PG Announcements

I got hit with a double dose of other PG announcements today- and came to the realization that unless they were preceded by IF, PG news will always hurt just a little bit for me and I will never be able to be 100% purely happy for the other people. (Of course, if it was a hard fought PG- then the previous sentence does not apply- those PGs announcements are the things that make my day like nothing else can, because that means somebody that day won a fight in the big IF battle). I remember reading another blogger's post about this very thought before being blessed to be in the same situation, and now I can totally understand and relate to those feelings.

Today the co-kindergarten teacher that I knew would be trying this summer shared that she was 12 weeks yesterday. That means she knew for about a week when I told her our news in August. I knew this was going to happen- it wasn't going to be a surprise for me, but it still kind of bothered me. The logical rationalizing side of me is trying to hold onto the fact that this is still the best possible outcome, because it would be a zillion times worse if our IVF didn't work. The comments then were made about how she always wanted 2 kids before she was 30 (me too, dammit) and how it is perfect spacing (she has a 3 year old) and how the timing is great for the school year too (and I will probably have to go back for two weeks at the end)- and from other people how great it is that she's such a planner (I am TOO- but what good did it do me, huh?) and I gritted my teeth. Now there's 4 out of 7 pregnant kindergarten teachers at my school. I know things like this are always going to bother me, because "they" didn't endure the hell I went through for over three years. "They" didn't have to go through hundreds of self-inflicted needles. "They" didn't have to spend their entire savings to get there- and will be able to buy all the cute stuff for their baby, get their master's, live in a nicer house, have a nicer vehicle, etc. And I know that life's not fair. But it still stinks.

Then my mom called this evening. She felt the need to call me right away (because she was so shocked) to let me know she just found out that my loser, trailer trash, jobless cousin is 8 months pregnant- and that she had apparently decided she wanted another kid, so went out and took care of that (but is apparently not with the father or seeing anyone). Um, yeah. Thanks Mom. That is just another illustration of how my mom doesn't get it. At. All. HELLO- your daughter just went through the most difficult experience of her life so far- is about to undergo another major life challenge that involves having children, and you felt the need to pick up the phone right away to remind her that other people, that are way less deserving, don't have to go through any of that crap???

Have I mentioned before that Thanksgiving is going to be interesting this year at my relatives' get-together? I still have not heard from my brother since I got this email from him and sent my eloquent reply. There is sure to be some blog worthy fodder after that holiday! Ha!

Fleeting Feelings

Why is it that just when you are feeling good and in a good place, IF kicks you right back down with a vengeance???

Really, this rollercoaster of IF really has a sick and twisted mind.

This morning, I was in an unusually good mood for a last day of the work week. I was smiling, singing along to Bob Marley and sipping my Friday treat: a White Chocolate Mocha on my way to school. I actually thought to myself: Hey- my life is pretty good. And then as an after thought: Well, except for the not having a baby stuff, my life is pretty good. And then I almost cried. I almost cried because I was able to think about this hell as an afterthought. I felt proud of myself that I have come so far. And I felt good. It was nice to feel good without it being Jamaica-induced.

Fast forward to this afternoon: My day took a 180 degree about face. My co-workers were at their typical best. (I was going to type in rare form, but then realized its not so rare, really.) Then the -- I don't know, maybe 60th? -- shoe dropped. And no, I'm not exaggerating. It has to be close to 60 damn PG announcements I've endured in the past three damn years. I seriously didn't realize that I knew that many fertile uteruses. Omitting most of the details- this is a really hard one. She told me she was PG in February, then had a m/c. And although I would not wish a m/c on anyone or the inability to get PG (please don't misinterpret me)- she is PG again and that makes it hard. Makes it hard for me b/c I went through this with her about a month ago. Completely selfishly of me, I wish I had a few more months to build up the strength to deal with this. But I don't get that luxury. Damn IF. Stop toying with me.

Well, at least I get Friday off.

Oh and I didn't mention the appropriate daily quote from my calendar, "I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish He didn't trust me so much." --Mother Teresa

My thoughts exactly.