Adjusting to a New Daycare

I did not imagine that the transition to a new daycare would go like this.

It has gone so much better than I thought it realistically would go.

Sam and Anna have done great.  The only hiccup in the entire newness of it all has been that Anna did not nap a few days in the first 6 days they spent all day at the new daycare.  But, she also decided to take a nap strike last Saturday at home in the middle of those 6 days, so I'm not faulting the new daycare that much for that hiccup in her normal routine.  They have had a few accidents (less than 1 a day between the two of them), but they have been potty trained for less than a month so far, so that doesn't phase me at all either.  The same thing could have happened at home too, if I was still with them all day long.

But most importantly, I know they adore their new daycare provider, Rachel.  They don't want to leave when I arrive at the end of the day.  They are excited to go in the mornings. Randomly one evening Sam stated, "I miss Rachel."  During our bedtime prayers, Sam and Anna have now decided we need to add in Rachel, Pastor Ben, and Eliza (their 6 month old daughter) every night.  Sometimes their dog Toby gets put in our nightly prayer too.  Now I know that she could still be the "shinny new thing" with lots of newness appeal and once that wears off, their enthusiasm could wane- but I do think it is a really good sign that a.) they are adjusting well b.) they are getting high quality care.

Overall, I am so happy with how easy and great the transition to a new daycare provider has gone for us!

My Summer Is Over

Last year, I wrote a lot of posts about returning to work after 6 months of being home with Sam and Anna.  It was definitely one of the harder things I've done, but because being a SAHM 100% of the time isn't an option for us, there was no choice.

This August, I've pretty much steered clear of the topic because my motto has been mostly "it is what it is."

It will be hard.  I will be sad.  I will wish for more than just the summer months to stay home with Sam and Anna.  But it is what it is.

I know it will get easier.  I know some days will be harder, but I know it will be okay.  I know that our daycare provider is a great person to have care for Sam and Anna during the day and I know they'll still love me more because I'm their momma.  I know I may miss some giggles and smiles, but the ones I will see will be that much more heart-bursting.  I may miss a "first" but I'll always have my firsts with them.

It is what it is.  And it is going to be okay.

Postpartum Me

isn't happy with my appearance. At all.

"I know it's only been 5 weeks. I know that I grew two healthy babies. And I know that it will take time, I was larger than life so it takes time to shrink, it's all worth it and any of that other logical BS you throw at me. Believe me, I know it. But it doesn't mean I'm any happier with myself. " Danse said this on her blog months ago- and I wholeheartedly agree.

I gained a whopping 70 pounds from my "normal" weight pre-IVF to the last weigh-in a few days before I gave birth (Dude- that's like carrying around two smaller kindergartners. No wonder I was in more pain than you can imagine). I justified that gain because a.) I was carrying TWO babies, people- which means twice the amniotic fluid, double the placenta weight, etc. and b.) I was a smaller person pre-pregnancy (I so miss my size 4 pants) and had heard several times that the smaller you are, the more weight you typically gain. c.) I lucked out in the morning sickness department and only threw up twice- and it wasn't even that much those two times, so I didn't have that way of losing lots of calories when I was ravenous 24/7 back then.

I lost 40 pounds in the first three weeks. It was amazing! I felt like I could literally see the difference day by day. Then the next week I hopped on the scale, and... no change. Hopped on the scale the following week, and discovered only a few pounds missing. Right now I still look pregnant.

My wardrobe is more pathetic than ever. I remember feeling tired of the limited clothing I could wear at the end of being pregnant, and I wish I had that many options now. I still am wearing maternity pants if I go out in public. At home I wear stretchy bottoms, feeling at least a little good that those aren't still maternity wear. I wear my largest T-shirts or my husband's T's. I wear sweatshirts. That's it- my entire wardrobe. Soon I'll be heading back to work. Comfy pants and T-shirts aren't going to cut it there. I have been holding off buying any clothes- because optimistic me says that soon I'll be smaller and the new stuff won't fit for long anyway. Plus, it's depressing to try it all on. I tried on a pair of jeans 4 sizes larger than my old size (thinking that at least my jeans wouldn't be maternity anymore) last weekend and they still wouldn't button. Very, very depressing.

My stomach looks droopy, stretchmarky and deflated. It jiggles. I can't tell if my uterus is still stretched contributing to my belly or if that's just my belly. God, I hope not. Either way, it's not a pretty sight. I'll live with the stretchmarks happily if the rest returns to my old self. I can't fathom that happening even in my wildest dreams, though.

Next week is my 6 week postpartum appointment, where I should get cleared to resume all normal activity. I prepared this week by ordering Jillian Michael's 3 DVD set. 30 Day Shred, here I come. No More Trouble Zones: I've got a challenge for you. When I'll find the time for those, I don't know. But I don't think my power walks with the double stroller are going to erase the back fat and belly overhang I'm rockin' right now, among other areas of excess fat. I also ordered a pair of Spanxs. Two of the mean teachers in my grade have personal trainers- I am NOT going back to school without doing everything I can to make the lumps, bumps and jiggles disappear as much as possible.

I am scared that I'll never be able to wear my old clothes again. I am scared that the belly overhang is going to be there forever. I am scared that I'll never embrace the body that I have ever again- and it took many years from high school to my twenties to get there in the first place.

Prayers Please

Holy Sh*t- twins are difficult. We've hit colic big time around here, and although I'm beginning to sound like a broken record, I'm going to say it again, anyway: if you think something is hard with one baby, you can't imagine how hard it is with two at the same time. Both my husband and I have cried every day in the past three days. With one baby, they have to sleep eventually, even with colic, and give you a break. With two babies- there can always be a baby awake and crying. And it pretty much seems like they are. I was awake from 2:30-6:00 am last night with crying babies- and the only reason I started and stopped at those times was because my husband had baby duty before and after that time. Double the intense crying 24/7 is enough to drive you mad.

I'd appreciate prayers that we have better nights and figure out the magical cure to end crying for both Sam and Anna if you have prayers to spare. And, if you have any advice to offer, please do. (We do follow the 5 S's for Happiest Baby on the Block, use Mylicon and Gripe Water, switched to a gentle formula per pediatrician's okay, etc. already)

Here's a rare "content babies" photo that I have taken to looking at frequently, just to remind me that they can be content:

If I Can Do This, I Can Do Anything

Today marked the beginning of my first week alone with Sam and Anna while my husband is at work. My parents were visiting last week and helped me get through his first full week of being gone during the day. We really started out the week with a bang... and proved that when everything falls apart- all you can do is laugh, do what you can, and clean up later when you get a chance. And laugh, I did.

Sam and Anna both woke up from their first morning nap at exactly the same time, crying. This instantly creates a dilemma because it is impossible to change, get two bottles ready and feed two babies all at the same time. I started with Anna, since Sam had been sleeping lightly for a while and I was hopeful he could fall back asleep. Anna also drinks faster, so worst case scenario, I would be done with the first feeding more quickly. I changed her out of her pjs and got a bottle ready. Meanwhile Sam was getting hysterical, so I opted to warm up a second bottle, prop him up on a boppy in his crib and attempt feeding both at the same time. Unfortunately for me- it ended up that both Avent bottles I chose were leakers (Anyone else have problems with this? It happens very randomly to us but it is super annoying) and leaked all over me, the floor, the crib, etc. Anna then picked that moment to have a poop blowout in the clothes she had been wearing for, oh, about 30 seconds. So I changed Anna to the wonderful sound of Sam's frantic cries, during which she decided to pee mid-diaper change and go through yet another diaper.

When all was said and done, both children got fed in formula soaked clothes because I didn't have a spare arm to get different bottles. I don't know how much formula they each got and neither one was very sleepy afterwards because of how worked up they got during the process.

And Anna? she decided she wasn't done and had another poop blowout at the end of the bottle. Three outfits and 4 diapers in 20 minutes for one baby is my new record.

I'm beginning to think that Anna needs Pampers Swaddlers to avoid poop problems and Sam needs Huggies Snugglers to avoid soaking through. Seriously? I need to have an ample stock of two brands of diapers???

My lovely day continued and my children only slept at the same time for about 30 minutes total. Interestingly enough- they managed to want to be fed at exactly the same time, all day long. I'm thinking today might be the day I plop the babies in my dear husband's arms when he walks in the door and escape to Target before the door even closes. After all, we need more diapers, don't we?

What I Am Going To Miss... And Not So Much

What I'm Going To Miss:

• The feeling that I'm carrying around two miracles everywhere I go
• The kicks, rolls and hiccups of my two little ones
• Listening to the sweet sound of their heartbeats
• Seeing them grow on each consecutive ultrasound
• The unique connection between my little ones and me
• My husband reading stories to my tummy
• My husband's tummy kisses
• People telling me how great I look and their willingness to help me do things
• Eating whatever I want to eat and my husband's willingness to run to the grocery story to indulge any food fancy
• Not having to suck my stomach in
• Taking a nap whenever I feel like it/doing things on my own itinerary
  

What I'm Not Going To Miss:

• The back pain, hip pain, joint pain, arch pain in my feet, etc.
• Swollen feet
• Having a runny nose for 9 months that always results in a little blood
• The close relationship that I've developed with the bathroom
• Going to the doctor so often
• Getting the annoying calls confirming each and every appointment and verifying my insurance/personal information before every single appointment
• Wondering and worrying about what is going to happen, when they will come, will they be healthy, what will they look like, etc.
• The effort it takes to get up off of the couch or to get in and out of vehicles
• Sleeping on my side
• Each sensation that I can't identify in my stomach that makes me wonder what's going on- is something wrong, are these contractions, is this It?
• Having to eat so much that I'm sick of all food
• Poo issues- 'nough said
• A ridiculously small wardrobe
• Heartburn and acid reflux
• Waking up because my arm has fallen asleep
• Leg cramps
• Watching my stretch marks grow every day
  

In a Weird Place

It has been more than 48 hours since we found out there were two heartbeats. Have I adjusted to that news yet? Absolutely not. I find myself altering every part of what I had imagined the next 8 months and beyond to be like to fit a vision of two babies. The reality of it is that it is very very amazing, but very scary too. I am worried about so many things. Top of the list: Will both babies make it? I find myself prefacing every statement I say to Jake with, "If we take home two babies then..." It still seems like such a precarious situation. I am worried about all the additional risks we are now facing. I am worried about providing for two little ones. I am worried about being on bed rest and needing to take some unpaid leave time- which financially we just cannot do with the strain we are already under post-IVF. I am worried that the beginning of school is going to kick my butt so hard I won't be able to get through the day. I am worried that this twins thing is all a dream and somebody is going to wake me up at any moment and say, "Ha ha- nope you are still infertile and most definitely NOT pregnant."

I'm in a weird place because this growing two living things stuff is really kicking my butt right now. My day pretty much consists of sleep, pee, eat, pee then repeat: sleep, pee, eat, pee, sleep, pee, eat, pee..." I haven't vomited since last weekend, and the thing that best seems to keep my nausea at bay is eating a little bit, all the time. Plus 90% of the day I am ravenous- like think of a time when you were so hungry you literally felt like you were starving, and I'm there about every two hours. I read online that with twins you should be eating an extra 600 calories a day. It seems like I am downing more than that, but I figure unless a professional tells me otherwise, I should and will eat when I'm hungry (mostly healthy stuff, of course). I'm basically thrilled that it isn't all just coming right back up. The sleepiness thing has been harder to me to resolve, because between all the peeing and hunger, AND the constant stream of, "holy moly, TWINS. This means...," running through my brain it is hard to settle down enough to actually sleep. It is all a weird place to be in, because I never let myself think about what this would be like and yet I tried so hard to get here.

My body is most definitely changing too- I regretfully bought a bra one size up today. Being normally a DD, I wonder what alphabet letter I'll end up at in the end. Bra shopping when the girls are tender is not really a fun activity too. All these things I'm feeling physically make me wonder if they would be the same if I was carrying one, or if being pregnant with twins packs a bigger punch this early on.

I also bought my first maternity clothing- two shirts that were on clearance for $12 and $14. (Those suckers are expensive full price, so yay me!) I still feel like an impostor when buying stuff related to being pregnant or babies. I wonder when that's going to change? And when is this going to start feeling real?