I haven't mentioned this before, but I have been dreading this week since I let myself believe I would get this far in my pregnancy. My husband was gone for a work trip last week, was home for one day, and left again for a second work trip on Sunday. He will be back tomorrow night. He has about 4 work trips a year- it just was horrible timing that these two were so back to back. I knew about this way back in August and I knew I would be around 30 weeks at the time. I just didn't know what the future would hold- would I be on bed rest at the time he was supposed to be gone? What would be the chances of going into preterm labor while he was two time zones away?
Truth be told, I tried to talk him into trying to get out of one or both of the trips several times- but his entire department goes to these shows, so there was no chance unless I was in the hospital. I considered asking a friend to stay with me while he was gone- what if I couldn't put on my shoes without him? What if something happened to my 85 lb aging dog and I couldn't lift him into the car to get to the vet? And the worst- what if I needed to get to the hospital and had to drive myself the 45 minute drive through scary contractions or bleeding that I shouldn't be having? (My family does not live nearby. I do have an amazing friend on standby in case I need help but she is not staying at our home)
I have only one more day to go.
It has been hard. It would still be hard to get through the day with him here, but my husband is amazing and does so much to help me. He keeps me accountable so that I take naps, eat enough, and don't push too hard.
School is getting really hard. I almost started crying in the hall today from the fatigue of staying on top of 21 kindergartners and report cards/testing for the end of the semester- and it is only Wednesday. I had a meltdown after arriving home. I need my husband to comfort me. I need my rock to get me through.
Only 24 hours to go.
Showing posts with label meltdown. Show all posts
Showing posts with label meltdown. Show all posts
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Meltdown
I had my first (and let's hope last) major meltdown for this IVF cycle yesterday. Yes, I know the E2 level dropped and this is much better than increasing or remaining around the same. But the point remains that it did not drop enough. I will have to ride this same 1-day roller coaster again on Wednesday. It is unbelievable how much more difficult driving 2 hours for just a little needle prick that takes five minutes then driving back 2 hours all before noon and waiting for a call that may or may not ruin my day is than I expected. It is an understatement to say that this has been a very rough week and I'm beyond ready for good news.
The stress that this IVF is putting me through is indescribable. IVF by itself when things are going as planned is stressful in its own right. 40 units of Lupron daily for a week is no picnic- the s/e are ridiculous. Add that on top of the drive that I have to take every other day. Add that on top of the constant stream of not-so-good news that I get after the 4 hour long drive. Add that on top of no insurance coverage and our ever dwindling financial status. Add that on top of a less than supportive mother who just said "I'm sorry" after hearing yesterday the level hadn't dropped enough again and then launched into the fishing report from their vacation. And finally, add that on top of the thought that if, IF we get the news we want to hear tomorrow- I have weeks more to go through this- because in the IVF world, my "IVF cycle" hasn't really even been considered started yet, until I begin the stim shots.
I kind of feel cheated, that this too, robbed me of the happy anticipation of finally getting to do something that may result in a pregnancy. I feel like I've paid my dues with IF. Nothing has ever gone well in three years of dealing with this. The worst case scenario has presented itself almost every time. I hope things start turning around before the ER. Frankly, I hope we get to the ER point, because now it doesn't seem as much like a sure thing as before. Unfortunately, a rocky beginning to IVF doesn't mean that I got it all out of the way and the rest will be smooth sailing.
I do try to stay positive. I do try to keep my faith strong. I do listen to relaxation music. I do try to do things that help get my mind off of the IVF and do things that I enjoy. Believe me, I am trying everything in my power to make this more tolerable and get through each day. If you have any other suggestions, please feel free to share.
Please, pretty please pray for us that the E2 level is below 40 tomorrow. And if you don't mind, add in an extra prayer for my sanity to stick around too. Thank you for any prayers and good thoughts you send our way.
The stress that this IVF is putting me through is indescribable. IVF by itself when things are going as planned is stressful in its own right. 40 units of Lupron daily for a week is no picnic- the s/e are ridiculous. Add that on top of the drive that I have to take every other day. Add that on top of the constant stream of not-so-good news that I get after the 4 hour long drive. Add that on top of no insurance coverage and our ever dwindling financial status. Add that on top of a less than supportive mother who just said "I'm sorry" after hearing yesterday the level hadn't dropped enough again and then launched into the fishing report from their vacation. And finally, add that on top of the thought that if, IF we get the news we want to hear tomorrow- I have weeks more to go through this- because in the IVF world, my "IVF cycle" hasn't really even been considered started yet, until I begin the stim shots.
I kind of feel cheated, that this too, robbed me of the happy anticipation of finally getting to do something that may result in a pregnancy. I feel like I've paid my dues with IF. Nothing has ever gone well in three years of dealing with this. The worst case scenario has presented itself almost every time. I hope things start turning around before the ER. Frankly, I hope we get to the ER point, because now it doesn't seem as much like a sure thing as before. Unfortunately, a rocky beginning to IVF doesn't mean that I got it all out of the way and the rest will be smooth sailing.
I do try to stay positive. I do try to keep my faith strong. I do listen to relaxation music. I do try to do things that help get my mind off of the IVF and do things that I enjoy. Believe me, I am trying everything in my power to make this more tolerable and get through each day. If you have any other suggestions, please feel free to share.
Please, pretty please pray for us that the E2 level is below 40 tomorrow. And if you don't mind, add in an extra prayer for my sanity to stick around too. Thank you for any prayers and good thoughts you send our way.
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