While I was getting ready for church this morning, I let my mind wander.
Big. Mistake.
I thought about everything that is going to happen in the next month and a half.
Big. Mistake.
I have read enough from other people that you have to take it one step at a time. I obviously didn't listen. Last night I read detailed descriptions about how to give sub-cue injections and intra-muscular injections. I even watched videos. Now, I was never really super scared about the injections before- but I guess that was before it was less than a month away.
I am so scared. Today I am scared about the injections. I have always had an irrational fear that I will die from an air bubble getting shot into me (and I know that this is not a possibility b/c I am not injecting anything into my veins- but still it's my fear). Today I am scared about the anesthesia, because I have never been given it before (what if I have a bad reaction and die?).
And today I am resentful that there isn't really anyone IRL (besides one person) that tries to get what a big deal this is. I want people to acknowledge what a big deal this is. I want their support. I want people to ask how I'm doing and what they can do to help. I want people (i.e. my mom) to say that they are proud of me and show that they care. I called my mom yesterday to tell her the new details. She said she'd be thinking about me, and. that's. it. Then changed the subject, because she can't handle talking about it- she gets too choked up. She didn't ask any questions. She didn't offer any help or supportive comments. It's so frustrating when even your own mother doesn't try to get it. I just don't want to feel so alone in this IRL.
So then my thoughts spiraled out of control and I had a meltdown. And I didn't go to church. And I have to give my blood in an hour for the Day 3 B/W. And it scares me that this is only the beginning.
Crap.
12 comments:
Katie--I linked to your blog from another. But, I have just completed an IVF cycle. I had very similar fears as you. Please email me if you have any questions. I will be glad to share all my experiences. At least for me, it helped to hear from others. adallaire@nc.rr.com
Katie- Though I never did IVF, I had plenty of irrational fears of my own and one of them was definitely the anesthesia before my surgery. I think I devoted a whole post to that a while back. The truth is, IVF is a big deal. It's a lot to put your body through and it's a lot to put your mind/heart through. I think a lot of "normal" people brush it off because it's a fairly common procedure now and they don't quite get what goes into it- that you're literally injecting yourself several times a day, having minor surgery,etc. I'm really sorry that you don't have more support IRL. I think that's all too common with people dealing with IF. Unless you've been through it, you're just not going to fully get it. That has certainly been my experience.
{{{{{HUGS}}}}} I know exactly what you mean. They say curiosity killed the cat, I never understood it until I began watching videos of what my surgery was gonna be like. I scared myself like you wouldn't believe! I remember my Dr telling me I was gonna have this surgery, I went home and started looking online. The whole time I was crying my eyes out. But I got through it, and I know you will too.
And I also have an irrational air-bubble-in-the-vein fear!! And I was scared to death of the anesthesia to, but you know what? It wasn't that bad. They put the stuff in my IV and I blinked and woke up un recovery. I didn't feel sick, I wasn't disoriented, I just wanted to see my husband. And eat, I was starving!
The needle isn't bad, you can barely feel it :) Get through the first one and you will see.
And just remember, after all of this, when you are holding your baby in your arms it will all be worth it!
Hang in there...
Hey Katie, Your fears are not irrational. It is 100% competely normal to be worried about all of these new things that you will experience throughout this process. Just take a deep breath and try to just take one thing at a time (which is easier said than done):) It really does keep the huge panic attacks down. Although I can't be there to give you hugs IRL, I am sending them to you now. I know it is scary, but you can do it. Oh, and about your mom - my mom doesn't seem to be all that interested in our IVF process either and I can completely relate to how that makes you feel...I love you and am only a phone call away if you need me. (Southern accent and all :)...)
Carli
Katie - IVF is a huge deal and I can relate to not having anyone IRL who really gets it. I have a few coworkers who've dealt with IF, but not to this extent. They are excited for us and at least their questions aren't quite as stupid, but it isn't the same. Thank goodness for the online IF community. We're here for you and we get it.
I was also freaked out about the anesthesia, but I had to have it for my laproscopy/hysteroscopy last month. They'll have highly trained people there taking care of you. You'll be just fine - and your hubby will be there to take care of you.
We also goofed up Friday night and had too much air in a sub-q injection and I'm still alive. I could see the air bubble under my skin and was FREAKING out, but by morning it was gone.
If there's anything I can do, just let me know.
Katie, are you sure you have to do intramuscular injections? I was worried sick about them because I don't think I could contort myself enough to inject myself. So I asked DH and the look on his face was sheer panic!
Not exactly the response I was going for.
I was trying to figure out who to ask and worrying sick when at the first RE consultation the other day he told me that all the shots will be sub-cue. Even the HCG? I asked and he said yes. Maybe it's worth asking about that?
I know exactly how you feel about IVF girly. I'm right there myself. When are you starting? Send me a note through the BBC. Perhaps we can go through this together :-)
Katie - I'm so sorry that you are having a hard time right now. I, like Kerri, freaked out about being put under with the anesthesia before my lap. I had thoughts like "what if I never wake up?" and other completely irrational thoughts! But even though they were irrational, it's how I felt! It's scary when you're doing things you've never done before. Sticking yourself with a needle is scary, anesthesia is scary. I totally get why you would be nervous. The good thing though is that once this is all over, you'll have this experience out of the way and it will be completely worth it. But right now here are some BIG HUGS coming your way since the unknown is always unsettling. I wish I could be there for you IRL. I'll just pray someone that will "get" it will be placed in your life soon.
People IRL just don't get it. I'm sorry:( We are all proud of you!
Hey! My ER will be around July 4th, maybe a little sooner. What about you?
Wow! Reading this post about your mom really struck a cord with me. Most of the other people in my life don't understand how much of a big deal this is to us either. My mom just says "uh huh" a couple of times and then changes thes subject. Everyone just assume that everything will go fine. I am really hoping that everything does go fine, but I don't like the way it is smoothed over, like I am just going to have my teeth cleaned.
Oh, Katie--I am so very sorry to hear that your mom is not being supportive in the way that you need it. I don't understand why people do not get what a big deal the whole struggle with TTC really is.
Katie --
My wife is just finishing up an IVF cycle (we'll find out the outcome next Friday, June 5). She had many of the same fears that you've shared going into it. But, now that the end of the process is near, she's not worried at all if we have to do it again.
The needles seem daunting at first, but it will become rather routine. No worries re: air bubbles either, I promise.
My wife also freaked about the anethesia -- I've never seen her so scared as I did that morning. As it worked out, collecting the eggs went very well. Next time, she tells me that she'll look forward to "going under" - it was "very peaceful."
The embryo transfer was actually a great experience for both of us -- well worth the price of admission.
I'm in awe of all of you ladies for going through what you do. If the shoe were on the other foot, I don't know if I'd be able to do it myself.
Hang in there and best of luck!
www.adventuresinfatherland.com
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