It is Probably a Good Thing I'm Not Always a SAHM

It is probably a good thing I'm not always a SAHM. As my summer break from teaching draws to a close this week, I've found that I have gotten in a huge rut with my personal appearance.  Like I spend 0% of my time thinking about it or doing anything about it.  I toss my hair up for the day, and throw on a T shirt and shorts and call it good enough most of the time.  I haven't gotten a haircut since February, which I will be remedying next week, but only because Open House is less than 2 weeks away.  I was thrilled to exist in shorts and Ts once school ended in June, but now that that has been my staple for months I'm a little tired of it, but who puts more effort than that into it when you spend all day with twin toddlers?  Not this mama.

But the most important hidden bonus to not being a SAHM 12 months of the year for me is that I find I really cherish the time I spend with Sam and Anna once I have less of it.  I don't glance at a magazine while they are awake and playing around me once I'm working during the week again (but justifying it with the fact that I think it is important for children to see their parents as readers, too), and I don't hop on the computer for just a few minutes either.  Once I lose that extra daytime with Sam and Anna, I make the hours I do have with them count more.

Yes, I would rather have more hours to spend with Sam and Anna all the time.  Because being a SAHM 12 months of the year is not an option for us, it is nice that there are perks to being a WOHM, too.

Drama, Drama, Drama

*sigh* Working with 99% women always leads to major drama. I have been pretty good at avoiding a lot of it lately, because the walk down to the staff lounge is really too far for me to trudge in my current state. Since I've been eating in my room most of the time, I miss a lot of the drama. Today, I created some drama... but I had no choice.

One of the interviewees for my long term sub position was the daughter of the kindergarten teacher across the hall from me. She just finished student teaching in kindergarten and just graduated in December. Since this fall, she had been giving me (through her mom) her resume, reference letters as she got more, etc.... and I thought she'd probably be my long term sub. From what I know she will be an excellent teacher and is really a natural.

However, one of the other interviewees from this morning recently relocated from a different state... and has 8 years of recent teaching experience in kindergarten. She interviewed really well and after calling her reference (her past principal who had only glowing things to say) there was really no way to justify choosing a recent grad with no experience over her. Since I am going to be gone for 12 weeks and possibly more, this is a pretty long subbing assignment. I don't have an easy class. My principal made it clear who she thought should be selected... which kind of left me with no choice.

What a hard position to be in. So now I'm faced with some major inner school politics. I'm guessing I'll be bearing the brunt of this for a while to come... possibly even into next school year after I return and beyond. I'm pretty sure the degree of helpfulness the teacher across the hall's been giving me will drastically decrease as of now as well.

Side note though- after offering the experienced teacher the position, my principal found out that she also has twins that are first graders, so she totally understands the tentativeness of the time frame for the long term sub position.

*sigh* You'd think by now I would have learned that the right choice isn't always in my best interests personally. Somehow I always seem to get myself in these predicaments where by doing the right thing I pay for it later.

Fleeting Feelings

Why is it that just when you are feeling good and in a good place, IF kicks you right back down with a vengeance???

Really, this rollercoaster of IF really has a sick and twisted mind.

This morning, I was in an unusually good mood for a last day of the work week. I was smiling, singing along to Bob Marley and sipping my Friday treat: a White Chocolate Mocha on my way to school. I actually thought to myself: Hey- my life is pretty good. And then as an after thought: Well, except for the not having a baby stuff, my life is pretty good. And then I almost cried. I almost cried because I was able to think about this hell as an afterthought. I felt proud of myself that I have come so far. And I felt good. It was nice to feel good without it being Jamaica-induced.

Fast forward to this afternoon: My day took a 180 degree about face. My co-workers were at their typical best. (I was going to type in rare form, but then realized its not so rare, really.) Then the -- I don't know, maybe 60th? -- shoe dropped. And no, I'm not exaggerating. It has to be close to 60 damn PG announcements I've endured in the past three damn years. I seriously didn't realize that I knew that many fertile uteruses. Omitting most of the details- this is a really hard one. She told me she was PG in February, then had a m/c. And although I would not wish a m/c on anyone or the inability to get PG (please don't misinterpret me)- she is PG again and that makes it hard. Makes it hard for me b/c I went through this with her about a month ago. Completely selfishly of me, I wish I had a few more months to build up the strength to deal with this. But I don't get that luxury. Damn IF. Stop toying with me.

Well, at least I get Friday off.

Oh and I didn't mention the appropriate daily quote from my calendar, "I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish He didn't trust me so much." --Mother Teresa

My thoughts exactly.

How soon they forget...

Reminder to myself: DO NOT FORGET TO REMEMBER WHAT THIS IS LIKE if- scratch that, when I get to the other side.

I wonder: Is it just that it is so painful that you block as many memories as you can once you have a baby of your own in your arms? Is it that you don't want to look back so you forget to be empathetic? I am amazed at some situations I've experienced- when formerly infertile women do the very things in situations that they were once on the other side.

Today a co-worker's daughter was visiting at work with her 4 month old daughter. This is the third time she's dropped by my classroom with her baby and stayed for over a half hour. Not to chat with me, but to hang out with her mom. This isn't too noteworthy- until you find out that she had TTC for 23 months. Both my co-worker and her daughter have been aware of my situation for a long time now so you would think she would be sensitive to how this might make me feel.

Let me interject a side note: Each person's infertility journey is unique. Some things are harder than others for certain people. For some, a BFN is harder than AF. For me, AF is worse. For me, being around babies is among the hardest thing to stomach. Mostly because I hate the feelings I get at the time- sadness, despair, longing, etc- and then combine that with guilt and feeling badly that I don't want to rush up and hold or coo over the infant. Then add to that feelings of gut-wrenching worry that I will always feel this way about babies.

Those feelings I get around babies flat out scare me. I don't want to feel that way. I feel badly for feeling that way. And I'm scared to death that I won't ever stop feeling that way. Even if I someday have a LO of my own in my arms- will I be able to shake that feeling? Am I doomed to this forever?

At least in other similar situations, I can either a.) pretend for a little bit because the people don't "know" about me, or b.) make a graceful exit. But when she visits both a and b don't work. I am stuck. I can't leave my class. I can't pretend. I was blindsided by her visit, and it hurts. On so many levels, it hurts. I am having a hard time understanding why she keeps doing this to me.