-are friend- who needs a little spa happy place time too. I think I will start a yearly tradition, baby or not.

Psychic Predictions Are Like Crack

I am a type A personality. I am a planner. I am goal driven. Everything that comes with IF goes against the very essence of my personality.

This is the way it was supposed to go: First baby: boy, born in April 2007, which would have given me a perfect amount of time to use up the sick days I had accumulated and take me on maternity leave right through to the summer. I was okay with one month earlier or later than that... b/c I knew that you didn't always get PG right away and I thought I was being realistic. Ha- I was SO naive. We even started "trying" in April 2006 so that I had three months to get there. Second and final baby: Girl born in spring 2010 so that she would graduate from high school in 2018, exactly 30 years after me (it fascinated me that my mother graduated exactly 30 years before me in 1968 and I wanted to continue that). Now obviously, all my well-laid plans are long gone- like a fart in the wind.

So now I have come to terms that I have no real control over any part of conception. It hasn't stopped me from doing whatever I can to know more about the "when" though. Hence the psychic predictions. Last June after receiving the devastating news from the RE that the only recommendation for us was IVF with ICSI, and a quick thought about our bank accounts brought the brutal realization that IVF was as realistic an option in the near future as becoming an astronaut and walking on Mars- I learned about some baby psychics through a forum I lurked on at the time. I wanted answers. I wanted hope. So I contacted them.

Not being satisfied with just one, I contacted all four of them. Three gave very similar predictions: all three pretty much conceive/BFP fall 2008. Great I thought. Renewed hope. This can happen on its own (it only takes one little guy), and that isn't that far away. Well you are probably figuring it out by now that those predictions were BUNK. I held out hope that the final prediction "April conceive/find out or birth but leaning towards conceive/find out 2009" would work out. April seemed so far away at the time, but it was better than nothing. Guess what?-I know now that conceive/BFP in April is BUNK too. But I hold out hope that April birth is spot on, because if the IVF is successful- the EDD would be in April. Recently that psychic had a free reading giveaway. I sent a request, needing a little reassurance that April was in fact still in the cards. And I'm a sucker for these baby predictions. She sent back this, "They show me a GIRL and they tell me JUNE so this is either birth month, conceive month or the month you find out in." Um, kay. Well- what happened to April? And June isn't even a possibility for conceive/find out because I will be on suppressing meds for the IVF! I know, I know- I should have let sleeping dogs lie. So I contact her again asking what's up with that??? and she says, "because you had already received a reading with your child to come first, they automatically go with the next child after and provide that connection... I am still trying to figure out why they do that, but it does happen that way."

In the past three years I have disproven wishing on a shooting star, fortune cookies, wishing on wishbones, and making a wish when blowing out candles. Is it asking too much to still believe in psychics??? I guess so.

Good lord. I am so done with baby psychics.

But I did ask Santa to bring 3 BFP's for my chat group, and he delivered. I also asked the Easter bunny for 5 BFP's by Easter, and I got that too. So psychics may be out, but Santa and the Easter bunny... I still believe in those.

And please, do not send the people in the white coats to my house. I'm not telling you where I live anyway, so there.

Make that: one of THOSE weeks

See my previous post. Then add: three births in 2 days- all more than casual acquaintances. Also add being forced to look at grand baby pictures today from a co-worker I usually never talk to. Waiting on pins and needles for another co-worker to announce her PG so I can brace for the pity from the rest of the co-workers. Jake out of town for the week. And the icing: grand ol' AF showed up for the 36 or so time (?) I don't know exactly. I lost count a long time ago. Now I can officially say I've been TTC for over 3 years.

And that's about all I have to say about that.

One of Those Days

It was one of those days: 1 pregnancy announcement. Baby pictures. Co-worker drama that ended in an argument. Haircut that I don't love. My weekend plans that have been set for months were cancelled. (Camp staff reunion in Michigan) Now tomorrow I need to cancel the kennel reservation, cancel my sub, and see if I can switch my doctor appointment to a different day, but still get in before May. Uff da. Ever have one of those days???

Coincidence? I think not.

My student teacher started last week in my classroom and so far things are going swimmingly. It seems like we have a good balance- similar personality traits, work ethics, and we can hold long conversations pretty effortlessly. I am so glad this will probably be a superb experience for both of us. And I am excited for the next eight weeks more that she will be in my room!

Something she mentioned last week caught my attention. She has a five year old adopted son, and a two year old biological son. Hmmmm... is it possible to have "IF-dar?" If so, I think I've got it. Questions began forming in my head, but I wanted to give it a while before testing the waters. We did, after all, just begin working together. Then she mentioned having a daughter that died. Hmmmm... more flags raised. She didn't name this daughter to me, and it made me wonder.

Well, today she openly shared her IF story, and so I decided to share mine with her as well. (Being in the IF closet is exhausting. It's so hard hiding it from people around you. So lately I haven't been hiding as much. With the exception of one co-worker I really don't mind sharing our IF with anyone. Now, I'm not ready to announce it on faceb00k or anything... but if someone asked, I'd be honest. So I felt it was appropriate to reciprocate with her.)

Here's her abbreviated story: She and her husband had TTC for 3 years (coincidence #1- same as us!) and conceived their daughter through fertility treatments. The daughter was born at 24 weeks. She lived for five days. Then they decided to adopt (from an agency that I also have information from- coincidence #2) and was able to adopt a newborn in only 6 weeks. They were able to be there for the delivery. (Now here's the interesting part of that: guess what one of my biggest concerns about adoption is? Waiting forever to get a baby. coincidence #3) 3 years later they naturally conceived their biological child.

Ever since IF graced our doorstep, I have tried to look for signs of God's plan for us. Signs of what the right step is for us to take. What should I make of this? I think I can look at it two ways:

1. My student teacher had no problems whatsoever talking about babies, giving birth, or her struggles with me or my co-teachers today. I have not even come close to having gone through the depth of challenges she faced trying to have children. She was able to heal, accept, move on and live her life. Is God trying to tell me that my greatest fear- that I will never get past these icky IF emotional issues- is not necessary? That I will be ok, just like she is? That one day I will be able to talk about babies and giving birth and be around babies without this ever present pit in my stomach? Jake keeps reassuring me that it will go away. I'm not convinced yet.

and/or:

2. Is the right direction for us adoption? I have an adopted student in my room this year... this summer I met a teacher that is currently pursuing adoption... is this God's neon sign for me that adoption is the right path for us? If that's it, then in my heart I know that I am not ready for that yet. But maybe God is laying the groundwork for what's to come.

This is long, I know. Still with me? Good.

IF is frustrating. It is hard to understand. It makes you wonder over and over why??? I don't know the reason my student teacher ended up in my world at this point in my life. But I know one thing for sure: God has a plan for us. And I know that what He has in store for us is even better than we can imagine. I can't wait to experience it.

$$$

I should be doing school work, but instead I'm worrying about $. IVF is not cheap, people. And thanks to insurance companies... it is usually not covered. My lovely insurance company does not cover one cent. But if I need Viagra or birth control, or gastric bypass surgery, sure thing! Hey- we have a meeting with our insurance company tomorrow- think I should bring that up?

But I digress. Back to the $:

So... Jake and I refinanced our home a few months ago. That moola is safely stuck away in our not-big-enough-savings account. But everything we've got in there is not enough to cover the whole IVF process. Jake freelanced a little writing... I made some mittens... and that helped. But as far as my weekly calculations go, it still isn't enough. We can only estimate the total amount needed because some of the costs, like for medication, will vary.

I really, really, really do not want to be sucked dry AND be in more debt at the end of this thing. Especially if the IVF is not successful. We do have options if the money doesn't materialize by July. a.) take out a loan on Jake's 401k. We would be paying the interest to ourselves. or b.)amass a little medical debt from satelliting some of the monitoring to our local hospital (FYI, we are satelliting as much as possible anyway because our RE is 2 hours away) Medical debt is interest free, and we can pay it off whenever. But I don't want to do either of those options. I want to pay it all in full. I can only imagine how much it will smart to write out those checks after the IVF if it didn't work. I don't want to have the possibility of that.

*sigh*

Anyone have any tips on how to make about 3,000 dollars in two months? Or anyone want a pair of handmade mittens... for 3,000?

I'll settle for $20 a pair too, I guess.

Fleeting Feelings

Why is it that just when you are feeling good and in a good place, IF kicks you right back down with a vengeance???

Really, this rollercoaster of IF really has a sick and twisted mind.

This morning, I was in an unusually good mood for a last day of the work week. I was smiling, singing along to Bob Marley and sipping my Friday treat: a White Chocolate Mocha on my way to school. I actually thought to myself: Hey- my life is pretty good. And then as an after thought: Well, except for the not having a baby stuff, my life is pretty good. And then I almost cried. I almost cried because I was able to think about this hell as an afterthought. I felt proud of myself that I have come so far. And I felt good. It was nice to feel good without it being Jamaica-induced.

Fast forward to this afternoon: My day took a 180 degree about face. My co-workers were at their typical best. (I was going to type in rare form, but then realized its not so rare, really.) Then the -- I don't know, maybe 60th? -- shoe dropped. And no, I'm not exaggerating. It has to be close to 60 damn PG announcements I've endured in the past three damn years. I seriously didn't realize that I knew that many fertile uteruses. Omitting most of the details- this is a really hard one. She told me she was PG in February, then had a m/c. And although I would not wish a m/c on anyone or the inability to get PG (please don't misinterpret me)- she is PG again and that makes it hard. Makes it hard for me b/c I went through this with her about a month ago. Completely selfishly of me, I wish I had a few more months to build up the strength to deal with this. But I don't get that luxury. Damn IF. Stop toying with me.

Well, at least I get Friday off.

Oh and I didn't mention the appropriate daily quote from my calendar, "I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish He didn't trust me so much." --Mother Teresa

My thoughts exactly.

FYI

Now that you know "our" timeline, here is an explanation of an IVF cycle that I found online. I think it really helps explain what happens in every step of the procedure:

What Happens in a Typical IVF Cycle?
Since in vitro fertilization has to be coordinated with a woman’s menstrual cycle, a typical IVF cycle is about 30 days long. About three weeks after the start of menstruation (or two weeks after taking a low-dose birth control pill) a patient starts injections of a drug (usually Lupron, but sometimes a newer drug such as Antagon or Cetrotide) to suppress the ovaries. After 10 days of Lupron, the patient returns for an ultrasound scan and estrogen test level. If the results show that the suppression was successful, the cycle begins. The following schedule, adapted from Dr. Wisot’s book, is approximate, since fertility doctors and clinics have their own preferred protocols.
Day 1
Patient begins injections of gonadotropin drugs (follistim, gonal-f, bravelle, and/or pergonal or Repronex) to stimulate the ovaries. Lupron injections continue.
Day 6
After five days of stimulation, the doctor checks to see whether there are enough follicles developing to continue the IVF cycle. If so. . .
Day 10 (depending on the patient’s progress, this stage can occur anywhere from day 7 to 12)
The woman receives an injection of human chorionic gonadotropin (hCG) to trigger ovulation.
Day 11 (or one day after hCG)
The patient returns to the clinic for an ultrasound to check on the status of the follicles.
Day 12 (35 hours after hCG)
With the patient lightly sedated, the doctor retrieves the eggs by guiding a needle into the ovary through a tube inserted into the vagina. Around the same time, a sperm specimen is collected. The eggs and sperm are combined in a culture dish.
Day 13
Doctors check to see how many eggs have been fertilized, and what their quality is. If there are more good-quality embryos than can be transferred, some may be frozen.
Day 15 or 17 (depending on the clinic, day 3 to 5 after fertilization)
The cells—now called embryos rather than fertilized eggs—are transferred to a woman’s uterus, using a thin catheter. Two days of bed rest follow, after which normal activity is allowed.
Days 28-30
The final step: the pregnancy test!

IVF Timeline

Houston, we have a timeline. Instead of just saying we are planning on doing IVF "sometime this summer," we now have a definitive timeline to follow after Jake called the RE to get the scoop this week. I can breathe a little easier now.

To give a little background info: we have a very narrow window of opportunity to do this. Being a teacher, I am lucky to have summer months off which will make the frequent monitoring and last minute appointments very do-able, on my end at least. However, that also means that nine months out of the year- IVF just isn't possible because I just can't go in late to work- and I need to focus 100% on the 17 kindergartners in my classroom, not on me. So..... that means timing is very important. I also know that this all needs to happen asap after school gets out, so I have some time to recoup before the chaos happens at the beginning of the school year and I hit the ground running. Ever since the plan was to go ahead with IVF in the summertime, I've been stressed that the timing wouldn't work out. Getting the specifics this week helped ease a little of that stress. Now if my internal time frame can get in line with the IVF timeline, we'll be good to go.

The Timeline

• Received b/w paperwork- my appointment is April 17th. Both my and Jake's b/w results need to get back to the RE by May
• May cycle- get day 3 b/w completed (should be mid-May), meet with RE on day 21 (about the beginning of June- please pray that this is not on June 5th because my class will be at the zoo for an all day field trip or June 8th because this is the last day of school for the kindergartners) for injection teaching and to sign consent forms
• June cycle- start stimulation medication (should be mid-June). -As long as this happens after June 12th, everything will work out fine
• Mid-July- tentative egg retrieval and transfer
• Beginning of August- find out the news
• Rest of August- time to celebrate (hopefully!) and rest or time to heal emotionally before school starts

Hopeful estimated due date: April 2010.

Aaaaahhhhh! I can hardly believe that our chance at IVF is almost here!

How soon they forget...

Reminder to myself: DO NOT FORGET TO REMEMBER WHAT THIS IS LIKE if- scratch that, when I get to the other side.

I wonder: Is it just that it is so painful that you block as many memories as you can once you have a baby of your own in your arms? Is it that you don't want to look back so you forget to be empathetic? I am amazed at some situations I've experienced- when formerly infertile women do the very things in situations that they were once on the other side.

Today a co-worker's daughter was visiting at work with her 4 month old daughter. This is the third time she's dropped by my classroom with her baby and stayed for over a half hour. Not to chat with me, but to hang out with her mom. This isn't too noteworthy- until you find out that she had TTC for 23 months. Both my co-worker and her daughter have been aware of my situation for a long time now so you would think she would be sensitive to how this might make me feel.

Let me interject a side note: Each person's infertility journey is unique. Some things are harder than others for certain people. For some, a BFN is harder than AF. For me, AF is worse. For me, being around babies is among the hardest thing to stomach. Mostly because I hate the feelings I get at the time- sadness, despair, longing, etc- and then combine that with guilt and feeling badly that I don't want to rush up and hold or coo over the infant. Then add to that feelings of gut-wrenching worry that I will always feel this way about babies.

Those feelings I get around babies flat out scare me. I don't want to feel that way. I feel badly for feeling that way. And I'm scared to death that I won't ever stop feeling that way. Even if I someday have a LO of my own in my arms- will I be able to shake that feeling? Am I doomed to this forever?

At least in other similar situations, I can either a.) pretend for a little bit because the people don't "know" about me, or b.) make a graceful exit. But when she visits both a and b don't work. I am stuck. I can't leave my class. I can't pretend. I was blindsided by her visit, and it hurts. On so many levels, it hurts. I am having a hard time understanding why she keeps doing this to me.