The Post I've Been Meaning to Write for a Month

This post has been brewing for almost a month now.  We have major changes occurring over here, and a part of that was responsible for my dismal posting in November.  When you are mulling over completely changing major aspects of your life, it's a little hard to focus on much else.  It may also be wholly responsible for similar absenteeism after the new year.

Here's the crux of the changes:  My husband interviewed for and accepted a position at a new company.  This new job is an increase in pay (yay!) and also closer to our family (yay!).  This also means that we will be moving away from the state we've lived in for the past 10 years, and returning to the state we both grew up in (also yay!)  He was able to put off his starting date until January 2nd (kinda yay) but that also means that even with waiting a month to start, the roots we've put down here can't all be uprooted by then (not yay). 

In other words, we have a house to sell.  I have a job to leave- not the sort of job where you give two weeks notice.  On the upside though, the striping of my bargaining rights as an educator two years ago means I do not work under a contract anymore, so I can quit my job teaching kindergarten before the end of the school year.

So, when all that is added up, this is what we've got:  Daddy's going to be staying with Grandma (my MIL) Monday through Friday while he works, and driving the 4+ hour drive home on the weekends.  I will be solo parenting it Sunday night through Friday night every. single. week.  Our house is on the market, and we've had 5 showings so far.  Our current plan is that the kids and I are staying here until our house sells, because it would be hard impossible to lose my paycheck and also add in a new mortgage payment or rent on top of our current mortgage.  When we have a date of closing (pushed back as far as possible to give my school as much notice as possible), we'll make plans for all of us to be living together again 7 days a week.  That may mean renting for a bit until this Mama finds a new job.  That may mean living with my in laws for a short while too.  I don't want to rush into buying a new home before I know where I will be working.

Although, this may be a even larger change than we originally thought.  I've been pondering lately using this as an opportunity to leave the teaching profession.  Ideally, I'd love to stay at home with Sam and Anna, and so some sort of telecommuting job with hours that would allow Sam and Anna to not attend daycare.  In my wildest dreams, I'd love to try homeschooling them instead of sending them to public school in a few years.  Teaching (and education) isn't what it used to be- in the 10 short years I've been a kindergarten teacher, it has changed a lot.  I'm not sure it is what will make me the most happy anymore, and I'm not sure it is what will be the best fit for my own children either.  Truth be told, the tragic events of December 14th at Sandy Hook Elementary is playing in a role in this line of thinking (but of course, not the only factors).  Like many parents, I'm sure I was equally shook up about what happened.  But, as a kindergarten teacher, I can honestly say that on the next Monday morning, I have never felt less safe at a place I've worked.  I stared at those 19 sets of innocent eyes and felt the magnitude of the job I was and am entrusted with.  That being their teacher also meant that I would take a bullet for them.  But for Sam and Anna- the increase of testing, the increase of behavioral problems of other students impacting the learning of all, the lack of support from people outside AND inside the school walls, and now the concern for their lack of safety makes me question if a public school education is what's best for them.  Like health care and the political system, education in America needs fixing too- and I don't see it happening anytime soon.  And that is as far as I am going to touch upon Sandy Hook on my blog.

Pros to this big life change:  1. My husband's new job is 30 minutes from my parents and an hour from my MIL- pretty much in the middle of both.  I am overjoyed to finish this monkey business of driving 4+ hours every time we want to visit grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins.  I am thrilled at the opportunities this will provide for Sam and Anna to build closer relationships with their grandparents.  2.  Both of us have been unhappy at multiple parts of our current jobs for some time.  My husband's current company is on track to be run into the ground because of poor management and decision making.  Something needed to be changed on his job end at least, and he's very excited about the new things he will be doing at the new job.  3.  All the other little things we don't like about where we currently are have the potential to be different and/or better.  The things we don't like about our current house could be much better where ever we end up. 4.) If I do decide to get a new teaching position, our future net income could be considerably larger than now.  My husband's larger salary on it's own may create opportunities that are not possible for us now- like homeschooling, or a job for me with non-traditional hours that allow for Sam and Anna to stay home.

Cons:  1.) Um- did you read the solo parenting while Daddy lives Monday through Friday in another state part above?  I know I can do it because I can do hard things, but I can only imagine how much more difficult it may be when you throw in needing to have the house in pristine condition for showings in less than 24 hours notice, and while working a more than full time job as a kindergarten teacher at the same time.  2.)  I love the current situation we have for daycare for Sam and Anna.  I know there is no way we can find something just like it.  (Our pastor's wife who has a childcare background takes care of Sam and Anna with only her 11 month old daughter there, and does preschool like activities with them, for a very reasonable price.  Plus, they have been building such a good relationship with their pastor too- he's our youth pastor and he's soooo good with kids.) 3.) All the little things we love about where we live now we could lose.  For example, the great park we have so much fun at, the local farmer's market, the local children's museum, the wood burning fireplace in our living room, living within walking distance of the public library, friends we'd leave behind, etc. 4.) Leaving my kindergarten class midyear would be extremely hard.  Not just in the explaining it to my class and students' parents kind of way, but also in that I've taught kindergarten for 7 years at the same school.  A huge amount of stuff in that super sized classroom is mine, and really will involve almost the same amount of packing, going though, etc. that our home will.  Yuck- how on earth am I going to carve out the time to pack and move not only our house stuff but my classroom stuff- again, all while working full time and solo parenting two toddlers 5 days a week???

Overall, I'm going with the idea that to take steps forward, you have to be willing to take risks.  We could have stayed where we were comfortable (here) and be resigned to the things we didn't like.  Or we could take the risk that the potential of this opportunity has the ability to be so much better than our current now.  Only time will tell- but I am excited at the possibilities once we get past this hard interim.

What I Miss

This summer I had a grand time doing projects with my little ones.  I'm a teacher at heart not just through occupation, so it was right up my alley to have  mini preschool in our home this summer.  We had a blast doing activities for alphabet letters, from A to.... U.  That's right, U.  I had intended on finishing up the last letters after school started, because we couldn't quite cram in the last 5 letters with the first 21 in the time I was off from school.  But it just didn't happen.  Did you notice that my alphabet activity posts stopped after U?

A reality check made me realize quickly that not only did I not have time to collect ideas and prep projects for Sam and Anna while working over 40 hours a week, but we didn't have enough time to do any of them with our school days schedule.  They love having time when getting home from daycare to just play independently (or with each other) with all the toys they didn't have access to during the day.  Forcing them to do a structured activity with me instead would be just that- forcing them.  Since the main point of any project is having fun, forcing them would definitely be the opposite of my goal.  Plus, our new awesome daycare provider wanted to start doing letter activities with them, and I thought it would be just fine for them to start back at A, rather than pick up from where we left off. (Repeated exposure and all that.  I knew she'd do different things than when we did too.)

But I miss it.  I miss doing those project-y type things and creating with them.  There are so many fun fall-ish, halloweenie things that I would love to do with Sam and Anna. It's hard for me to be making apples, fall leaves, pumpkins, bats, spiders and skeletons with the kindergartners in my class but not have time to do something similar with my own children when I really want to.  I do give our daycare person ideas, and she does do some fun things with them.  However, it is about the process for me- the having fun together to create something, not just the end result to hang on my fridge.  I just don't know how to squeeze more time out of our daily life to do any of it.

Where I've Been and a Little Funny for Friday

Posting has been non-existent in the last week and a half because my summer was drawing to a close and I went back to work.  Naturally, that meant I needed to cram in one extra thing into my schedule (because my personal summer to-do list didn't get completed as well as I wanted) so we had a garage sale last weekend too.  This was our first since before Sam and Anna were born, and wow, garage sales are a lot more work when a.) you have a ton of small clothing to sort, price and set out on top of all the other crap stuff you want to get rid of sell. b.) you have two 2 1/2 year olds that have an innate sense of when you need to maximize the time you have and therefore should monopolize what extra time you think you have, but really don't  (as in, Anna's been on a nap strike lately.  Sam's naps this summer went from sometimes 3 1/2 hours pre-potty trained to just over an hour post potty training because he wakes up when he needs to pee now.  So the only time I've had to get stuff done is pretty much after their 8 pm bedtime) and c.) you have conflicting priorities because you want to make the most fun out of your last days as a SAHM for the summer but yet MUST set up your classroom before you officially need to be back at work since there's an Open House to which all your future students will be coming to meet you and check out your finished and "ready" room.  Being a SAHM plus tacking on the job of a WAHM at the same time is not easy by any means.

A lot of run-on sentences, but right now my life feels like one big run-on sentence:  so much on my brain and so much to cram in.

Welcome back to school and my life 9 month of the year, I guess.

I think by far this has been my most favorite summer with Sam and Anna.  When they were almost 3-6 months old during my first summer home, we were in the trenches with reflux hell, which got better right at the end.  Last summer at 15-18 months old was fun, but Sam and Anna were unsteady new walkers that didn't quite get all of our expectations for them (i.e. rules like staying by me in the yard and not running into the street) and they just didn't have the ability to do things like they do now.  I loved almost every minute of being with them this summer.  More than ever before, I would love to stay at home with them all the time and do fun things with them.  I am loving this age of 2 1/2 right now.  They are so good behavior-wise most of the time, that really, my classroom of 18 kindergartners is going to have more difficult behavior to manage daily than they will.  Plus, the sleeping in and not getting up at 5:00 am part was glorious, as well.

So as Sam and Anna are getting adjusted to their new daycare (which is going swimmingly well except for Anna's continued nap strikes many days), and readjusted to mama back at work we've been doing lots of talking about the changes to help make it go as smoothly as it can.

On to the funny: The other day as I was gone setting up my classroom, Daddy had to remind Sam and Anna that I was at work when they woke up from their nap and asked for me.  Sam, in typical fashion, asked "why?" and Daddy said, "to make money." and continued to explain why we need money and what we use it for.  Fast forward a little bit later, Sam was hammering at his workbench and announced that he was "at work."  Daddy asked what he was making and Sam replied, "I making money."  So now every time Sam goes over to his workbench he hammers away and proceeds to "make money." 

Perspective

I'm in the middle of my second week of several days in a row of solo parenting.  There will be a third trip taken by my husband this month at the end of the week, making it 3 solo parenting expeditions in as many weeks.  This time of year is rough for me anyway, with the end of the grading period, massive assessments for report cards, completing report cards, preparing and then conducting conferences on two longgggg days.  It hasn't been easy on a lot of levels, also because Sam's cutting 2 teeth right now, and hasn't been his usual happy self (meaning multiple night wakings, starting his day before 6 am, lots of fussing, lots of crabbiness which manifests in kicking and hitting and extra clingy-ness).  Do I also need to mention that things that are tough on my own two children make my job tougher at the same time- like time changes, weather changes, etc by bringing out the crazies in my students and their parents?

I'm longing for the days when my husband is home again for more than a few days in between trips.  Longing for a break to go somewhere sans two toddlers under two.  Ready for a return to normal with no unexpected power outages, or crazy parents of students making my job harder than it already is.  Ready for a little help at home.  Excited to go to the bathroom without an audience.

This post is about more than that though.  As I was thinking about typing up something here, I read a comment on another blog that stuck with me.  Veteran's Day was on Friday, and there are so many families that are in similar situations to mine... except their parenting partner doesn't have the luxury of a few days home every week.  Many families have a parent deployed and are solo parenting for much, much longer than I have been.  When I keep that in my mind, solo parenting my twin toddlers for the second week in a row right before a 12 hour day of parent teacher conferences doesn't seem all that bad, after all.

Beginning of School

The first day of school for me was last Thursday.  Sam and Anna made sure to start the school year off with a bang, by partying it up in the wee hours of the night.  Anna had a mid-night dirty diaper (just when will she stop those anyway???) at 12:15 am... 45 minutes after I had finally fallen asleep.  I had had a hard time settling down with the excitement of the day waiting for me in the morning.  The problem with getting Anna up to change her diaper hours into her night sleep is that it typically takes her hours to finally get back to sleep. My husband took the reins to attempt to get her back to sleep, to help me get more sleep- which was nice, but I couldn't sleep with a fussing/crying child so I was awake anyway. Around 3 am, Anna finally got successfully put back down when I put a stuffed animal in her crib with her as a last ditch effort.  However, our presence in their room woke Sam up.  He was then awake from around 3 am until after 5 am.  My alarm went off at 5 am and I dragged myself out of bed.  I maybe dozed a little in between his fussing, but definitely less than 45 minutes worth of total broken sleep.

So Sam was still awake when I started my day... on less than 1 1/2 hour of sleep.  On the first day of school. With the largest size of kindergarten class I've ever taught.  I made it through the day on pure adrenaline and blessed by the fact that things were so busy I hardly had time to think about being tired, much less have time to go to the bathroom or eat lunch!  Thankfully, both Sam and Anna have slept better since then.

Now 4 days in to the school year, I'm discovering that being back at work after the summer off is like adjusting back from maternity leave all over again.  It's hard in so many ways, and although not as hard as last year (because I know I'll eventually adjust and we don't have to put down our dog like we did at the beginning of last September), it's a struggle to adjust.  I have to relearn to accept the limitations of time and how to best maximize what I've got available.  Pre-kids, I would come home so exhausted on Friday nights after a week of teaching kindergarten that I would crash on the couch and take a nap because I couldn't make it to bedtime.  Post kids, I'm still running around until I crawl into bed (way past what should be my bedtime) every night of the week because I'm enjoying my kids until their bedtime, and after that because all the household stuff still has to get done sometime, even if I'm not home during the day to do it.

Oh well- I'll rest when Sam and Anna are grown up and I can sleep when I'm dead, right?
Hopefully I'll hit my groove soon and I'll be able to get to the less essential stuff on my never ending list (like blog posts and commenting) instead of just the must-dos like laundry!

My Summer Is Over

Last year, I wrote a lot of posts about returning to work after 6 months of being home with Sam and Anna.  It was definitely one of the harder things I've done, but because being a SAHM 100% of the time isn't an option for us, there was no choice.

This August, I've pretty much steered clear of the topic because my motto has been mostly "it is what it is."

It will be hard.  I will be sad.  I will wish for more than just the summer months to stay home with Sam and Anna.  But it is what it is.

I know it will get easier.  I know some days will be harder, but I know it will be okay.  I know that our daycare provider is a great person to have care for Sam and Anna during the day and I know they'll still love me more because I'm their momma.  I know I may miss some giggles and smiles, but the ones I will see will be that much more heart-bursting.  I may miss a "first" but I'll always have my firsts with them.

It is what it is.  And it is going to be okay.

A SAHM Once Again!

Wohoo!

School's out for summer and I am a stay at home mom once again. I've had a whole week so far to enjoy Sam and Anna 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Having been on both sides of the fence (working-outside-the-home-mom and stay-at-home-mom for the first 6 months), I can confidently say that is is much easier to stay home with my munchkins during the day. It is at times as exhausting right now as teaching 16 challenging kindergartners during the day, but much less stressful and much more happy exhausting! I love playing with them all day long, and deciding what adventure we are going to go on each day. I finally get to completely enjoy the number 1 perk of being a teacher- summers off to spend with my kids!I love that I have the chunk of time during naps to get the same stuff done that I had to do while working full time by cramming it into the weekends or evenings. I love that I am less exhausted at night after bedtime to be able to hold a coherent conversation with my husband and I love that I get two more hours of sleep in the morning! I've been waiting since September for the school year to be over so I could stay home again, and I am thrilled that the time is finally here, although I know it will go by too fast. It always does, and I know that this summer it will seem like a nanosecond before school starts up again.

I'm trying to devote more time to blogging and commenting than I've had the luxury to do in the past few months. This blog serves as my main way to record Sam and Anna's milestones, baby-hood and toddler-hood so it is very important to me to keep up with it. The trouble is, Sam and Anna are pretty active toddlers! We went to revisit the mom's group I used to attend, and they were all over the place compared to the two other over 1-year-olds that were present. Although their independence has made it easier in some ways now, in other ways they are more time intensive because they get into everything! Sam and Anna's favorite inside activity is to climb up on the couches, stand, roll, and climb off. Obviously they need an adult right next to them at that point to be a spotter. Their favorite outside activity (as illustrated in my last video post) is to push stuff around on our driveway, or play with the water table (by attempting to drink the water)- again, adult supervision is needed 100% at those times. Gone are the days that they just laid on the floor content to roll around or play with whatever was in their reach. Being with them is that much more entertaining though!

I took them to their 15 month appointment by myself this week, and our pediatrician remarked that between a year and 18 months is the hardest time to be out and about with kids. The mobility is there, but the communication is not quite yet. They can't express what they want, they can't be reasoned with and that makes it hard! I'm still trying to take them somewhere every day though. Next week I'm hoping to feel brave enough to take them to the Children's Museum by myself. Wish me luck! 

 Sam walking

Anna showing off

Hugs

Long Time No See

Wow- I don't think I've gone a whole week between posts before.  It's been a busy week with lots going on!  First off, Sam has another ear infection.  Secondly, both Sam and Anna are walking more and more, but still aren't very steady on their feet, so they need a shadow where ever they go to prevent as many mishaps as possible.  Then add in the end of the school year complete with the kindergarten concert and end-of-the-year testing as well as a whirlwind weekend after a 4 hour road trip, and who would even have time to turn on the computer?  I've been a little exhausted and busy, busy busy!

This past weekend, we went back to our home state and stayed at my parents' house.  We went out to dinner with my MIL on Saturday, and went to Sam and Anna's great grandma's 90th birthday party Sunday afternoon (my FIL's side).  After a stop back at my parents for a quickie nap, we headed out for my cousin's wedding.  That's three sets of relatives and grandparents in 24 hours!  Sam and Anna did great, especially considering it was a lot of unfamiliar faces in such a short time. 

While we were at the park for the 90th birthday picnic, there were tornado warnings.  Really not fun when you have 2 1-year-olds under your care.  The tornado warnings continued after we got back while Sam and Anna napped, but thankfully, they were napping in the basement anyway, so that made things more convenient.  We drove across the Twin Cities to get to the wedding through tornado watches, but thankfully, although the rain put a damper on our weekend plans, tornadoes did not.

Then, although I swore after last time we'd never do it again, we attempted to drive the 4 hours home at bedtime, hoping (praying fervently, actually) that Sam and Anna would sleep most of the car ride home.  If I didn't learn last time, I better have learned my lesson now.  Once again, Anna hardly slept at all.  I really thought she would, because last time she ended up having a slightly dirty diaper (that we could not smell), and we attributed the lack of sleep to that.  So we got home at 11:30 pm with an extremely overtired Anna and this time I KNOW I will not try that again. 

My saving grace was that I took this Monday off of work anyway.  I slept in and had a massage appointment for noon (the last of my push/cut present gift certificate).  A great start to another hectic and crazy busy week, since my husband is out of town for work all week and I'm solo-parenting it again.

Just a few photos from our weekend:

 With Grandma Dianne (my mom)

 With Aunt Mary

 With Sam and Anna's Great Grandma (FIL's side)

  At the wedding reception

 Pictures with Dad, since I seem to not take that many

This was one of the only ways we could keep Sam awake after a long day!

They adored this glass wall at the reception

(The mark on Anna's nose is a scab.  We have no idea how she got it- she just woke up one morning with it like that.I'm thinking she just scratched her nose with her own finger.)

One More Thing

Jen from Maybe If You Just Relax posted these words last week:

"You know how sometimes? There's a bunch of shit going on? And you're all, fine. I can handle this, but this is all. I can't handle one more thing. If one more thing happens? I'm going to jump out the window/poke out my eye/pull out my hair/drink ten kegs of Christmas Ale.

It seems that I have added that One More Thing..."

...and I found myself nodding my head in agreement. Lest you think I'm a huge bitch- yes, I do realize that I am very blessed in so many ways- to have had a successful IVF that resulted in BOTH Sam and Anna; to not to have a baby in the NICU or to have lost a baby at birth like Jen. I am aware that people across the world are doing much worse than I am in Japan or Libya or lots of other places. But this post isn't a eat-your-peas-because-someone-somewhere-is-starving kind of thing. This is my eating-a-little-cheese-with-my-whine post (although in my case there's a margarita washing down the cheese and crackers I'm munching on).

Lately it feels like okay- I can do this. I'll breathe a big sigh and buck up and play my kindergarten teacher/mom to twins/wife role and carry on. Then that One More Thing hits and I buckle. I hold back a few tears driving home from work, or before I fall asleep (because dang, I've never been exhausted for such a prolonged period in my life), or heck even when I get a few moments to myself in my classroom.

The Bill in WI passed last week (Yeah, on Sam and Anna's birthday to boot. Way to be a downer on my babies' first birthday.). This will dramatically change our way of life. I am seriously considering leaving education. I will be taking a huge pay cut and it will hugely affect our future- both with my retirement and Sam and Anna's education. The morale at school is lower than I've ever seen. 37 teachers at my old school were given layoff notices (I would have too, if I still worked there). Great teachers at my current school are feeling forced into retirement before they are ready (causing tears and depressed feelings). The ways that this could hurt education are limitless, and that is truly very scary for those of us in the trenches right now.

But okay, I can handle that.

Pile on top of that the fact that I have a student with major emotional issues that have really exploded in the last month. This student slapped me last week, threw a boot at me today while screaming in front of my class that he hated me, has hurt other students by choking them, punching them, etc, has thrown chairs etc. My entire classroom has been like a derailed train for the last month. I've probably already said more than I should, so I'll leave it with the statement that more support for this student would certainly be beneficial and help me keep my marbles.

But okay, it sucks and my job is not fun at all right now, but I have no choice but to handle that.

Then, THEN, our car dies and needs to be replaced asap. Okay, drain the savings, but doable. We can still buy food and diapers.

THEN, THEN- add in party drama and differing of opinions with the hubs stemming from party issues leading to a fight. My parents getting the flu and not being able to come to the party, either (there were a total of 3 guests). Add in Sam and Anna's birthday gift of ear infections for both for their birthday. Ear infections that are not being helped by the antibiotics. Major (but not really) snowstorm causes our professional pictures to be cancelled. Have to reschedule the 1 year dr. appt. because our pedi had to take a sudden medical leave and we have to go to someone new, much later than their first birthday. Someone hitting our new car in a parking lot leaving a big mark and dent but not leaving any info (thanks dude- our car was less than a week old).

Those one more things have pretty much eaten me alive lately. I'm barely treading water most days, trying to get from 7:40 to 3:40 as the constant power struggles and attempt to have a death grip on 100% of my attention happen every second of the day. Living for the moment that I can change to the mom of twins role again. Marking each day off the calendar, ticking down the 56 school days left until I can hang up the kindergarten teacher hat and wear the mom of twins hat all summer long. There are 56 days until Summer Vacation. It can't come soon enough.

I Can Cross That Off My Bucket List

If I had a bucket list, I am sure *Stand up for what I believe in by protesting would be on there. This week I have a good reason for being so absent in blogger-world: I was crossing that off the list.


I live in Wisconsin. I would imagine that if you kept abreast of national news, you would have some idea of the huge governmental upheaval in the state right now. In the most brief, short version possible, our new governor presented a Budget "Fix" bill last Thursday that was supposed to be voted on this week that attacks public workers' rights by eliminating collective bargaining by most unions (except police, state troopers, and firefighters), among other far-reaching changes included in the plan.

This would have disastrous effects for my job. Personally, I would lose about $5,000 annually from my salary. We live paycheck to paycheck as it is. But beyond that, the teacher's union would lose all say in bargaining for things in contracts that affect the quality of student's education... like keeping class sizes low. School boards would have the power to put 30 students in a elementary classroom... or 150 if they wanted to. There are so many different aspects of why this bill is so horrible for the state of Wisconsin (and really, for everyone in the nation- because it has the potential to be precedent setting) that I can't even get into it all. Nor do I really want to, because frankly, it's been an exhausting week thinking and actively voicing my opposition to it.

So this week I joined thousands of educators and other public employees like firefighters, police officers, and other unionized workers on the steps and inside my state capital to actively protest the signing of this bill. I've always thought that if you do nothing when you have an opinion, then you have no right to complain if what you want doesn't happen. Over 40,000 people were there on Thursday and again on Friday. It was an amazing thing to experience.

If this bill passes, I will probably actively search for another position. My husband is already looking and would apply for jobs elsewhere. Not only do I not want to work in education in this state under these conditions, but I absolutely do not want the kind of education that will exist if it passes for Sam and Anna. Wisconsin is 8th in the nation for educational quality right now- where will it be after this?

Living in Canada is looking better and better...

(Side note- I won't publish any negative comments, so don't even bother typing one. Everyone is entitled to their opinion, and this is mine. If you have a different one, there are other places you can voice yours.)

Sickies

I made the mistake of feeding Sam and Anna blueberries Thursday night. Anna loves blueberries especially, and I was surprised to see that together they devoured the rest of the container.

It was a mistake because I was revisited by those blueberries mere hours later and a few hours after bedtime. And again a little bit after that. And can I just say, blueberry vomit stinks? Literally as well as figuratively. It's chunky. It also stains. A lot.

At first I thought- oh no. Bad mommy me, I let them eat too many and she got sick off of eating too many blueberries. But a thermometer check revealed that Anna had a rectal temp of 103.7 degrees. My poor baby girl was sick. A fitful night of sleep ensued for all but Sam. Amazingly he slept through it all, even when I lifted her mattress and changed her sheet and mattress pad inches from his sleeping head.

The next morning she kept down her morning bottle and although still had a fever, she seemed to be better. So because Sam and Anna were going to be the only two at daycare that day, and because Daddy had a work trip the day before and really needed to be at work and because it was the 100th day of school and a special helper was coming to school so Momma really needed to be at work too, to daycare they went. We really thought the worst of it was over and the vomiting was done, or we would never have made that decision. But we were wrong and not only did Anna throw up twice after lunch and her midday bottle (she did keep down a small breakfast though) but Sam was starting to look sick by the afternoon and a high temperature from him confirmed it as well.

Now it is Saturday and although they both have fevers, we're around the 101 degree range, which makes me breathe a lot easier than 103.7. Anna has not vomited in more than 24 hours, and she's starting to act like her usual self. I hope that also means she will be sleeping better/like her usual self tonight. Sam has not vomited (yet), but he's crankier than he's ever been. I'm hoping the latest dose of fever reducing meds does the trick to help him sleep better than he did last night. At the very least, Anna's improvement points to the possibility that this is a short lived illness, and hopefully they both will be in happy moods tomorrow. It does seem like her ick has turned immediately into a cold though.

One silver lining to two sick babies with fevers- cuddling with sleeping babies. Not too long ago, Sam used to conk out right at the end of his bedtime bottle and I would enjoy just holding him for a while, slumbering in my arms, before placing him in his crib. One day that just ended with no warning, and I've always been wistful that I never knew to savor that one Last Time. Plus, in a small (very small) way, I miss his MOTN feedings that lasted until he was 9 months old, for the same reason- you just can't beat holding a sleeping baby when all is quiet and peaceful in the house. Tonight I was able to recreate those moments, and it was nice. Now he has my complete blessing to sleep all they way through until morning!

Less Than 24 Hours To Go

I've been in survival mode this week- not a lot of time for non-essentials like blogging, and commenting, and even a good amount of sleep. My husband has been gone on a work hunting trip since Saturday morning. This has been his longest time gone yet since the babes were born. Thank goodness that this should be it until January. I'm beat.

More so than ever before, there are just not enough hours in the day. I'm a full-time working mom to 8 month old twins and this week that meant I was a full-time working single mom to 8 month old twins. I get up at 5 am on weekdays to get myself ready, and this week rushed to get them ready (dad usually does most of it since I have to be out the door by 7 am), rushed to school, rushed through the day to get as much as possible done there (it's one of our busy times at school- assessments for report cards, completing report cards, and getting ready for conferences which start on Monday) then rushed to pick them up, rushed to feed them, get them ready for bed and daycare the next day, then rushed to wash bottles and syringes for their medicine, rushed to make new bottles and mix new medicine and finally rushed to get ready for bed myself, hoping I *might* get over 5 hours before starting it all over again. Add in rushed to take them to swimming on Wednesday night and home again with the help of a friend as well.

Would you like to know the magic number of days it took before I cracked and broke down in tears from being overwhelmed? That magic number is 4. Four days in with wake ups and bedtimes and overnights and bottles by myself for 24 hours and I was done for. I think knowing that my plate being so overfull that I felt like I wasn't doing anything well because I had to do so much did me in. I wasn't spending quality time with Sam and Anna because I had to get them ready for the next day (get clothes out, feed them fast, baths, bottles, bed) during the time I spent with them. I wasn't being successful enough for my job because I didn't have enough time to get lessons ready for the next day, get report cards done on time, or make my room look beautiful for conferences. I was cranky with my students because I was so overtired and I couldn't cope with the student issues that came up during the week. I wasn't giving myself the attention I needed- I ate dinner at 10:30 pm one night, just happy that I got to eat, I was going to bed after 11 pm because of everything I needed to do, even though I was getting fragmented sleep from the babies and had to get up at 5 am myself. The luxury to have enough time to even do something as simple as shave my legs- forgetaboutit.

So going back to what I discovered early on with my breastfeeding saga: a happy mom=happy babies, I decided that I needed to take a day off of work- conference prep be damned. I brought them to daycare for part of the day anyway (with a wee big of mommy-guilt) and ran errands. Went grocery shopping. Did laundry. Took care of the pile of dishes. Took a nap that wasn't going to be interrupted by awake babies. Then I emerged with a better grip on my sanity, more able to tackle life solo-parenting twin babies while teaching full-time.

The knowledge that tonight would be my last solo bedtime helped a little bit too.

(Did I mention that I tackled Daylight Saving Time by myself on top of it? Thank goodness Sam and Anna transitioned fairly easily. Know how we did it? I let them sleep in Saturday morning- which they happened to do for about an hour. So I just changed our clocks a day early and went about our day an hour behind. That continued on Sunday because they went to bed an hour "later" than usual the night before, and that was that. Time change, no problem!)

Sam has something to share:

My mom got this shirt for us. I definitely felt like Supermom as I tackled this week!

Should Do vs. Want to Do?

When blogging becomes another thing added to the long list of things you should do instead of something you want to carve out time for, is that when it is time to close the chapter on bloggyland? This is where I feel like I've been lately.

I won't deny that my long list of should-dos is bogging me down. It is hard to be a full-time momma to twins - twins that aren't "easy" babies to boot (but boy, they sure do make up for that in adorableness). It is hard to be a full-time kindergarten teacher. That combo of momma to twin 7 month olds plus full-time kindergarten teacher is almost more than I can handle. Have I mentioned that this year's class is no picnic and that it's my evaluation year? (gulp- professional development plans don't write or implement themselves, unfortunately)

Oh, and did I mention that my husband was out of town all week for work last week?

Yeah, I survived that; but barely. Mental breakdown was kept at bay with a 24 hour early return of the hubs.

Did I mention that he asked my MIL to help and stay with me all week (and that said help was often times more stressful and caused more work instead?)

I should probably write a detailed post about how that went, but I'd rather just breathe a big sigh of relief and move on. I'd rather not relive how I was so tired on the school forest field trip on Tuesday that I almost laid down on the ground in the middle of the woods (woodticks be damned) and that I audibly told myself under my breath that I had to "dig deep- dig deep" on my less than 4 hours of disjointed sleep. I wish I didn't shed a few tears on my way to my classroom on Friday morning out of pure sleep deprivation because I would have killed to crawl back into my bed instead; so please don't ask about that. I'd rather not recall how the "helpful" MIL could not get any child back to sleep at night and only resulted in creating double the work by waking up the other twin.

I know, I know- the 7 month post is over a week late already. I have a whole 'nother post in my head about why that one is late in coming to fruition, too. But meh- the motivation to type it? So not there.

Well, that's all I've got. I must 1.) take care of laundry 2.) get daycare stuff together before the morning rush (bonus points to me if I actually get time to eat a quick breakfast tomorrow!) 3.) figure out what I'm going to wear 4.) maybe go to bed "early" so I can get more than 4 hours of sleep tonight (which has been slowly becoming then norm - damn you sleep disturbances. Please Sam and Anna, become adept at crawling already so you don't feel the need to think about it at say, 12, 1, 2, 3, 4, and 5 am).

What I want to do? Go to sleeeeeeeeeepppppppp.....

School started. I seriously have no love for my current class of students. Why is it that no one warned me that besides simply not wanting to come back to teaching, I would not enjoy it that much anymore, because all I want is to spend time with MY children, not other people's children who were woefully not taught appropriate direction following and listening skills? (Don't even get me started on the academic side of things!) I feel like I'm already at that crabby mid-year teacher stage when you daydream about spring break. Tomorrow is Friday, and I can't wait for it to be over.

Except, for the first time in my life, I'm dreading the Saturday after it. Right now, I just want time to stand still. I want to stay in this moment where I am at home in pjs with my hair in a ponytail, spending time with my family- all the members- my husband, my two children and my two dogs. Because, you see, after Saturday morning, my family will be missing one important part.

Benelli's appointment is at noon.

Right now, I just want time to stand still.

Avoiding the Obvious

I haven't felt much like making a post in the last week. I think it's because I don't need to get the school stuff/daycare stuff/dog stuff off my chest or vent about all of it- I just need to spend as much time as possible NOT thinking about it to survive. I've been in a crummy mood. If I created a post, it would have gone something like this:

"Sam and Anna have had a horrible time falling asleep at bedtime lately, which I suspect is because I was at work 3 days last week and they just want to be held by me because they miss me, instead of chillin' alone in their cribs . They've always been pretty good at bedtime sleep until now. On Thursday I had to work from 8 am until 8 pm and Sam was so distraught with my absence that by bedtime, the only way my husband could get him calmed down was to wear a shirt of mine while running the blowdryer. Then Sam woke up at 4 am for his MOTN feeding (which I did- huge mistake) and he didn't want to leave me, so Sam and I hung out on the couch from 4 am until 6:30 am when his sister woke for the day. Since they are resisting bedtime simply because they want to be held, we resorted to full on CIO (cry-it-out) Sunday night out of desperation. We decided the only way to break the cycle was to not hold them. That sucked, but worked. After two days, Sam and Anna are no longer crying/being held off and on for 4 hours after bedtime. I drank a lot of wine, and cursed the fact that I felt the need to pile more upon my plate. Oh, and Sam ate horribly most of the week because he doesn't eat as well for anyone but me.

Work sucked, but I managed, knowing that I would have 5 days in a row to be at home after the 3 days of working. That ended today. Tomorrow school starts. Boo-hoo. It sucks leaving two babies without you that you did everything short of move mountains to get. I don't have enough words for how I feel, and like I said- I do better if I just try to not think about it. So that's all I'm going to say about that

Benelli's days are numbered. My husband is calling the vet tomorrow to see when we can make an appointment to bring him in. This royally sucks because I always said I would take several days off of work when he died, and what teacher can take off the first few days of school? Imagine trying to keep a happy kindergarten teacher smile pasted upon your face when your dog is dying and your two precious miracles are spending their days without you. This might just be my best beginning of school yet.

The combo of all of the above created another anxiety attack Sunday night. This one was a doosy. I might have just found the combo of things that is more than I can handle at one time.

So in short, this week we did CIO, Sam will probably not eat well again, I go back to work full time permanently with co-workers that are not nice people, and we will probably be killing our dog (my first dog). My week is shaping up to be one awesome, stellar week."

Now who wants to think about, type, or read that? So instead, I will share with you my first belly photo from a year ago, and my brave belly shot almost exactly one year to the day later, taken this week. Not too bad, I think. I may have not met my goal of all pregnancy weight lost by the first day of school, but according to my scale last night, I am only 2 pounds away from that. Not too bad at all. (Focusing on the good, focusing on the good...)

5 1/2 months post-partum twin birth at 37 weeks. (Here's a bang photo for you, Kerri)

9 weeks pregnant with twins, sucking the bellah in as much as possible (same pants as the above picture but a different color)

9 weeks pregnant with twins (letting it all hang out)

Rejoining the Working World

I'm all fixed up- Last week I got my first haircut and highlights in 6 months (my last haircut was pre-babies!), eyebrows are freshly plucked, nails are freshly painted, wedding ring is sparkly clean. New clothes hang in my closet (since most old clothes don't fit) to get me through a few days at least. I do only have 4 lbs to go to pre-pregnancy weight (go me for losing 60+ lbs!) so it is entirely still possible for me to meet my goal of losing all the pregnancy weight by the first day of school. Unfortunately, post-baby my bod doesn't carry the weight at all like it used to.

Tomorrow is the first day I will be officially back at work. I did go in on my own (unpaid) time to set up my room, but tomorrow is different. Tomorrow I have to get up at 5 am because I have to be there at 7:30 am and I have to stay there until 3:40 pm.

Ugh.

I am trying to tell myself that today is NOT my last day at home with Sam and Anna to prevent waterworks- because I do get this Friday and next Monday/Tuesday home with them. I am also trying to tell myself that tomorrow is really NOT my "first" day back at work. They will be home with daddy this week, so I do not have to drop them off at daycare either.

We did do our first day at daycare as a trial run last Thursday. I went back home to get my school things after giving our daycare provider a 2 page typed sheet with information and verbally going over it with her for a half hour. Going home was a big mistake. All I wanted to do was crawl into bed and cry myself to sleep. It was a combo of daycare, the stupid decision to get bangs (which I haven't had since high school) at my haircut the night before and our dog taking a turn for the worse. (Benelli had stopped eating, but a switch to canned dog food has helped him start eating again since then.) I did pull myself together and go to work in my classroom. I only called the daycare once, because I had forgotten to tell her to shake their medicine before giving it to them. I even stayed and worked in my classroom for a full 8 hours before returning to get Sam and Anna. They both ate okay and napped okay while there, so I guess our first day was a success.

The next time Sam and Anna go to daycare is September 2nd. They will be going once a week for a few weeks until they start full time at the end of September. Daddy has some vacation days he's using to stay home to ease us all into the transition of school, work, and daycare. I think the way we've worked this out will be better for all us, especially myself!

MIA

I will probably be a little MIA for a while- and the reason makes me so sad. School starts on September 1st, and our school-wide Open House and inservice days are two weeks before that, so that means I need to start setting up my room and getting ready for the year. I was able to pick up my keys today.

I had a anxiety attack yesterday thinking about everything that I've got going on and need to do in less than month. I ended up calling my husband and asking him to come home early because I was such a mess after I struggled through yet another poor feeding with Sam and Anna thinking about everything. They won't start daycare full time until September 20th, but they will start going 1 day a week beginning next week. It causes me a phenomenal amount of stress to think about how their feedings will go with someone else taking the reins. I know my babies better than anyone else. I work so hard at getting them to eat as much as possible- I know what tricks work best, I know how to get them most in them- and this all varies bottle to bottle. I often say it is an Olympic sport to feed Sam and Anna (I'm still waiting for my gold medal). It scares me to no end that their eating will be drastically reduced, and they will start to lose weight on a regular basis.

There's a reason I have not mentioned much about daycare on here, I think I've been in denial and trying to push it as far from my mind as possible. Besides their special challenges, like any mom that works out of the home, I know I'm going to miss them so much, my heart will ache. I have spent almost 6 months of their life with them every day- the most I was gone from them was about 3 hours long, twice. It makes me tear up to think of the possibility that they will smile for someone else most of the day, and have firsts (like first time sitting up, first word, etc.) when I'm not there. I also know these thoughts are not original. These thoughts on top of the thoughts of concern for their health literally make me physically ill though.

Now add on top of that, the stress there always is for a elementary teacher at the beginning of the school year. Unless you've been in that position, you can not comprehend the amount of things that need to be done and get ready (most often on your own time) in a short time frame. The state of my room today made me almost cry by itself. There's a lot of cleaning and organizing that I'll need to make time for that the sub didn't do. Plus, I often use the end of the school year to prep some things for the fall, and since I wasn't there, that didn't get done either.

Needless to say, I'm a mess. My to-do list is so long, it would rival Santa's gift list. I need a 48 hour day... or the ability to forgo sleep for a week. My posts will probably be few and far between, and pretty brief. Wish us luck in this next big transition of Sam and Anna's lives!

Change in Plans...

We made a major decision this past weekend. I am not going back to school next week for the rest of the school year (14 days) like we planned. I couldn't fathom leaving my babies yet (how do people go back to work after 6 weeks???) I can't imagine making the transition from taking care of my babies all day long to getting ready for work in the morning and leaving them for hours to go take care of other people's children. I don't know how I would balance end-of-the-school-year demands with the demands of my children every second I'm at home. Ultimately, there will be lots of end-of-the-school-years to come, but Sam and Anna will only be 10-13 weeks old once. I do feel extremely lucky to be able to be home with them for 13 weeks, and off of work for 15 total weeks. This also means I get to be a stay-at-home mom until they are almost 6 months old!!!

My substitute had mentioned a few times that if I changed my mind she would be able to stay longer, so I just send an email to our district office asking if it was okay. They sent an email back saying my extended leave was approved, and that was that- piece of cake on that end.

Money wise, I'm not going to brush over it: it's going to be HARD. This means I will have taken a total of 7 unpaid weeks. At first, the estimate from my district's HR person wasn't too bad. But they forgot to factor in the deduction I was already taking for the first 4 unpaid weeks. Because of insurance, union dues, and taxes, we'll be out more money than I would have even made by being at school those 14 days. When we were rethinking the plan, I tried to figure out how much money we'd save by me not going back those weeks- if I went back to work I would need 1.) a haircut and highlights ($100) but I can forgo this if I'm at home with my hair up anyway 2.) new clothes that would fit because I can't wear comfy pants and t-shirts to school ($200?) 3.) gas ($150 for 3 weeks) and since my husband would have used his leave to watch Sam and Anna, he can now use those days this fall so that will be hundreds of dollars of childcare we won't have to pay either. Regardless, our savings will take a major hit. At least my emotional well-being won't be taking a big hit by going back to work too.

A year from now, the money lost won't be a big deal, but the time spent with my children will be. We may just be eating Ramen and mac and cheese for a while, but it will be worth it, a million times over! I'll be reminded of that every time I see a smile or hear a coo during the hours I would have been gone.

More Firsts

Yesterday was the first time we left Sam and Anna with non-relative babysitters. Before this, my parents watched them at our house while they were visiting so my husband and I could go out to eat for his birthday (they were just under a month old at the time). It has been a month since we've been able to go out to eat just the two of us. I couldn't have asked for better babysitters: my co-teacher and her daughter both are licensed birth-3rd grade teachers, currently teaching kindergarten. My co-teacher's daughter worked at a childcare while she was in college. I was very confident that things would go well, and didn't even call to check on them once. :)

Last Thursday I took the babies to visit my students at school for the first time. It is an understatement to say that it wasn't easy to haul them there on the 30 minute drive by myself, especially since neither one likes car rides. Sam cried the entire drive there. It definitely felt weird to walk those halls and see my class, since I hadn't been there for 9 weeks. I realized that I am really out of teacher-mode! I have only a few weeks until I go back on May 20th to finish out the school year and needless to say, I'm dreading that immensely. Yesterday my husband and I talked seriously again about letting our savings take a big hit so I don't have to go back for those 3 weeks. My class just doesn't really feel like "my" class anymore on top of how horrible I know I'll feel to leave my babies for so many hours a day.

I plan on bring the babies to visit my old school (where I taught 4 years ago) this week. I still keep in touch with several of the teachers I used to work with there. It is an hour drive one way, so wish me luck! I hope we can time it so that they end up sleeping on the way there and back.

Sleep at night has continued to get better around here- Sam had his first STTN experience last week- he went from 9 pm until 4 am. Anna's consistently sleeping from about 9:00 pm until 6:30 am. So they both STTN that night! Awesome! I can't wait until they both go 9:00 pm to 6:30 am. We've gotten better at a regular bedtime and nighttime routine lately. We typically start at around 8 pm. Last night was the smoothest transition to sleep yet: both babies got put in their cribs drowsy but not yet asleep and both fell asleep on their own with minimal fussing. This was great considering we had been using a blow dryer running in their room at night for the last week or so to prevent struggling to get them to sleep for over an hour after we started to put them down. They have gotten so much better at self-soothing, which is encouraging. I am looking forward to the days when daytime naps go that well too.

Firsts for me: I am back in my pre-PG underwear, and several of my looser pre-PG tops. I tried on jeans yesterday and although I'm no where near my pre-PG size (which was the smallest size I've ever been), I'm no longer in the biggest size I've ever been. I'm trying to remind myself when I get discouraged about the flub around my middle that in high school my jeans were a size bigger than what I can wear now. So hey, progress is being made. Now if I can only find time to actually do the 30 Day Shred...

A Day of Lasts

Yesterday was my last day at work for a very long time. I'm used to leaving my room for a few months in the summer, but not used to turning my room and my students over to another person. It definitely felt weird to put away my picture frames, change my screen saver (I'm guessing the sub won't want to look at my babies' u/s images) and tiddy up like I clean my house for a guest to visit.

I'm glad that I was able to do those things though, and prepare my students a little. I think it would have been a lot harder for both my students and I if I suddenly was gone without warning. I had to make several promises of visits with the babies and several hugs- one of my kindergartners cried. Awww. I'm such a work-a-holic that it is going to be hard to stay mostly disconnected to my students' progress and learning. I've worked so hard up until this point to get them where they are- I really hope they don't regress with a different teacher.

So many people asked me if I was excited to be done- and I think it just hasn't sunk in yet. Maybe after Monday and some rest it will seem more real.

Yesterday was also our last u/s and appointment with the perinatologist- unless there are problems. Basically, except for the contractions at the end of December, I've been a pretty boring, textbook twin pregnancy, which is fantastic! Everything continues to be just fine. We didn't get any good pictures, because their heads are so low in my pelvis and turned towards my spine that we couldn't see their precious faces. Ready for exit! Now we just need to wait to see the real thing at this point! He didn't measure my cervix because he said it really didn't matter at this point. If I go into labor they wouldn't attempt to stop it. Our little girl Sweet Pea was 5 lbs and Little Bean was 5 lbs 1 oz. He said they were small for a singleton at this point, but large for twins. Over 10 lbs of baby in there- no wonder every part of my body is aching under the strain.

We also had a NST, which was also just fine. Next NST and OB appointment is on Thursday! I'm beginning to wonder if they will try to come out on their own... or if other measures will need to be taken. Now that I'm done with work, I don't really want to sit around for three weeks and wait until mid-March to deliver. I might take my OB's offer to induce at 37 weeks instead of waiting til 38 weeks if it comes to that.

For the record, these are some dates that I think would make great birth days: February 28th (Lately I've been secretly telling them that is when it is okay to come out), March 6th, or March 9th. Here's the story about March 9th- my class is visiting the hospital in the morning and my hospital plays the baby music for babies that were just born. How cute would it be for the music to play twice while my class is on their field trip and they'd know it was my babies???