At the Cabin

We're back from our 2012 trip to my in-law's cabin in northern Minnesota!  Our 780 mile roadtrip went far easier than I expected it to go, which is a relief.  Our ipad proved itself as a great investment a million times over, and although I am extremely tired of hearing the Curious George theme song (Curious George is the new Elmo in our home these days), the $2.99 I spent on the Curious George and the Cows episode was some of the best money I've ever spent to get us through the last legs of our driving days.


Sam and Anna slept pretty well, especially considering we were pretty consistently delaying naps or bedtime due to travel and off our usual routine.  We still do not have car nappers, which stinks, but atleast we've got the traveling awake thing down. They slept until 8 am most mornings, and took a typical nap length so I was thankful for that!  I hope we are lucky with similar results when we go camping in a few weeks!

Last year the big hit with our 1 1/2 year old was the boat rides. Boat rides continued to be a big hit this year... even more so when they got a turn to help drive the pontoon. Anna (Miss Independent) didn't like anyone to have their hands on the steering wheel (adults included) when it was her turn and she would try to push them off. Sam was a wheel turn-er- we may or may not have gone in circles for a while during one of his turns. We checked out loons, blue herons, and even a beaver lodge on the lake.

This was last year's version of the above photo:

This year they still loved the boats but the hugest hit was swimming in the lake.  The lake was significantly high so the docks were actually partly under water.  The drawback to that was that the sandy beach was underwater, so Sam and Anna were not able to play in it.  The advantage to the high water meant that the end of the dock was the perfect toddler swimming area until they got more comfortable!  In no time, Sam and Anna were jumping off the end of the dock into waiting arms.  I am so glad that they meet the weight range for Puddle Jumpers this year too!  (Well, Anna almost does.)  Puddle Jumpers are fabulous for swimming compared to typical life jackets. 

 Swimming... on the dock

Swimming off the end of the dock

Both Sam and Anna became total water kids this year.  Not only were they jumping off the dock, but they discovered how to kick and move their arms to move.  They put their heads back into the water, and even swam out to the floating swimming dock (with adults close by).  I wish we could have stayed a week longer just to let them swim in the lake every day for seven more days. 

We even took them on a tube ride pulled by a jet ski.  Anna the daredevil grinned the whole time, and I'm sure she would have thought it was great to go by herself.  Sam was a little more unsure, but had fun going a little slower with the jet ski.

 Chillin' with the girl cousins on the big tube

While at the cabin, we took Sam and Anna fishing for the first time and both "caught" their first fish (with assistance).  They liked touching the fish and watching them bite the hooks under water.  We had a nice sunfish meal for dinner with the fish they caught!

 Sam's first fish

Anna's first fish

We went into town one morning and discovered a new playground.

Then stopped for a special ice cream treat.

Stopping for a small break by Lake Mille Lacs.

Our yearly picture in front of the big walleye on the way home.

last year in front of the big fish

I'm Baaaack

My absence from posting should have been a good clue that I decided to push through whatever was holding me back and go on my little mommy-cation by myself.  I left Monday morning... and returned Wednesday (the earliest I was thinking I'd return).  It was possible for me to stay until Friday, but after one full day of relaxation, rest and rejuvenation- the advantage of having more time to continue relaxing was outweighed by the amount I missed my family.  So I came home.  It was amazing how easy a 7 hour drive was without two non-napping toddlers in the back!

I got tan.  I read 1 and a 1/2 books (The Help and The Happiest Toddler on the Block).  I swam.  I slept in.  I watched a movie without multitasking by doing something else at the same time.  I unplugged and did not go on a computer for 3 days in a row.  It was very nice.

I also made Anna these hair clips and two hair clip organizer boards to hold all of the clips she has, now that she has enough hair to be able to wear them!  (One board is larger for later, once she has more hairclips and needs more room.) I used fabric that was incorporated into the quilt my friend made before Sam and Anna were born, so it goes with the colors we have in the nursery, and will coordinate with the stuff in her room once we separate them into their own rooms.  We are attempting to get rid of her pacifier once and for all this weekend, and I'm planning on giving her the hair clip board as a "big girl" gift afterwards.

 

(The hair clips I made)

(The empty board)

(All the hair clips I have for Anna's hair on the board)

I also got bit by a few flies on my feet, and for me this is bad news, because I am severely allergic to fly bites.  My feet swelled up and were insanely itchy.  In the past I've had fly bites that have swollen my eye shut and swelled joints so badly that I couldn't bend my arm or knee.  Besides missing my children and husband, that was the other biggest downer to my mommy-cation.

My husband did great without me.  Sam and Anna did just fine too.   I'm glad I went, and glad I came home when I did.  It was just enough time for me.  I think I might just do it again next August!

I'm Conflicted

I'm planning on going on a mini-vacation/trip next week to our family cabin.  The noteworthy aspect is that I am planning on going alone.  My husband will be working during the weekdays, while Sam and Anna will spend the weekdays at daycare.  This trip has been highly encouraged by my husband, as my me-time to rest, relax, and rejuvenate before the hustle and bustle of the school year beginning and the end of summer comes crashing down. 

I'm so conflicted about this.  On the one hand, I daydream about sleeping in, soaking in the sun and sleeping in as long as I want.  I fantasize about the books on my reading list that I'll be able to get lost in. 

Maybe it is a good thing that my husband gets to experience what it is like when I solo-parent during the school year while he's on a work trip.  I have complete faith in his ability to handle it while I'm gone.  That's not even an issue in my brain at all.  (All though, I do doubt his ability to dress Sam and Anna well.  The control freak in me might just lay out a week's worth of clothes so I know they look decent and are dressed for the weather. Just joking... a little.)

But then the reality sets in.  Can I really be gone from Sam and Anna that long?  (If I go, I really do have to be gone Monday-Thursday at least, because it is a 7 hour drive one way.) Do the pros outweigh the cons? 

See, the thing is that I've only been gone from them one night in the last 16 months of their life, and that was for less than 24 hours.  I left after their bedtime, and returned before noon.  The longest I've gone without seeing them awake was from 7 am one morning until 7 am the next morning because of conferences night at school.  Even then, I peeked in their room and saw them sleeping for a bit after I got home that evening.

I don't think anyone with twins would deny that often, they are a lot of work even though they are amazingly awesome and wonderful and double the blessings.  Sam's cutting two molars, dealing with ear infection #5, and is the normal toddler Tasmanian devil these days.  Anna is spunky, very verbal, and is a sleep rut right now- meaning she's often taking one 1 1/2 hour nap a day and having multiple night/early morning wakings.  I love being with them, but breaks are nice.  I know I've mentioned before that our family all lives out of state, so we don't really get the frequent help/breaks that families often provide.  I can count on my fingers the amount of times someone has watched Sam and Anna while we have date nights, not to mention that Sam and Anna have never spent a night without either Mom or Dad there.  Most of the time, it is our little family of four without relatives.  This break would be nice for me, in theory. 

But being around Sam and Anna is like a drug sometimes.  As tiring as they are, as much as they drain me, I love being around them.  I crave their smiles, hugs, kisses, cute moments.  I adore every little bit about them.  Missing them for that many days might just be more than I can handle.

I'm having a really hard time deciding what to do.  One moment, I think  "Go.  You'll need this relaxing time to get through the hard back to school time."  The next moment I think, "What are you thinking???  Stay.  You'll never get back this week of their lives.  You can relax/sleep when you are dead.   You'll regret being gone once they are back at daycare every weekday."

Gosh.  I just don't know what to do.

Spring Break in Jamaica

First of all, even thought there were some stressful parts (like when the flight there was overbooked and we almost didn't get to leave!) it was hands down the best time of the last three years of my life. The last three years have been a blurr of disappointment after disappointment, devastating news after more and more dashed hope. I didn't think it was possible- but the whole time we were gone, I actually forgot that we are defective and missing out on the "meaning of life." (As my dad described having children at Christmas this year- nice, huh?) I felt normal- not broken or like a dented can at the grocery store. The resort we were at was an all-inclusive, ADULTS ONLY haven for infertiles like me. And even better than that: all the other people that were there didn't want to think about kids either- they didn't want to talk about their kids or anyone else's. So no one asked if we had kids, and I never needed to be polite and ask or see pictures. Frickin' awesome. I had fun. I was happy. I enjoyed myself. I didn't think at all about what I was coming back to.

I look at pictures of my face that we took while there and I can see that my face looks different. I look like I used to. I look happy- not beaten and I don't see the pain behind my eyes like in so many other pictures from the last three years. I want it to stay that way.

I want to go back.

I want to go to my "happy place." A place that doesn't remind me of what I don't have. I place that I don't have to hear about and see pictures of four births in two weeks (that was a nice surprise waiting for me when we got back).

Then, after arriving home and actually needing to think about my real life... I broke down. I cried. I don't want to go back to this place. This place of sadness. So many of our friends said things like, "must be nice" or "I half-hate you" or said that they were jealous... and I had to bite my lip to keep from saying, "oh yeah? well welcome to my world." I feel that way every day about everyone who has had a baby in the last three years. And there's been a lot of them. The first couple to have 3 births while we are TTC just ONE happened while we were gone. Yeah, that was from the "must be nice" comment person. Must be nice to be able to have a baby at the drop of a hat too. I'll never know.

New motto- tryin' to think like Bob Marley, "Don't worry, 'bout a thing... every little thing's gonna be alright." I'm trying. Hopefully that will be enough to keep the twinkle in my eyes in pictures- and keep the pain out.