How We're Doing

Well, my husband is starting his third week working a state away, and spending time with us as a family on the weekends only.  Sometimes, I feel like, "hey- I got this part-time single mothering two two year olds while working full time as a teacher (which is more than a 40 hour a week job) thing down."  Other times, I cry and wish there was someone else to take turns getting up during the unfortunate sleep regression Sam and Anna are having probably due in part to the changes in our household.  It's rough when you finally fall asleep after midnight, get woken up multiple times before your alarm goes off at 5 am to start your day with 19 5-6 year olds then finish with two 2 year olds without any real break from little people.  This sleep deprivation I've got going on is close to rivaling what I had when two newborns were in this house.  I'm not at hallucination level yet, but at least in those days I didn't have to look presentable for work and could nap during the day.  It is also very lonely when you spend most of your awake time talking to kids.  Some evenings I've really craved some adult interaction.

I think it would even mostly be okay including that if I could leave my house in any state- i.e. not have it spotless in less than 24 hour's notice for showings.  If people like to use the saying that cleaning with toddlers in the house is like trying to brush your teeth while eating oreos, imagine how well cleaning for a house showing (meaning even more spotless than I'd do for house guests) with two 2 year olds goes... when a.) you still have to work during the day and b.) there's no one to entertain help distract said 2 year olds to keep from destroying what was just perfectly cleaned.  Oy.  We have had 4 showings since I've been on my own during the week, and an Open House this weekend.  I want my house to sell, but I'm privately thrilled that we don't have any more scheduled as of right now, so I should be able to let a few things slide for a couple of days.  Of course, that could also end up biting me in the rear if I get a call for a showing with only a few hours in the evening to get our house perfect again!

One thing I'm really appreciating being in our near future is the possible help that will exist by living near our family.  The fact is that when my husband leaves for the week to work, I literally am pretty much on my own.  There is no going over to my parents for dinner for the evening, or leaving the kids with someone so I can run a few errands.  I can't wait to have my parents babysit on a regular basis once we live closer!

The first weekend, I ended up driving with Sam and Anna to my inlaws so my husband didn't have to drive the 4+ hour drive home.  We also celebrated our "Christmas" with them.  It was my first roadtrip with Sam and Anna alone, and I did indeed survive the whole 5 hour one way drive with them.  That was after cleaning the house in the morning for two showings during the time we would be gone.  On the return trip we may or may not have stopped at McDonalds twice... and watched over 3 hours of movies on the DVD player... I'm not admitting to a thing!  What matters is that we all arrived home with minimal mishaps or tears- myself included, right?

How are Sam and Anna doing with not seeing Daddy Monday-Friday?  Pretty good, I think.  We facetime every evening to say prayers together, so they get to see him every day, even if that isn't in person.  We've done a lot of talking about the whys and wheres and I think they get it on a very basic level that Daddy's working in Minnesota and staying with Grandma because it is too far away to drive home every night.  We've told them that people are coming to look at our house to see if they want to buy it so we can buy a new place to live near all their Grandmas and Grandpas and they are excited about that part of it.  Sam says more often throughout the day that he wants his Daddy, and our daycare provider told me there was one nap that he woke up from when he keep saying while upset that he wanted his Daddy, but it doesn't seem to be adversely affecting either him or Anna in general.  They have both continued to be pretty well behaved (no major behavior changes with the change) so that's been helpful too.

Right now, I'm just taking things one day at a time, and sometimes one thing on the agenda at a time.  If we get out the door for daycare by 7 am without many issues, I feel successful.  If the night goes by without major meltdowns and my temper isn't fried by bedtime, I feel good.  If I manage to squeeze in some playtime between all the chores I have to do that I used to share with my husband M-F: (dinner, bath, bedtime, getting things ready for the next day, etc.), bonus.  My expectations may be low, but at least they aren't too high and resulting in a feeling like I'm failing at doing this all on my own most of the time.  Right now, I feel good.  I've got this and I'm doing okay.

The Post I've Been Meaning to Write for a Month

This post has been brewing for almost a month now.  We have major changes occurring over here, and a part of that was responsible for my dismal posting in November.  When you are mulling over completely changing major aspects of your life, it's a little hard to focus on much else.  It may also be wholly responsible for similar absenteeism after the new year.

Here's the crux of the changes:  My husband interviewed for and accepted a position at a new company.  This new job is an increase in pay (yay!) and also closer to our family (yay!).  This also means that we will be moving away from the state we've lived in for the past 10 years, and returning to the state we both grew up in (also yay!)  He was able to put off his starting date until January 2nd (kinda yay) but that also means that even with waiting a month to start, the roots we've put down here can't all be uprooted by then (not yay). 

In other words, we have a house to sell.  I have a job to leave- not the sort of job where you give two weeks notice.  On the upside though, the striping of my bargaining rights as an educator two years ago means I do not work under a contract anymore, so I can quit my job teaching kindergarten before the end of the school year.

So, when all that is added up, this is what we've got:  Daddy's going to be staying with Grandma (my MIL) Monday through Friday while he works, and driving the 4+ hour drive home on the weekends.  I will be solo parenting it Sunday night through Friday night every. single. week.  Our house is on the market, and we've had 5 showings so far.  Our current plan is that the kids and I are staying here until our house sells, because it would be hard impossible to lose my paycheck and also add in a new mortgage payment or rent on top of our current mortgage.  When we have a date of closing (pushed back as far as possible to give my school as much notice as possible), we'll make plans for all of us to be living together again 7 days a week.  That may mean renting for a bit until this Mama finds a new job.  That may mean living with my in laws for a short while too.  I don't want to rush into buying a new home before I know where I will be working.

Although, this may be a even larger change than we originally thought.  I've been pondering lately using this as an opportunity to leave the teaching profession.  Ideally, I'd love to stay at home with Sam and Anna, and so some sort of telecommuting job with hours that would allow Sam and Anna to not attend daycare.  In my wildest dreams, I'd love to try homeschooling them instead of sending them to public school in a few years.  Teaching (and education) isn't what it used to be- in the 10 short years I've been a kindergarten teacher, it has changed a lot.  I'm not sure it is what will make me the most happy anymore, and I'm not sure it is what will be the best fit for my own children either.  Truth be told, the tragic events of December 14th at Sandy Hook Elementary is playing in a role in this line of thinking (but of course, not the only factors).  Like many parents, I'm sure I was equally shook up about what happened.  But, as a kindergarten teacher, I can honestly say that on the next Monday morning, I have never felt less safe at a place I've worked.  I stared at those 19 sets of innocent eyes and felt the magnitude of the job I was and am entrusted with.  That being their teacher also meant that I would take a bullet for them.  But for Sam and Anna- the increase of testing, the increase of behavioral problems of other students impacting the learning of all, the lack of support from people outside AND inside the school walls, and now the concern for their lack of safety makes me question if a public school education is what's best for them.  Like health care and the political system, education in America needs fixing too- and I don't see it happening anytime soon.  And that is as far as I am going to touch upon Sandy Hook on my blog.

Pros to this big life change:  1. My husband's new job is 30 minutes from my parents and an hour from my MIL- pretty much in the middle of both.  I am overjoyed to finish this monkey business of driving 4+ hours every time we want to visit grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins.  I am thrilled at the opportunities this will provide for Sam and Anna to build closer relationships with their grandparents.  2.  Both of us have been unhappy at multiple parts of our current jobs for some time.  My husband's current company is on track to be run into the ground because of poor management and decision making.  Something needed to be changed on his job end at least, and he's very excited about the new things he will be doing at the new job.  3.  All the other little things we don't like about where we currently are have the potential to be different and/or better.  The things we don't like about our current house could be much better where ever we end up. 4.) If I do decide to get a new teaching position, our future net income could be considerably larger than now.  My husband's larger salary on it's own may create opportunities that are not possible for us now- like homeschooling, or a job for me with non-traditional hours that allow for Sam and Anna to stay home.

Cons:  1.) Um- did you read the solo parenting while Daddy lives Monday through Friday in another state part above?  I know I can do it because I can do hard things, but I can only imagine how much more difficult it may be when you throw in needing to have the house in pristine condition for showings in less than 24 hours notice, and while working a more than full time job as a kindergarten teacher at the same time.  2.)  I love the current situation we have for daycare for Sam and Anna.  I know there is no way we can find something just like it.  (Our pastor's wife who has a childcare background takes care of Sam and Anna with only her 11 month old daughter there, and does preschool like activities with them, for a very reasonable price.  Plus, they have been building such a good relationship with their pastor too- he's our youth pastor and he's soooo good with kids.) 3.) All the little things we love about where we live now we could lose.  For example, the great park we have so much fun at, the local farmer's market, the local children's museum, the wood burning fireplace in our living room, living within walking distance of the public library, friends we'd leave behind, etc. 4.) Leaving my kindergarten class midyear would be extremely hard.  Not just in the explaining it to my class and students' parents kind of way, but also in that I've taught kindergarten for 7 years at the same school.  A huge amount of stuff in that super sized classroom is mine, and really will involve almost the same amount of packing, going though, etc. that our home will.  Yuck- how on earth am I going to carve out the time to pack and move not only our house stuff but my classroom stuff- again, all while working full time and solo parenting two toddlers 5 days a week???

Overall, I'm going with the idea that to take steps forward, you have to be willing to take risks.  We could have stayed where we were comfortable (here) and be resigned to the things we didn't like.  Or we could take the risk that the potential of this opportunity has the ability to be so much better than our current now.  Only time will tell- but I am excited at the possibilities once we get past this hard interim.

Where I've Been

Posting has been few and far between, but besides the normal working more than 40 hours a week and full time mama to twin toddlers gig, I'm been a little busy... reading novels for fun.

When The Hunger Games hit the big screen it just happened to be a date night weekend for us, and so we went and saw it in the theaters- before I even picked up the book.  There were parts of the movie I didn't like (like the whole kids killing kids theme, for one), but I was curious how similar the movie was to the book.  I can't remember another time when I've read the book after watching them movie.  I picked up the novel The Hunger Games  a few days later and tried to squeeze in a  chapter here and there when I could.  Then just like that, my blogging time flew out the window.

After finishing the first book, I quickly picked up the second in the trilogy, Catching Fire.  I personally think it was better than the first book, but it may be because the plot was all new to me this time.  I'm currently waiting to get the third and final book from a friend to read (hence the posting about it now instead of curling up with a book to read!)

I used to be a voracious reader.  I devoured books, pounding them out in a day or two by reading for hours a day until the book was finished.  I love to immerse myself in the world of the story until it is concluded.  My current lifestyle just doesn't make that possible, so I'm learning how to be the kind of reader that reads a chapter or two before bed, finishing a book in a week or so.  I'm finding it is hard to adjust- and my resolve to read "just one chapter" usually means I'm forcing myself to turn out the lights 5 hours before I have to get up in the morning.  I realized there were a few drives to and from work when I itched to open the pages as soon as I got home (but quickly forgot as soon as I was covered in kisses, hugs and cries of "Mama!"at the daycare door).

Reading The Hunger Games trilogy reminded me of the last series I read- the Twilight books.  It was just before our IVF cycle, and I dove into those books headfirst.  They were such a great break from our real-world struggles, stressors and infertility battle.  I'm realizing that a girl sometimes needs a break like that to lessen the stress levels and weight of the to-do list.  Reading novel might just help make me a better mama.  After I'm finished with the third and final Hunger Games book, I may just have to find a new fictional series to begin!  Last summer, I read 5 adult books (some for work, some for fun).  My goal for this summer is to increase that number. 

Suggestions welcome!

Hello New Year

I like this time of year like most people do because it gives us a chance to start all over. Such a great time to reflect and make goals to be better and do better and ohmiword…I’ve got a few! I thought I’d go ahead and share those with y’all to maybe hold myself a little more accountable this year :)

*Be a better mom.  This is something we all always strive for, right?  To help me achieve this, I am going to do better at walking out of my classroom doors at the moment I can leave, despite the piles of things that need to be done.  I may not reach 100% right away, but I'm hopeful that I can make strides to getting there soon.  I'm going to doubt my parenting abilities less and have faith in that I am doing the best I can and that's enough.  I want to do more projects with my littles- and not have them end up like the shoemaker's children without good shoes.  Sometimes, since I spend all day with other people's kids doing projects and teaching them, I just want to enjoy and play with my own kids at the end of the day without defined structure.  Now that they are getting more and more able to do projects, I want to capitalize on that.  I want to do more things with Sam and Anna; go on more outings/adventures because we tend to be more homebodies around here and I want them to experience all the wonderful things available to us.

* Be a better wife.   It's time that this part of my life takes a bigger portion on the front stage.  As part of this goal, I resolve to follow through with planning one trip overnight with my husband (while starting to plan our trip to Hawaii to celebrate our 10 anniversary in 2013), leaving Sam and Anna overnight somewhere without us for the first time. 

*Commenting more. I have so many blogs that I read every day. I catch up on my ipad mostly…while I’m sitting on the couch doing other things at the same time. The not so good thing about an ipad is that they are cumbersome to type using that little touch keypad, so I’ve been slacking in the comment department. But I’m changing that in 2012. I’m always so appreciative and grateful when you all comment on my blog and I definitely want you to know that I love to reading what you are posting, too.  So I'm going to get better at that starting now.

*Find better balance.  I need to shortchange myself less.  Make it okay to take mommy time to do something for me- NOT kid or job related.  Waste less time on the internet and make the time that I am here count.  And goodness gracious, get more sleep.  Staying up later to be on the internet is not a good choice, no matter what I want to accomplish.  I need to live by the saying, "a well rested mama is a happy mama" and "if mama's not happy then nobody's happy"  this year.


Notice that be a better teacher did not make my goals this year.  I will of course be the best I can be every day while working, but I need to find better balance by being a better mom, and a better wife first this year... while slicing out a better portion of time for me too.

I'm Baaaack

My absence from posting should have been a good clue that I decided to push through whatever was holding me back and go on my little mommy-cation by myself.  I left Monday morning... and returned Wednesday (the earliest I was thinking I'd return).  It was possible for me to stay until Friday, but after one full day of relaxation, rest and rejuvenation- the advantage of having more time to continue relaxing was outweighed by the amount I missed my family.  So I came home.  It was amazing how easy a 7 hour drive was without two non-napping toddlers in the back!

I got tan.  I read 1 and a 1/2 books (The Help and The Happiest Toddler on the Block).  I swam.  I slept in.  I watched a movie without multitasking by doing something else at the same time.  I unplugged and did not go on a computer for 3 days in a row.  It was very nice.

I also made Anna these hair clips and two hair clip organizer boards to hold all of the clips she has, now that she has enough hair to be able to wear them!  (One board is larger for later, once she has more hairclips and needs more room.) I used fabric that was incorporated into the quilt my friend made before Sam and Anna were born, so it goes with the colors we have in the nursery, and will coordinate with the stuff in her room once we separate them into their own rooms.  We are attempting to get rid of her pacifier once and for all this weekend, and I'm planning on giving her the hair clip board as a "big girl" gift afterwards.

 

(The hair clips I made)

(The empty board)

(All the hair clips I have for Anna's hair on the board)

I also got bit by a few flies on my feet, and for me this is bad news, because I am severely allergic to fly bites.  My feet swelled up and were insanely itchy.  In the past I've had fly bites that have swollen my eye shut and swelled joints so badly that I couldn't bend my arm or knee.  Besides missing my children and husband, that was the other biggest downer to my mommy-cation.

My husband did great without me.  Sam and Anna did just fine too.   I'm glad I went, and glad I came home when I did.  It was just enough time for me.  I think I might just do it again next August!

I'm Conflicted

I'm planning on going on a mini-vacation/trip next week to our family cabin.  The noteworthy aspect is that I am planning on going alone.  My husband will be working during the weekdays, while Sam and Anna will spend the weekdays at daycare.  This trip has been highly encouraged by my husband, as my me-time to rest, relax, and rejuvenate before the hustle and bustle of the school year beginning and the end of summer comes crashing down. 

I'm so conflicted about this.  On the one hand, I daydream about sleeping in, soaking in the sun and sleeping in as long as I want.  I fantasize about the books on my reading list that I'll be able to get lost in. 

Maybe it is a good thing that my husband gets to experience what it is like when I solo-parent during the school year while he's on a work trip.  I have complete faith in his ability to handle it while I'm gone.  That's not even an issue in my brain at all.  (All though, I do doubt his ability to dress Sam and Anna well.  The control freak in me might just lay out a week's worth of clothes so I know they look decent and are dressed for the weather. Just joking... a little.)

But then the reality sets in.  Can I really be gone from Sam and Anna that long?  (If I go, I really do have to be gone Monday-Thursday at least, because it is a 7 hour drive one way.) Do the pros outweigh the cons? 

See, the thing is that I've only been gone from them one night in the last 16 months of their life, and that was for less than 24 hours.  I left after their bedtime, and returned before noon.  The longest I've gone without seeing them awake was from 7 am one morning until 7 am the next morning because of conferences night at school.  Even then, I peeked in their room and saw them sleeping for a bit after I got home that evening.

I don't think anyone with twins would deny that often, they are a lot of work even though they are amazingly awesome and wonderful and double the blessings.  Sam's cutting two molars, dealing with ear infection #5, and is the normal toddler Tasmanian devil these days.  Anna is spunky, very verbal, and is a sleep rut right now- meaning she's often taking one 1 1/2 hour nap a day and having multiple night/early morning wakings.  I love being with them, but breaks are nice.  I know I've mentioned before that our family all lives out of state, so we don't really get the frequent help/breaks that families often provide.  I can count on my fingers the amount of times someone has watched Sam and Anna while we have date nights, not to mention that Sam and Anna have never spent a night without either Mom or Dad there.  Most of the time, it is our little family of four without relatives.  This break would be nice for me, in theory. 

But being around Sam and Anna is like a drug sometimes.  As tiring as they are, as much as they drain me, I love being around them.  I crave their smiles, hugs, kisses, cute moments.  I adore every little bit about them.  Missing them for that many days might just be more than I can handle.

I'm having a really hard time deciding what to do.  One moment, I think  "Go.  You'll need this relaxing time to get through the hard back to school time."  The next moment I think, "What are you thinking???  Stay.  You'll never get back this week of their lives.  You can relax/sleep when you are dead.   You'll regret being gone once they are back at daycare every weekday."

Gosh.  I just don't know what to do.