Trying to stay one step ahead

With my student teacher in my room, I am trying to get together as much as I possibly can for the next school year- even more than I usually do. In the back of my head, I think: if the IVF doesn't work, then I need to have as much done as I can, in case I can hardly drag my butt out of bed to function. I know I will have intense grief- expecially with one co-teacher due in September, and another due in early November (which we will have a shower for when school starts). But I also am trying to think on the positive side: if the IVF does work- I will be tired (from being PG with twins, of course) and the last thing I know I will want to do is put in my usual 10+ hour work days.

Right now, I am also trying to figure out whether I think I will be able to go back to my school at all with a failed IVF permeating every thought in my head. I don't have the answer for that yet. In the meantime, I am going to work on updating my reference letters, resume and portfolio. I know that my school won't be a healthy environment for me- and although I know I will eventually make it beyond an IVF that doesn't work, I'm not entirely sure that would be possible at my current school. So then, my thoughts circle back to all the extra work I'm doing for the fall right now- which could be totally worthless and pointless if I don't go back.

Then the other side of the coin: is working this hard right now to function better in the fall what's best for me at the present time, either? I am trying to justify that I can be overworked and stressed right now, because I won't start injections until next week. But I know that's just making excuses. I know I need to start focusing on what's best for my body right now, and acupuncture isn't a coverall or an easy fix. I need to make a personal effort too.

What's the happy balance? I wish I knew.

Needles and more needles

So the ever important box of our med cache arrived yesterday. A total of 143 needles in the box, which seemed like a lot to me. But the amount of actual meds didn't seem like too much, honestly. I guess I expected more than that. I think the red bio hazard box is the most fun part of the whole collection. Pictures coming soon. :)

On to needles of a different kind...

Went to the plan B acupuncture place this afternoon. It was enlightening, and interesting... and well, weird and slightly uncomfortable. This lady is SO much more knowledgeable about IF and IVF than the other acupuncture guy. She even had a book, "Acupuncture and IVF" sitting out that she told me to page through while she was going over my paperwork. It was tabbed and highlighted so that reassured me a lot. She asked me what I knew about acupuncture and I mentioned reading 'The Infertility Cure." She turned around and pointed it out on her bookshelf. Having both books gave her major brownie points. She put in a total of 17 needles, gave me some Chinese herbs to take, and I will be going back about two times a week for now. After our RE appointment on June 4th and I start injections- we'll have a new plan. So going back on Tuesday and next Friday for now. Total cost for today: $75 for initial consult and first session, $15 for herbs=$90. Each session going forward will be $50.

I'm somewhat skeptical about the extent that this will help me... but at this point, if someone told me bungee jumping would improve the odds of the IVF working- I'd get past my fear of heights and do it. Research says acupuncture ups our % chance of success. So we'll see.

Ah, the things we never realized we'd do in pursuit of a baby.

Utterly Overwhelmed- and I'm not even doing injections yet

So the med cache will be delivered tomorrow, to Jake's work. He decided it would be much easier than with the prying eyes and wagging tongues at my work (all those female teachers that love to gossip and create drama, you know?) and I agree, completely. $2,050 later, we are the proud parents of lots of needles. Let the bills begin. There was a little bit of stress involved with returning the company's call though, but it wasn't that bad. The good news is that the amount is $450 less than our RE's estimate sheet! Wonderful! I hope all the estimates are more than the actual costs.

Side note- I did tell Jake that we could charge all the IVF costs to his Cabe.la's card since the money is in our savings and we could just take it out when the statements arrive. I think he's already fantasizing what he can buy with all his points. Hey- if not a baby, at least something good will come out of this, I guess. My vote is for a canoe.

While in the midst of trying to get a delivery date/time set for our meds and playing phone tag, my plan B acupuncture place called and said they had a cancellation for Friday- and I could have the time slot if I wanted. I said yes!(since plan A was a letdown) and then went about trying to figure out how to leave work at 12:30 on Friday. Thank goodness for student teachers is all I have to say about that.

I'm also getting into the thick of end-of-school work: like testing, report cards, record keeping, attempting to get some things ready for fall, figuring out a game plan for packing up and closing out my room... so my mind is spinning and thinking about a gazillion things at once.

*big breath* Man, a nice 3 day weekend will be a great escape.

Lots of useless info- but still fun!

I love to know things. My husband like to manipulate this sometimes to say that I'm nosey- but I just really like to know about all kinds of stuff. I love figuring things out, and I love sharing what I learn with others. (Hence the occupation) Well let me share: yesterday I discovered Google Ana.lytics- an information junkie's dream!

Let me just say: It is frompin' fantastic. In just two days- I know that my blog has had 44 visits and 63 views. I know a general location where the visitors came from. Today I saw that two visitors were from the United Kingdom and Taiwan, and not just scattered cities around the US. (How cool is that?) It says how you got to my blog (from a link or direct). It even tells me an average of how long most people are on my blog. It tells who is a returning visitor and who stopped by for the first time.

With the crap that is IF, you have to look for a little happy in every day to help lift you up. And since I gave up all sources of caffeine and alcohol in preparation for our IVF- I needed to look for new ways to find my daily serving of happy. Some days finding the little bit of happy is harder than others. Today, Google Ana.lytics is my little bit of happy, and I thought I'd share. :)

Better Today

I am better today. Thanks for all your nice reassuring comments.

It seems like I am always at my worst on weekend days (or Thursday night, which is usually triggered by sad oh sad Gre.y's Anat.omy or hitting too close to home in Pri.vate Pra.ctice and being worn out from four days of school in a row). This is probably because I have more time to think, wallow, and let my thoughts spiral out of control on a weekend. Thankfully(sometimes), my job as a teacher keeps me too busy to think about much else during the school week. Unfortunately, this is yet another thing I can add to the list of things that scare me about our IVF plan- which will be when I am NOT in school and NOT occupied with a more-than-40-hour-a-week job. Lots of idle time will NOT be my friend in June.

In other news... Jake and I made the decision to let my mother-in-law tell my stepsister-in-law about our IVF. She is 42 (I think?) and just went through a cancelled IVF due to her donor backing out at the last minute. That's all I know, because she lives in Florida and in the 10 years Jake and I have been together I think I've seen her maybe 5 times (and we're not supposed to know about her IVF anyway). Judging by how alone I often feel IRL, I can only guess that she often feels the same. So I hope that by telling her, it helps, if even just a little.

Plus, I stopped being so guarded about our IF a while ago. It is soooo tiring trying to keep it hidden so I gave up on that. Now I'm not vocally spreading my personal business to every ear that passes by but I'm not trying to pretend everything's ok and if someone asks, I tell the truth. It just takes less energy. And darn it- TTC for three years futilely has worn me out. I don't have the energy to be all secretive anymore. Overall, that's probably for the best, anyway.

Scared Shitless

While I was getting ready for church this morning, I let my mind wander.

Big. Mistake.

I thought about everything that is going to happen in the next month and a half.

Big. Mistake.

I have read enough from other people that you have to take it one step at a time. I obviously didn't listen. Last night I read detailed descriptions about how to give sub-cue injections and intra-muscular injections. I even watched videos. Now, I was never really super scared about the injections before- but I guess that was before it was less than a month away.

I am so scared. Today I am scared about the injections. I have always had an irrational fear that I will die from an air bubble getting shot into me (and I know that this is not a possibility b/c I am not injecting anything into my veins- but still it's my fear). Today I am scared about the anesthesia, because I have never been given it before (what if I have a bad reaction and die?).

And today I am resentful that there isn't really anyone IRL (besides one person) that tries to get what a big deal this is. I want people to acknowledge what a big deal this is. I want their support. I want people to ask how I'm doing and what they can do to help. I want people (i.e. my mom) to say that they are proud of me and show that they care. I called my mom yesterday to tell her the new details. She said she'd be thinking about me, and. that's. it. Then changed the subject, because she can't handle talking about it- she gets too choked up. She didn't ask any questions. She didn't offer any help or supportive comments. It's so frustrating when even your own mother doesn't try to get it. I just don't want to feel so alone in this IRL.

So then my thoughts spiraled out of control and I had a meltdown. And I didn't go to church. And I have to give my blood in an hour for the Day 3 B/W. And it scares me that this is only the beginning.

Crap.

Ok! Here we go!

Although today I still feel like we are waiting, again... yesterday progress was made! I was able to schedule my Day 3 B/W (LH, FSH and Estradi0l) for tomorrow. I also was able to call the RE's office to schedule our Day 21 appointment, which will be June 4th- NARROWLY missing the all day field trip to the zoo by only a day. Whew! I also managed to avoid the last day of school. Now, being a busy time of year, I will be missing our school's Family Fine Arts Night and my students will be going swimming in the afternoon without me... but it could have been much worse. And for that, I am grateful.

So this is the summary of what is now in progress: After the RE gets the results from my Day 3 B/W, they will order my meds. The med company will call us to schedule a delivery, since one kind (F0llistim) needs to be refrigerated. We will need to bring the slew of meds (minus the F0llistim) to the appointment in 20 days. On June 4th we will turn over our reproductive selves to the RE by handing over a multitude of signed forms. We will be taught how to give my poor body injections. There will be more B/W, etc. and I will start Lupr0n injections that day! (For my non-IF friends, this will be shot into my abdomen daily). And that's the extent of what I know right now.

Since my cycle this time was slightly shorter than my norm, we are now looking at ER/ET in the last week of June, probably. Since our anniversary is June 21st- I told Jake that we will be giving each other a very expensive present this year. But if it works- what an amazing anniversary present it will be!

Weekend Update

My toes

My spa weekend was fantastic (Thanks Sara!). My first pedicure was a success- but I think I like doing my own toes more (the perfectionist in me, I guess). We spent some time in the outside hot tub at night and that was great. The hot stone massage was just what the doctor ordered. :) It is too bad that things like that can't be an every-other-day experience. We are already planning our next girls spa event to happen hopefully soon!

Now onto acupuncture. My acupuncture appointment this morning was...

A let-down.

Realistically, I know that he does not specialize in acupuncture for fertility- but it felt like I was explaining way too much to him about how our IVF process will go. (He did say he has worked with people that have undergone IVF before) He thinks I should get acupuncture three times right before the retrieval and three times afterwards and that's it. Judging from what I've read about other IFer's experiences, that doesn't seem like enough. There really isn't any other option for acupuncture in our area- so now I don't know what to do. Is something better than nothing and should I go ahead with his plan? Should I just forget it? I just don't know what to do.

This afternoon I have my lovely annual exam and communicable disease tests- which no one looks forward to. I'm hoping that I can at least get a sense of finally getting underway after that.

The end of June seems so far away, but yet I know it is closer than it feels.

This week is HARD

Besides the big ball of stress the kindergarten concert that we have tomorrow is for me... and besides the fact that I've been on pins and needles waiting for my next door co-teacher to announce what I've known for a month (which, by the way, she did officially announce her PGness today)... this week is HARD.

I'm tryin', really- I'm tryin' to focus on the rockin' hot stone massage waiting for me on Sunday (but yet I wonder if the masseuse will say to me what I don't want to hear: Happy M______ Day or Are you here for M______ Day?)... the pedicure (my first ever!) on Saturday... my day off- sans farm field trip on Monday, and the acupuncture appt. waiting for me instead that day... but it is still HARD.

I told my mom yesterday that I sent a card, but I will not be calling her on Sunday. I hope she understands; I think she understands- but honestly I don't care that much if she doesn't. Self-preservation is top priority for me at this point. It might make Sunday a little better not having to say It, but that day will still be HARD.

Today one of my students was holding my hand as we walked and he squeezed it three times. I told him that 3 squeezes is mine and Mr. E's code for I Love You, and I smiled at him. He squeezed 3 times again- then pondered and said, "so how do you say so much?" I said maybe two more squeezes could mean that. So he squeezed my hand 5 times in a row. How's that for an Awww moment? Now of course, infertile me got warm fuzzies for only a second before I thought- I want my OWN child to do that/say that to me- and sad, pitiful Infertile Katie had to hold back the tears. Damn- this week is HARD.

Jen says it better than I could put it into words here. Happily for her, she wrote that last year- and this year she has a "squishy baybee" to love (in her words). This sums it up for me exactly: " [It is] A day when you have to be subjected to yet another reminder that you are somehow physically constrained in ways that most people are not." And the kicker for me is also that it is a day where it is glaringly obvious that people don't validate that there are in fact people that are "physically constrained in ways that most people are not" in the reproductive way as well as how extremely difficult that is mentally, emotionally and physically.

Ugh. This week is HARD.

Will you please let me know when it is over- k?

Adult Onset ADD

I think I may have developed adult onset ADD. This must be the reason why I feel the need to change my background more than once a week. Perhaps that could explain why I have my computer on my lap whenever I am "watching" tv too. It is the reason I relate so well to my kindergartners, I think. It is also the reason why this post is kind of random:

I finally got enough nerve to call and get an acupuncture appointment. I figure that if it ups our odds of a successful IVF even just a little, then it is worth it; money be damned. A few hours later I have my first round of tests for IVF (to make sure I am disease-free) that has been rescheduled 3 times. That NEEDS to happen on Monday, or our IVF timeline that hasn't even gotten underway yet will be already pushed back. At least I get to miss that day of school which coincidentally happens to be the day of our farm field trip.

Gee, darn. I have to miss that? I'll try to hide my giddiness. I. Hate. Going. On. The. Farm. Field. Trip. And now I don't have to!

Oh, and seriously considering buying this for our future child:

For Posterity's Sake

My dear husband has been following a extensive vitamin regimen for many, many months- in the hopes of us being able to bypass the IVF recommendation and conceive naturally. Obviously, we have not succeeded in that department.

I am very curious if the vitamins I found out about on the Internet and through The Infertility Cure by Randine Lewis really had any impact on his total count, motility and morphology- or if the countless pills he's popped for months have done nothing to raise the 0% morphology at the very least. We have not had a SA done since he started taking them. Although I am curious, I am not curious enough to shell out hundreds for another Krueger's strict morphology SA just for kicks. That is one thing, however, that I am looking forward to finding out this summer when he provides his contribution to the cause. If these vitamins didn't create M*chael Ph*lps-like sperm, my thought is that nothing will.

For posterity's sake, here are the bottles that have been taking up space on our counter for months:

(Yes, these are all his- mine are elsewhere. And if you were wondering about the different brands... they all run out at different times, so we are always replacing one bottle at a time)

Jake takes these daily:

1. Fertilaid (which is 3 pills)
2. 2000 mg L-arginine (which is 2 pills)
3. 600 IU Vitamin E (...3 pills)
4. 200 mg CoQ10 (...1 pill)
5. 120 mg Pycnogenol (...2 pills)
6. 1000 mg L-carnitine (...2 pills)
7. 2000 mg Vitamin C (...2 pills)
8. 100 mcg Selenium (...1 pill)
9. 2000 mg Fish Oil (...2 pills)
10. 800 IU Vitamin D (...2 pills)
11. 100,000 IU Beta Carotene (...4 pills)
12. 1000 mcg Vitamin B12 (...2 pills)

Yes folks, that is a grand total of 26 pills. (Being a good wife, I have promised him that after our IVF he can take a break, and probably stop) I think it is only fair at this stage in the game, though, that my husband pops pills. After all, he gets to do his part for the IVF in a private room and no one is going to stick needles in his stomach or ass.

He doesn't complain.

He's a smart man.