Things I Worry About:
- The big one: IVF doesn't work= game over. The end of the road for a biological child. Maybe the end of the road, period (no pun intended- but slightly humorous nonetheless).
- IVF cycle cancelled= so much money wasted, we can't afford to try it again and/or-
- Timing gets messed up somehow, and my narrow window of opportunity gets shot to hell. Worst case scenario with this: IVF in August, then fails, then I have to be Mrs. *Cheerful* Kindergarten Teacher right away for back to school.
- I finally completely go off the deep end while I sit at home alone (since everyone else works in the summer) watching the calendar for the next important IVF timeline date with no other obligations, twiddling my thumbs, watching my ever expanding bloated self. And. That's. It.
- The shots.
- The bruises.
- The hormones.
- My nether region becoming Grand Central Station, or an exhibit at the zoo, or some other similar analogy.
- IVF works! But can't afford to have a child or children because we spent every cent getting there. Our children can't go to college because we spent all the $ trying to get PG in the first place.
- IVF fails and I continue to get even more alienated from my happily-with-children co-teachers.
- IVF works! but I am still alienated from my co-workers who can't understand why I never wanted to talk about their PGs but now want to talk about mine.
- IVF fails and I can't handle being around small children anymore- so I stop being a teacher and then what?
- IVF fails and I never mentally or emotionally fully embrace adoption.
- IVF fails and we can never afford adoption.
- IVF fails and I never heal- I stay in bed and never come out.
- And thanks to Private Practice; my embryos getting switched with someone else's before getting transferred.
Things I Hope For:
- IVF to work! Duh!
- To have twins so I never have to TTC again! (and funny thing, I never wanted twins before IF)
- To get invited to the RE's picnic with other ART babies!
- To feel like I am a part of The Club.
- The miraculous natural conception cycle right before shelling out the dough for IVF
- To be able to look at babies and PG bellies again with a smile instead of yet another piece of my heart breaking silently
- The heavens to open up and choirs sing as my purgatory ends!
8 comments:
I try and keep it shallow by thinking of the fabulous convertible I will have if we can't have a child. It's my consolation prize.
If I am being serious, I do fear a lot of the same things you do.
I can't imagine how much harder it would be to have IF and be a kindergarten teacher. I get pretty pissy at the bookstore because EVERY DAY someone comes in to buy a pregnancy book. I know, the nerve- buying a pregnancy book in a bookstore. Somehow they find me to take them, every time.
I'm right there with you....Scared to death of every outcome and really only wanting one.. we WILL become mommies :)
That's why I stopped watching Private Practice several months ago- they kept coming up with story lines that hit a little too close to home. For the record, before they did my IUI, they had me look at the catheter and verify that it was Matt's name on it. They're pretty careful about that kind of stuff. :)
It makes sense that your emotions are all over the place right now. You're getting to close to starting IVF and that's both a really exciting and really terrifying time. For what it's worth, I think everything you're feeling is totally valid.
I'm praying for you, girl! As far as Private Practice...I about died last night when they revealed what had happened with the embryo mix up! That show has been hard to watch lately with all the pregnant women, the complications and the dying children. Ugh. They really need to find a happier storyline. :-)
Katie, I know you are freaking out, I would be too if I were getting ready for IVF. But, just take things one day at a time. It will be here before you know it. I have a good feeling about it.
As far as Private Practice, it's still one of my fav shows, even with all the PGers and medical mishaps. I think if I were to the point of IUI or IVF yet, I might feel differently. Besides I love dramas, and it's certainly a dramatic show.
Put this on a tshirt, I'll buy it! ;o)
I'm not by any means DONE with my journey. But over 5+ years of this has taught me one thing, that what I really wanted was to be a Mom. However that may happen. Towards the "end" I was prepared to do whatever necessary to achieve our goal. The stuff about $, it will work itself out. I've always been a firm believer in that. A seemingly impossible situation will just work out. ALways has for me. We adjust, and the adjustment is always worth it.
First thing I felt when we got our call was relief. Secondly, panic. The panic doesn't end. I think thats what parenting is. Did I do the right thing, am I doing the right thing? I constantly even at this point second guess our decisions. BUT what I do know is that this journey is different for everyone and we live and learn. I feel like I took the incredibly hard road. But along the way, I had to take time to adjust and pray and figure out WHICH direction God wanted us to go. I urge you to take that time. I pray for your peace and these worries become a distant memory, very very soon. I was excited about IVF, but also had this thing in my brain, OMG what if IT DOES ACTUALLY WORK!?! What if what I prayed for actually comes to fruition? Its equally as scary, I promise you that. I'm still in that 'stage' of the game.
As for PP, that show is the biggest bunch of WHOOIEEE I've ever seen as pertains to the medical field. My husband, refuses to watch it, or be in the same room. When they started with all the IF generalizations (show 1) I had to quit because I knew that it wasn't that way and it would just make me crazy to watch them perpetuate stigmas about all this. I wanted to shout from the rooftop, "Dude, its so NOT that way" however, it makes for an intriguing show. Sorry for hijacking your comment space! Just touched
I heart this post! You captured a lot of my fears as well. When exactly are you planning on starting your IVF cycle? I'm hoping mine can be during my summer break as well. Take care!
Thanks for the book recommendations!
Oh and school -- I can't walk down the hallway without seeing at least 3 pregnant co-workers. We've had 14 pregnancies at my school this year. It's hard hearing the stories, going to the baby showers, etc. So that's another thing I completely understand!
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