It has been more than 48 hours since we found out there were two heartbeats. Have I adjusted to that news yet? Absolutely not. I find myself altering every part of what I had imagined the next 8 months and beyond to be like to fit a vision of two babies. The reality of it is that it is very very amazing, but very scary too. I am worried about so many things. Top of the list: Will both babies make it? I find myself prefacing every statement I say to Jake with, "If we take home two babies then..." It still seems like such a precarious situation. I am worried about all the additional risks we are now facing. I am worried about providing for two little ones. I am worried about being on bed rest and needing to take some unpaid leave time- which financially we just cannot do with the strain we are already under post-IVF. I am worried that the beginning of school is going to kick my butt so hard I won't be able to get through the day. I am worried that this twins thing is all a dream and somebody is going to wake me up at any moment and say, "Ha ha- nope you are still infertile and most definitely NOT pregnant."
I'm in a weird place because this growing two living things stuff is really kicking my butt right now. My day pretty much consists of sleep, pee, eat, pee then repeat: sleep, pee, eat, pee, sleep, pee, eat, pee..." I haven't vomited since last weekend, and the thing that best seems to keep my nausea at bay is eating a little bit, all the time. Plus 90% of the day I am ravenous- like think of a time when you were so hungry you literally felt like you were starving, and I'm there about every two hours. I read online that with twins you should be eating an extra 600 calories a day. It seems like I am downing more than that, but I figure unless a professional tells me otherwise, I should and will eat when I'm hungry (mostly healthy stuff, of course). I'm basically thrilled that it isn't all just coming right back up. The sleepiness thing has been harder to me to resolve, because between all the peeing and hunger, AND the constant stream of, "holy moly, TWINS. This means...," running through my brain it is hard to settle down enough to actually sleep. It is all a weird place to be in, because I never let myself think about what this would be like and yet I tried so hard to get here.
My body is most definitely changing too- I regretfully bought a bra one size up today. Being normally a DD, I wonder what alphabet letter I'll end up at in the end. Bra shopping when the girls are tender is not really a fun activity too. All these things I'm feeling physically make me wonder if they would be the same if I was carrying one, or if being pregnant with twins packs a bigger punch this early on.
I also bought my first maternity clothing- two shirts that were on clearance for $12 and $14. (Those suckers are expensive full price, so yay me!) I still feel like an impostor when buying stuff related to being pregnant or babies. I wonder when that's going to change? And when is this going to start feeling real?
12 comments:
I know it is hard to accept - and sometimes it is easier not to fully accept in order to guard your heart from disappointment - but you are the mama of two perfect little babies! Enjoy. And happy peeing :)
Wow...great job on the maternity clothes...I went to one of those stores with my preggo friend today..and I felt like an imposter too...I felt like everyone was looking at me like "You don't belong here"...*sigh*
Praying for peace for you...and lots of rest!!
Thanks so much for your sweet comment and congrats on the twins! I am so happy for you and will continue to pray for you and this new journey.
I do think that having twins means that your symptoms will be much more pronounced and start much earlier. I think everything you're feeling is totally normal. It's a lot to take in and adjust to for anyone, but especially after 3+ years of trying. I don't think it started to feel real to me until after 20 weeks. And even now, only the pregnancy feels real (you can't deny it when you feel constant kicks)...but it still feel totally surreal that this will result in an actual baby in a few months. I really do think pregnancy is a totally different experience after infertility.
Katie, it's totally normal to have these feelings, don't feel like it's not ok. You DO have the right to enjoy this pregnancy though, you've worked so hard for it! Twins don't always mean bedrest, plus you should be covered under some sort of short-term disability at work, right?
When I had my surgery I didn't work for nearly 7 weeks. 4 of those were unpaid due to not being at my job for a year. But we got by, it was ok. You'd be surprised how financially capable you can be in times like this!
And one more thing - thank you for not only being a blog-stalker, but I do consider you a friend!! So I'm here for you :)
Just like you mentioned it to me, everything will work out... it always does, some way or the other... it's just our nerves! It is crazy how we are so focused with getting PG, that we totally loose track of how it will be later! I am so excited for your maternity clothes shopping... I am still jittery by that thought! :P
I'm so glad that you are not sick everyday! That is such a blessing. Food was like torture for me to eat the entire first trimester (like trying to eat with the stomach flu for 3 months) so the fact that you have an appetite is awesome and very good for your babies. As far as it seeming real, it still doesn't for me honestly and I'm over halfway done. I, like you, have this fear that I'll just wake up and it won't be real or all of this could be ripped away from me at once. I think it's the natural feelings of someone who has gone through IF and is so used to facing the bad. It's time to start celebrating the good but if you find out how to do that please tell me because I'm still a nervous wreck! :) I'm sure both babies will be healthy and the rest of the pregnancy will be uneventful in a good way. But I can't really say much because I still have many worries that you do and it's easy to look at your pregnancy and be like "yeah she'll be fine and those babies will be very healthy" but then when I look at my own all the fears creep in (illogical as they may be).
I have several friends who have had twins, and based on their cumulative experience twin pregnancies can be just as "normal" as singletons. (Some friends with singletons had it far worse than any of the twins!) There are so many things you can't control, which is scary when everything up to this point has been measured and clinical, but let the doctors do the worrying (that's what we pay them thousands of dollars for, right?). I know, easier said than done, but I look at it this way: whatever happens, I can't change it, so I may as well enjoy what I have right now so I have this moment, regardless of tomorrow. If you plan for the worst (which is usually my style), you don't really soften any blows that may come, and if all works out you've just worried for nothing. It's okay to be worried, of course (how can any of us not after all we've been through?) but try not to let it interfere with this great moment in your growing family's life together. You deserve to enjoy!
congrats on the twins! that is very exciting!!
its hard to relax and not worry every second, but just have faith that your little babies are just fine!!
my sister went from being a DD her whole life to an F while pregnant/breastfeeding/after.
I would be so worried, too, sweetie! I'm sure it's completely natural.
I'm so happy for you! (((HUGS)))
Sounds pretty familiar to me!!! I started puking my guts out yesterday though - and I cannot sleep through the night. I have not slept through the night since conception - I swear. So, right now I am mostly concerned with getting through each day - and I am starting to get excited about the babies. Yep - really excited!
I have not been able to button my pants for a while - and I have been using the bella band. When you are pregnant with twins your uterus is equivalent to that of a woman pregnant with a singleton 6-8 weeks ahead of you....and good job with the eating!
Congrats on the twins!! That is great! It's normal to feel the way you do (about being an imposter)...I felt that way all the way up to my 3rd trimester!
((HUGS))
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