I'm Not Waiting

I realized something this afternoon while I was driving to daycare to pick up my sweet babies:
I'm not waiting anymore.

So much of the recent history of my life was filled with waiting and wishing for things to happen or get here. Waiting to graduate. Waiting to go to college. Waiting to find that person to spend the rest of my life with. Waiting to graduate again. Waiting to get married. Waiting to find my first professional job. Waiting to move. Waiting to get pregnant. Waiting to get pregnant. (And then waiting to get pregnant some more.) Waiting to begin IVF. Then waiting to find out how many babies, what genders, and when they would be born. Waiting to get past the multiple mom survival mode stage. Waiting for Reflux Hell to end.

Now I'm not waiting. I'm not waiting for them to grow up or hit the next big developmental milestone. (As far I'm concerned, Sam and Anna can wait a few months to walk. I'm good with walking at 14 months.) I'm not waiting for them to turn a year old, because I'm quite happy with where they are right now.

And that's just it:
I'm quite happy with the way everything is at this exact moment in time.

I love everything about where Sam and Anna are right now. Eating is going well, sleeping is going well. I love how they are communicating with us and with each other. While gummy grins were adorable, toofer smiles are even better. I enjoy what babyhood is still left in them, but enjoy the toddlerhood that is emerging too. We have no big plans on the horizon like new jobs or moving.

Well, okay- I could use the cozy warmth of the summer sun or the season-long break from work. But other than that, I am not waiting for a thing. Because I am not thinking ahead to whatever it is that I'm waiting for, I can be in the moment and 100% enjoy what is instead of what will be. I can't imagine much better than that.

Happy 37 Weeks, Babies!

Dear Babies: Now that we are officially full-term, will you please consider coming out now??? Your mama doesn't want to lug around 13 lbs of baby inside- I would much prefer holding 13 lbs of baby in my arms...

I edited the poll to more accurately fit the days we have left. Please re-vote, and maybe we can be more accurate this time.

According to thebump.com, I have two watermelons in there. Yowza. Time to be done, I think!

(I wanted to also add a little info for my last post: to my OB's defense, he is not on vacation next week- he is at a conference. Something my husband vaguely remembers him telling us way, way back when we starting seeing him.)

Still waiting.... (there's only so many times you can refold and look at baby clothes)... twiddling my fingers... watching the clock...

Ho Hum

Still here, and getting very tired of spending the past two weeks creating a fantastic ass-shaped imprint on my couch (thanks for the vivid imagery, JB). Except for the December hospital drama, I have had the most boring twin pregnancy ever. I know, I know- I am not complaining about that: boring pregnancy=healthy babies. However, it is really starting to feel like they are never coming out and I'm going to be this huge gargantuan whale for the rest of my life. I figured out today that I now weigh 150% of what I weighed a year ago. I wistfully watched old ladies enjoying the weather on a walk today because they looked so darn mobile.

Irrational as it is, the infertile side of me won't truly believe that we have two babies until I see them in person and bring them home with us. Right now I read about everyone else's births and how close it seems everybody else is and I'm convinced they will all have their babies in their arms before I do (and yes, I mean all the lovely ladies I read on my blogroll. Your babies are so close, they feel even closer than mine). When I'm being super irrational, the thought crosses my mind that it's maybe all a farce anyway. I realize that most people wait 40 weeks (or more) to see their bundle of joy- but to me, I've waited 4 years for this (or my whole life). 11 more days seems like complete torture when I really thought they'd already be here by now.

On to the OB appointment and NST: Everything is good with the babies. The not-so-good news is that my doctor will be out of town next week, so that makes scheduling an induction or a c-section for next week a no-go. I have to wait until March 16th for that (38 weeks 2 days) if it comes to something that has to be scheduled. The other side of that is if I go into labor from this Monday until next Monday, my doctor will not be delivering my children. Interestingly- when I was processing this news and starting to get upset (not outwardly upset though), our little girl's heartrate shot up really high. Once I calmed down, it dropped again.

For now, my schedule remains ridiculously open- with no plans at all, in the event that the babies decide to make their grand debut. I'm not holding my breath- I'm very suspicious that they'd stay in there until they were 18, if I let them. Imagine how cramped the space would be then.

FMLA Leave Update

Three days into my not-working current life, it has been interesting (or really NOT interesting, depending on how you look at it, actually). In the summer when I have months off from school, the days pass by quickly because I enjoy the weather, go outside, go for long walks with my dogs, go garage saling, get involved in projects, etc. I can't do any of those things right now. (Granted, I still get bored during the summer too) I've found that I can only do one thing around the house right now (put in a load of laundry, get dressed, etc.) before my hips start hurting and I need to sit down. I'm afraid to start any projects because who knows what tomorrow will bring? One of these days tomorrow will bring babies and a whole new life without time for finishing projects!

I've also discovered that things don't just get increasingly more difficult each week, but exponentially worse. Week 35 is exponentially worse than week 34. I don't know HOW I worked last week. I thought this week would be like spring break- sleeping in, being well rested, relaxing, no more swollen feet because I wouldn't be standing all day... WRONG. I'm still in a lot of pain all the time that makes it very difficult to sleep, walk, move or sit. I am forever thankful that I was blessed to be able to experience pregnancy and I wouldn't give away the last 8-9 months for anything. But my body is getting close to done. I would love to go back a few months and stay that stage of pregnant forever. But this is hard. I don't think you can truly comprehend how hard unless you've been pregnant with twins in the third trimester. To try and put it in perspective, I've measured over full term for almost two months. If you've been pregnant before- think how you felt right before you delivered. That's how I've felt since the end of December.

I'm also spending a lot of time on the couch, because that is less painful than moving around. That means I'm spending more time on the computer... which can be a little dangerous for my bank account! On etsy I found the cutest things for my babies: I got two shirts that say "I was worth the wait" from FuzzyBabyDesigns after seeing something similar on my friend's blog.

And I got these from PickySticky on etsy, after seeing them on someone's blog too (I can't remember who!):

They are stickers you apply right to the onesie each month for pictures, up through the first year. I think they will be just adorable and make it easier to take pictures with two squirming babies without needing a piece of paper to try to position too.

In other less cheery news... after talking with the person in charge of FMLA and paychecks at my district, it does not look good that I will be able to stay out for the rest of the school year. My husband and I have yet to finalize our decision- but I think I will have to go back in mid May and work 3 weeks until the end of the school year. I'd have 12 total weeks off, but unless these babies come tomorrow, less than 12 weeks with them. I think it stinks and it makes me want to cry, but I think it will be the way things end up happening. My husband would use some of his leave during that time to stay home and take care of our little ones (my MIL volunteered to stay during that time and help out) so we wouldn't need daycare- but still. It royally stinks. I will update when the final decision is made.

One More Day

I haven't mentioned this before, but I have been dreading this week since I let myself believe I would get this far in my pregnancy. My husband was gone for a work trip last week, was home for one day, and left again for a second work trip on Sunday. He will be back tomorrow night. He has about 4 work trips a year- it just was horrible timing that these two were so back to back. I knew about this way back in August and I knew I would be around 30 weeks at the time. I just didn't know what the future would hold- would I be on bed rest at the time he was supposed to be gone? What would be the chances of going into preterm labor while he was two time zones away?

Truth be told, I tried to talk him into trying to get out of one or both of the trips several times- but his entire department goes to these shows, so there was no chance unless I was in the hospital. I considered asking a friend to stay with me while he was gone- what if I couldn't put on my shoes without him? What if something happened to my 85 lb aging dog and I couldn't lift him into the car to get to the vet? And the worst- what if I needed to get to the hospital and had to drive myself the 45 minute drive through scary contractions or bleeding that I shouldn't be having? (My family does not live nearby. I do have an amazing friend on standby in case I need help but she is not staying at our home)

I have only one more day to go.

It has been hard. It would still be hard to get through the day with him here, but my husband is amazing and does so much to help me. He keeps me accountable so that I take naps, eat enough, and don't push too hard.

School is getting really hard. I almost started crying in the hall today from the fatigue of staying on top of 21 kindergartners and report cards/testing for the end of the semester- and it is only Wednesday. I had a meltdown after arriving home. I need my husband to comfort me. I need my rock to get me through.

Only 24 hours to go.

Lookin' Good- Now an RE break :(

3rd and final beta number today: 1,015. That, ladies and gentlemen, is again, more than double in 48 hours- an increase of 135% since beta #2. Woohoo! I was hoping for over 1,000 so it could still feel like I was still in the running for twins. I'm still feeling one- but we will see... hopefully at the u/s on August 7th! I will be 6 weeks and 5 days. I decided I should put a little poll and see what comes out on top, so please vote on the right side!

I didn't realize that once my dream came true I'd still be living my life in two week increments. This will be yet another long TWW.

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7dp5dt

Admit it, you totally came here thinking I POASed and you would see the result. Apparently Jake thought I might after he left for work this morning. But I didn't. As much as I kinda sometimes feel like the IVF did work, I am still scared to rip the rug out from under me. You will have to wait for another day. I did, however, go buy a few more HPTs. Why is it that it still feels like I have no right to buy those?

*twiddling my fingers*

Is it Monday yet?

6dp5dt

I can't believe I've made it this far. Thank goodness my mother finally pulled through for me and ended up successfully kept me occupied for the past 2 1/2 days. Until she got here, all I was really doing was obsessively thinking about the embyros inside of me- and I'm glad that I was able to get a break from that for at least a little while. And (surprise, surprise)- it is a bit like watching paint dry: thinking non-stop about the embryos has a way of making the clock move soooooooo much slower.

My mom retaught me how to crochet while she was here. Funny story: when I was about 7 (maybe?) she taught me how to crochet while we were on a long camping trip. I started making a blanket for my cabbage patch baby way back then. It never got finished. Now here I am, more than 20 years later, picking up where I left off, continuing on the blanket I meant to be for my doll... now hopefully for my own baby. Come Monday, I hope it doesn't go back in the bag of stuff left over from my childhood, waiting for yet another time.

Now that I'm getting closer to The Blood Test, I am having weird feelings about it. Don't get me wrong, I WANT to know. But part of me is really enjoying this sense of it being ok that a news story about babies comes on tv, and that I don't want to instantly change the channel. I am more ok than I ever have been before about the good ol' Facebook baby pics, u/s images, and PG news. Today there was a 2 year old in the waiting room at the RE's while I waited for my progesterone check. I was ok with that (but a little thankful that this was the first time that it had happened). For a while, I was really worried that the heart-wrenching feeling I always got about seeing babies or anything related to babies would never go away, even if circumstances changed, because I had felt it for so long. This period of being PUPO has proved to me that my wounds can heal, even if they leave behind scars. I'm just scared shitless that my wounds are going to be ripped open again on Monday. And then it will be GAME OVER- end of our chance at a biological child.

4dp5dt

My mom is visiting for the next three days and will prove to be a good distraction from the waiting, I hope. Because, man, when you are on three days of (bed) "rest," it sure allows for a lot of time to wait, and think, and wait, google all sorts of things like early PG symptoms, successful transfer blast pictures, and beta websites (so, you know, I'm all set for Monday), and wait, obsess, and wait, pray, and wait, talk to my belly, and wait, check blogs, and wait... By the way, here is a really cool website I found yesterday for all the fellow IVFers out there.

I am planning on testing early- mostly because I don't think I can handle those last few hours waiting for The Phone Call that will change my life. I know either way I would be sobbing- and I want to be coherent enough that I can remember what else the nurse says. But when to test; I haven't decided. Monday morning before I leave for the beta? Sunday morning? Saturday morning? Please weigh in with your advice. Jake is planning on taking the day off of work on Monday to go with me and be home for the phone call so I am leaning towards Monday morning- but I just don't know.

What I do know is that I am reserving the right to keep the information to ourselves for at least a little bit. Most people get to relish their own PG news for a little bit (I promise no longer than a few days) and I want at least a little bit of the same experience. I also know that if things go the other way, I will be too devastated to hop on and share with the world right away. So I am asking for your patience until I am ready to post.

*deep breath* four days down. Only a few more to go.

2dp5dt

Last night I realized that a pregnancy start date is considered to be the day two weeks before the retrieval. That date for us is June 21st- our 6th anniversary. I got teary-eyed. Is this a sign that it is meant to be and our 3 years of hell is turning around? I hope so with all of my heart. I just can't fathom this not working right now- or I'm stubbornly not letting myself.

Hanging in there 2 days post transfer.

How will I ever make it to 10 days post transfer???