Meltdown

I had my first (and let's hope last) major meltdown for this IVF cycle yesterday. Yes, I know the E2 level dropped and this is much better than increasing or remaining around the same. But the point remains that it did not drop enough. I will have to ride this same 1-day roller coaster again on Wednesday. It is unbelievable how much more difficult driving 2 hours for just a little needle prick that takes five minutes then driving back 2 hours all before noon and waiting for a call that may or may not ruin my day is than I expected. It is an understatement to say that this has been a very rough week and I'm beyond ready for good news.

The stress that this IVF is putting me through is indescribable. IVF by itself when things are going as planned is stressful in its own right. 40 units of Lupron daily for a week is no picnic- the s/e are ridiculous. Add that on top of the drive that I have to take every other day. Add that on top of the constant stream of not-so-good news that I get after the 4 hour long drive. Add that on top of no insurance coverage and our ever dwindling financial status. Add that on top of a less than supportive mother who just said "I'm sorry" after hearing yesterday the level hadn't dropped enough again and then launched into the fishing report from their vacation. And finally, add that on top of the thought that if, IF we get the news we want to hear tomorrow- I have weeks more to go through this- because in the IVF world, my "IVF cycle" hasn't really even been considered started yet, until I begin the stim shots.

I kind of feel cheated, that this too, robbed me of the happy anticipation of finally getting to do something that may result in a pregnancy. I feel like I've paid my dues with IF. Nothing has ever gone well in three years of dealing with this. The worst case scenario has presented itself almost every time. I hope things start turning around before the ER. Frankly, I hope we get to the ER point, because now it doesn't seem as much like a sure thing as before. Unfortunately, a rocky beginning to IVF doesn't mean that I got it all out of the way and the rest will be smooth sailing.

I do try to stay positive. I do try to keep my faith strong. I do listen to relaxation music. I do try to do things that help get my mind off of the IVF and do things that I enjoy. Believe me, I am trying everything in my power to make this more tolerable and get through each day. If you have any other suggestions, please feel free to share.

Please, pretty please pray for us that the E2 level is below 40 tomorrow. And if you don't mind, add in an extra prayer for my sanity to stick around too. Thank you for any prayers and good thoughts you send our way.