Thank You

The Nobel Assembly at Karolinska Institutet has today decided to award The Nobel Prize in Physiology or Medicine 2010 to Robert G. Edwards for the development of in vitro fertilization.

Thank you for giving me two perfect children and making our family complete, Dr. Edwards.

Miracle Babies

Last weekend was our Fertility Clinic's Miracle Baby Celebration picnic that I mentioned being super excited about. I did not realize until we were there that NICU graduates of the hospital were also invited, so the crowd was a lot bigger than I had imagined. It was fun to be a part of this year's picture. I hope the 2010 picnic picture inspires hope in someone waiting and trying for their own miracle when they see it on the wall like the pictures from past years gave me hope during our IVF.

(With our RE)

I'm So Excited!

I've literally been waiting for this for a year. When we underwent our IVF, I was drawn to several pictures that lined the walls- pictures of lots of people and babies from our IVF clinic's annual Miracles Picnic. Every day I hoisted my legs into those stirrups or endured needle poke after needle poke, I always glanced at those photos on my way out the door. I soooo wanted to be invited to the Miracles Picnic the following year, because I knew it would mean we got our miracles. I fantasized about how wonderful it would be to celebrate with so many people in person who really got it. People who truly understood what we experienced from beginning to wonderful conclusion.

I never knew when they held the Miracles Picnic, and I was too chicken to ask for fear of jinxing ourselves. I reasoned that it must be held in the summer as most picnics are. As the summer months have flown by, I was starting to feel disappointed that maybe we wouldn't be invited or maybe they didn't hold it anymore. However, today's mail held a special surprise- an invitation for this year's Miracles Picnic held on September 18th! Opening it made me smile- you better believe we'll be attending- and I bet Sam and Anna will fit into their "I'm a work of A.R.T." onesies by then, too. I can't wait!

One of the Best Gifts Ever

When I walked to my mailbox a week or so ago, I found an unexpected package from my dear internet friend and fellow IF blogger, Carli. I have been meaning to get to this post because her generosity and the thought she put into this gift seriously made me speechless... and it even made me cry.

We called Baby B (Sam) "Little Bean" and Baby A (Anna) "Sweet Pea" from the moment we knew there were two fetuses. I had a feeling even at 6 weeks that Baby A was a girl and Baby B was a boy. And I was right! I still use these names as nicknames for my little ones.

Here's a close up of the IVF onesie, with accurate prices for our IVF cycle:

Can you get any more perfect than that? Once Sam and Anna fit into them, I think I should take a picture of them in their IVF onesies and send the picture to my RE!

And then there were 6...

I should have known that the super crappy sperm would come in to play at some point. Dr. S called this morning to say that after ICSI, 6 fertilized. I'm sad about the other 16 glorious eggs that never stood a chance. I'm worried that by Friday's retrieval that number is going to dwindle dangerously lower (damn you crappy sperm).

I'm also feeling very oddly protective in a motherly way of my 6 fertilizing embryos that are in a petri dish 2 hours away. I want to scoop them up and protect them, and tell them encouraging things to help them keep dividing. I want to call and check on them, the way I think mothers do the first time you leave your child with a babysitter. For right now, they are my babies and I love them- every single cell of them.

I know 6 fertilized is better than 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, 0r (gasp) 0... but I was hoping for more. I wanted 6 the day of the transfer (3 to transfer, 3 to freeze)- I'm fairly certain that won't happen.

I still have hope and faith that this is still going to work though (or I am trying to).

Embryos will be checked on Wednesday. Transfer is set for Friday. This is going to be a looooong week.

Meltdown

I had my first (and let's hope last) major meltdown for this IVF cycle yesterday. Yes, I know the E2 level dropped and this is much better than increasing or remaining around the same. But the point remains that it did not drop enough. I will have to ride this same 1-day roller coaster again on Wednesday. It is unbelievable how much more difficult driving 2 hours for just a little needle prick that takes five minutes then driving back 2 hours all before noon and waiting for a call that may or may not ruin my day is than I expected. It is an understatement to say that this has been a very rough week and I'm beyond ready for good news.

The stress that this IVF is putting me through is indescribable. IVF by itself when things are going as planned is stressful in its own right. 40 units of Lupron daily for a week is no picnic- the s/e are ridiculous. Add that on top of the drive that I have to take every other day. Add that on top of the constant stream of not-so-good news that I get after the 4 hour long drive. Add that on top of no insurance coverage and our ever dwindling financial status. Add that on top of a less than supportive mother who just said "I'm sorry" after hearing yesterday the level hadn't dropped enough again and then launched into the fishing report from their vacation. And finally, add that on top of the thought that if, IF we get the news we want to hear tomorrow- I have weeks more to go through this- because in the IVF world, my "IVF cycle" hasn't really even been considered started yet, until I begin the stim shots.

I kind of feel cheated, that this too, robbed me of the happy anticipation of finally getting to do something that may result in a pregnancy. I feel like I've paid my dues with IF. Nothing has ever gone well in three years of dealing with this. The worst case scenario has presented itself almost every time. I hope things start turning around before the ER. Frankly, I hope we get to the ER point, because now it doesn't seem as much like a sure thing as before. Unfortunately, a rocky beginning to IVF doesn't mean that I got it all out of the way and the rest will be smooth sailing.

I do try to stay positive. I do try to keep my faith strong. I do listen to relaxation music. I do try to do things that help get my mind off of the IVF and do things that I enjoy. Believe me, I am trying everything in my power to make this more tolerable and get through each day. If you have any other suggestions, please feel free to share.

Please, pretty please pray for us that the E2 level is below 40 tomorrow. And if you don't mind, add in an extra prayer for my sanity to stick around too. Thank you for any prayers and good thoughts you send our way.

Change of plans

Earlier I had mentioned that we were satelliting the monitoring for our IVF because our RE's office is 2 hours from our home. I was happy last year when we were told that was an option. It would be so much more convienent to drive to my usual OBGyn's office and complete the u/s and b/w, and we thought we might save a little money on top of that.

Now that the time is actually upon us, Sue, the nice nurse,( I would say favorite- but she's the only nurse at the RE's that we've spent any time with) called my OBGyn to confirm that she could and would in fact do this. Guess what? My OBGyn is leaving the clinic in less than a month. That's one strike. Then, as we were finding out more details, we found out that if we still satellited with a different OBGyn, I would still have to take the 2 hour drive for weekend and holiday monitoring (the 4th of July will fall during this cycle).

Strike number two.

And finally strike?

Now that we know how much the u/s and b/w would be locally- it will still probably be less expensive for me to drive 4 hours round trip every other day for a few weeks until all is said and done with the IVF.

So I bet you have figured out by now that we are no longer doing a satellite IVF. It is a very good thing that my last day of work for three months is tomorrow- because I've already started my next full time job: The Munchkin Mission.

Scared Shitless

While I was getting ready for church this morning, I let my mind wander.

Big. Mistake.

I thought about everything that is going to happen in the next month and a half.

Big. Mistake.

I have read enough from other people that you have to take it one step at a time. I obviously didn't listen. Last night I read detailed descriptions about how to give sub-cue injections and intra-muscular injections. I even watched videos. Now, I was never really super scared about the injections before- but I guess that was before it was less than a month away.

I am so scared. Today I am scared about the injections. I have always had an irrational fear that I will die from an air bubble getting shot into me (and I know that this is not a possibility b/c I am not injecting anything into my veins- but still it's my fear). Today I am scared about the anesthesia, because I have never been given it before (what if I have a bad reaction and die?).

And today I am resentful that there isn't really anyone IRL (besides one person) that tries to get what a big deal this is. I want people to acknowledge what a big deal this is. I want their support. I want people to ask how I'm doing and what they can do to help. I want people (i.e. my mom) to say that they are proud of me and show that they care. I called my mom yesterday to tell her the new details. She said she'd be thinking about me, and. that's. it. Then changed the subject, because she can't handle talking about it- she gets too choked up. She didn't ask any questions. She didn't offer any help or supportive comments. It's so frustrating when even your own mother doesn't try to get it. I just don't want to feel so alone in this IRL.

So then my thoughts spiraled out of control and I had a meltdown. And I didn't go to church. And I have to give my blood in an hour for the Day 3 B/W. And it scares me that this is only the beginning.

Crap.

Ok! Here we go!

Although today I still feel like we are waiting, again... yesterday progress was made! I was able to schedule my Day 3 B/W (LH, FSH and Estradi0l) for tomorrow. I also was able to call the RE's office to schedule our Day 21 appointment, which will be June 4th- NARROWLY missing the all day field trip to the zoo by only a day. Whew! I also managed to avoid the last day of school. Now, being a busy time of year, I will be missing our school's Family Fine Arts Night and my students will be going swimming in the afternoon without me... but it could have been much worse. And for that, I am grateful.

So this is the summary of what is now in progress: After the RE gets the results from my Day 3 B/W, they will order my meds. The med company will call us to schedule a delivery, since one kind (F0llistim) needs to be refrigerated. We will need to bring the slew of meds (minus the F0llistim) to the appointment in 20 days. On June 4th we will turn over our reproductive selves to the RE by handing over a multitude of signed forms. We will be taught how to give my poor body injections. There will be more B/W, etc. and I will start Lupr0n injections that day! (For my non-IF friends, this will be shot into my abdomen daily). And that's the extent of what I know right now.

Since my cycle this time was slightly shorter than my norm, we are now looking at ER/ET in the last week of June, probably. Since our anniversary is June 21st- I told Jake that we will be giving each other a very expensive present this year. But if it works- what an amazing anniversary present it will be!

Things I Worry About and Hope For

Things I Worry About:

1. The big one: IVF doesn't work= game over. The end of the road for a biological child. Maybe the end of the road, period (no pun intended- but slightly humorous nonetheless).
2. IVF cycle cancelled= so much money wasted, we can't afford to try it again and/or-
3. Timing gets messed up somehow, and my narrow window of opportunity gets shot to hell. Worst case scenario with this: IVF in August, then fails, then I have to be Mrs. *Cheerful* Kindergarten Teacher right away for back to school.
4. I finally completely go off the deep end while I sit at home alone (since everyone else works in the summer) watching the calendar for the next important IVF timeline date with no other obligations, twiddling my thumbs, watching my ever expanding bloated self. And. That's. It.
5. The shots.
6. The bruises.
7. The hormones.
8. My nether region becoming Grand Central Station, or an exhibit at the zoo, or some other similar analogy.
9. IVF works! But can't afford to have a child or children because we spent every cent getting there. Our children can't go to college because we spent all the $ trying to get PG in the first place.
10. IVF fails and I continue to get even more alienated from my happily-with-children co-teachers.
11. IVF works! but I am still alienated from my co-workers who can't understand why I never wanted to talk about their PGs but now want to talk about mine.
12. IVF fails and I can't handle being around small children anymore- so I stop being a teacher and then what?
13. IVF fails and I never mentally or emotionally fully embrace adoption.
14. IVF fails and we can never afford adoption.
15. IVF fails and I never heal- I stay in bed and never come out.
16. And thanks to Private Practice; my embryos getting switched with someone else's before getting transferred.

Things I Hope For:

1. IVF to work! Duh!
2. To have twins so I never have to TTC again! (and funny thing, I never wanted twins before IF)
3. To get invited to the RE's picnic with other ART babies!
4. To feel like I am a part of The Club.
5. The miraculous natural conception cycle right before shelling out the dough for IVF
6. To be able to look at babies and PG bellies again with a smile instead of yet another piece of my heart breaking silently
7. The heavens to open up and choirs sing as my purgatory ends!

$$$

I should be doing school work, but instead I'm worrying about $. IVF is not cheap, people. And thanks to insurance companies... it is usually not covered. My lovely insurance company does not cover one cent. But if I need Viagra or birth control, or gastric bypass surgery, sure thing! Hey- we have a meeting with our insurance company tomorrow- think I should bring that up?

But I digress. Back to the $:

So... Jake and I refinanced our home a few months ago. That moola is safely stuck away in our not-big-enough-savings account. But everything we've got in there is not enough to cover the whole IVF process. Jake freelanced a little writing... I made some mittens... and that helped. But as far as my weekly calculations go, it still isn't enough. We can only estimate the total amount needed because some of the costs, like for medication, will vary.

I really, really, really do not want to be sucked dry AND be in more debt at the end of this thing. Especially if the IVF is not successful. We do have options if the money doesn't materialize by July. a.) take out a loan on Jake's 401k. We would be paying the interest to ourselves. or b.)amass a little medical debt from satelliting some of the monitoring to our local hospital (FYI, we are satelliting as much as possible anyway because our RE is 2 hours away) Medical debt is interest free, and we can pay it off whenever. But I don't want to do either of those options. I want to pay it all in full. I can only imagine how much it will smart to write out those checks after the IVF if it didn't work. I don't want to have the possibility of that.

*sigh*

Anyone have any tips on how to make about 3,000 dollars in two months? Or anyone want a pair of handmade mittens... for 3,000?

I'll settle for $20 a pair too, I guess.

IVF Timeline

Houston, we have a timeline. Instead of just saying we are planning on doing IVF "sometime this summer," we now have a definitive timeline to follow after Jake called the RE to get the scoop this week. I can breathe a little easier now.

To give a little background info: we have a very narrow window of opportunity to do this. Being a teacher, I am lucky to have summer months off which will make the frequent monitoring and last minute appointments very do-able, on my end at least. However, that also means that nine months out of the year- IVF just isn't possible because I just can't go in late to work- and I need to focus 100% on the 17 kindergartners in my classroom, not on me. So..... that means timing is very important. I also know that this all needs to happen asap after school gets out, so I have some time to recoup before the chaos happens at the beginning of the school year and I hit the ground running. Ever since the plan was to go ahead with IVF in the summertime, I've been stressed that the timing wouldn't work out. Getting the specifics this week helped ease a little of that stress. Now if my internal time frame can get in line with the IVF timeline, we'll be good to go.

The Timeline

• Received b/w paperwork- my appointment is April 17th. Both my and Jake's b/w results need to get back to the RE by May
• May cycle- get day 3 b/w completed (should be mid-May), meet with RE on day 21 (about the beginning of June- please pray that this is not on June 5th because my class will be at the zoo for an all day field trip or June 8th because this is the last day of school for the kindergartners) for injection teaching and to sign consent forms
• June cycle- start stimulation medication (should be mid-June). -As long as this happens after June 12th, everything will work out fine
• Mid-July- tentative egg retrieval and transfer
• Beginning of August- find out the news
• Rest of August- time to celebrate (hopefully!) and rest or time to heal emotionally before school starts

Hopeful estimated due date: April 2010.

Aaaaahhhhh! I can hardly believe that our chance at IVF is almost here!