I'm shopping for a new family

Just to review, my brother and SIL are PG and due 5 weeks before us. They waited a week after hearing our news to share theirs- I found this out 3 days ago. Yesterday I got this astounding email from my brother.

EXHIBIT A (my brother's email)

I don't get it. It shouldn't have been hell for you. All that loving and practicing should have been fun ;) Oh well. Guess I don't need to understand. Seems to me that you and Jake consciously made a decision to go through the process so I guess the needling this summer is a consequence of the decision. Susan and I didn't consider anything medically at all. For one, we didn't think the expense was worth it for a second child and for two, all the stories I've heard seem to point towards less stress and an easier going nature about it can be very effective. I can't tell you all the stories of people that I know that were just about ready to adopt and/or had adopted, when the 'ol baby making equipment started working. I was amazed as I started talking with more people about it. Having difficulty conceiving was a whole lot more common than I ever thought.

You shouldn't get worked up about mom telling us. We are all family. It's just the way it is and she was excited for you and wanted to tell us. Also, and I remember this distinctly, when she told us, she said that you asked her not to tell a whole lot of people so she thought it was ok if we knew. She was only doing what you had asked her to do. It's not fair for her if you change your story to make her feel bad. Imagine the position she's in and empathize a little. I think it'll go a long way.

I don't think I agree with you about the stakes being huge. Sounds to me like you're putting way to much pressure on yourself. Perception through email can be deceiving though. I can only imagine how Jake must feel. I'd be worried that he starts feeling like he can't do anything right. If there's anything that I know based on our experiences and all the others that I've talked with, you never know what the future might hold. If you want my advice, ease up and relax. Try to make it fun. Otherwise you'll risk ending up like Dad or grandma Dorothy:)

Good luck! We'll be thinking and hoping for both of you. Just remember, life goes on regardless of what happens so make the best of it.

I know you will be as incensed about that ignorant and hurtful email as I was. And now my reply email.

EXHIBIT B (my email reply)

I am almost speechless. I misunderstood your email thinking that if it took you a while you might understand a little bit. It stopped being between the two of us after a year and became between us and the doctors. 0% morphology means that NO SPERM CAN PENETRATE THE EGG. No amount of any "relaxing" or "loving" can change a medical diagnosis. There is no treatment for that- no "fixing it." Try telling a cancer patient that all they need to to is relax and not pursue treatment- and then the cancer will go away b/c "the good ol' equipment" will start working to cure you. Now, as far as making a decision to go through the process, I know that you are not a woman so you cannot understand the deep desire to mother a child, but imagine your life without Zach. Can you really tell me it would be a decision not to be a father to him? To me it is the same thing. Having difficulty trying to conceive is a lot more common than most people think. However, the percent of people that have no other child bearing option but to do IVF with ICSI (because of a medical diagnosis) is very, very small.

Oh, and many of the needles are to sustain the high risk pregnancy now. I need to continue this every day until 12 weeks. You try sticking a two inch needle in Susan's ass every night making her cry and unable to sleep because it hurts that bad and then see if you dismiss the needles as a "consequence." That's like saying if your child has a birth defect, it will be a "consequence" of the decision to be pregnant at 37. I would never, ever say that or think that because that is ridiculous and hurtful.

As far as mom- I told her in these exact words- "don't tell anybody." She then asked if she could tell Dad and I said yes. I don't understand how that is changing the story??? Your name and Susan's name were NEVER MENTIONED. I think I have a damn good memory and I doubt I am miss-remembering something that is this important to me. Mom has always had a way of altering information so I am not surprised that she told you otherwise. So she was NOT doing what I had asked her to do. I had trusted her not to tell anybody. She did not do that. She is the mother here and I am the daughter going through the most difficult time of my life and undergoing a very expensive, invasive medical procedure. I think she should be doing the empathizing- not to mention supporting.

Seriously the stakes not being huge? We have a 35% chance of miscarriage right now- and unlike you and most of the rest of the world's population, do not have the option to "try again." If this ends on Friday or any other day with a miscarriage, the three embryos (living babies) I carried died and I will not be able to have a child with the man I love. The stakes are huge and Jake feels exactly, 100% the same way. I know that you have not walked in my shoes so you cannot possibly comprehend this. I am just trying to help you "empathize" with us. I also do not have a job working for 3M- and I don't know your financial status, but teachers and writers make very little. We refinanced our house to pay for this. That much money will never be available again to do this very expensive, not covered by insurance, invasive, medical procedure.

And I promise you, that if you ever get a bring-you-to-your knees medical diagnosis (or someone in your family does) that changes everything you think your life would be I will never tell you to "ease up and relax. Try to make it fun." Your email was very hurtful to me. I hope my email helped you become less ignorant about infertility and our situation.

And I also sent him the link to Resolve's page that is just for family and friends.