How soon they forget...

Reminder to myself: DO NOT FORGET TO REMEMBER WHAT THIS IS LIKE if- scratch that, when I get to the other side.

I wonder: Is it just that it is so painful that you block as many memories as you can once you have a baby of your own in your arms? Is it that you don't want to look back so you forget to be empathetic? I am amazed at some situations I've experienced- when formerly infertile women do the very things in situations that they were once on the other side.

Today a co-worker's daughter was visiting at work with her 4 month old daughter. This is the third time she's dropped by my classroom with her baby and stayed for over a half hour. Not to chat with me, but to hang out with her mom. This isn't too noteworthy- until you find out that she had TTC for 23 months. Both my co-worker and her daughter have been aware of my situation for a long time now so you would think she would be sensitive to how this might make me feel.

Let me interject a side note: Each person's infertility journey is unique. Some things are harder than others for certain people. For some, a BFN is harder than AF. For me, AF is worse. For me, being around babies is among the hardest thing to stomach. Mostly because I hate the feelings I get at the time- sadness, despair, longing, etc- and then combine that with guilt and feeling badly that I don't want to rush up and hold or coo over the infant. Then add to that feelings of gut-wrenching worry that I will always feel this way about babies.

Those feelings I get around babies flat out scare me. I don't want to feel that way. I feel badly for feeling that way. And I'm scared to death that I won't ever stop feeling that way. Even if I someday have a LO of my own in my arms- will I be able to shake that feeling? Am I doomed to this forever?

At least in other similar situations, I can either a.) pretend for a little bit because the people don't "know" about me, or b.) make a graceful exit. But when she visits both a and b don't work. I am stuck. I can't leave my class. I can't pretend. I was blindsided by her visit, and it hurts. On so many levels, it hurts. I am having a hard time understanding why she keeps doing this to me.