The Post I've Been Meaning to Write for a Month

This post has been brewing for almost a month now.  We have major changes occurring over here, and a part of that was responsible for my dismal posting in November.  When you are mulling over completely changing major aspects of your life, it's a little hard to focus on much else.  It may also be wholly responsible for similar absenteeism after the new year.

Here's the crux of the changes:  My husband interviewed for and accepted a position at a new company.  This new job is an increase in pay (yay!) and also closer to our family (yay!).  This also means that we will be moving away from the state we've lived in for the past 10 years, and returning to the state we both grew up in (also yay!)  He was able to put off his starting date until January 2nd (kinda yay) but that also means that even with waiting a month to start, the roots we've put down here can't all be uprooted by then (not yay). 

In other words, we have a house to sell.  I have a job to leave- not the sort of job where you give two weeks notice.  On the upside though, the striping of my bargaining rights as an educator two years ago means I do not work under a contract anymore, so I can quit my job teaching kindergarten before the end of the school year.

So, when all that is added up, this is what we've got:  Daddy's going to be staying with Grandma (my MIL) Monday through Friday while he works, and driving the 4+ hour drive home on the weekends.  I will be solo parenting it Sunday night through Friday night every. single. week.  Our house is on the market, and we've had 5 showings so far.  Our current plan is that the kids and I are staying here until our house sells, because it would be hard impossible to lose my paycheck and also add in a new mortgage payment or rent on top of our current mortgage.  When we have a date of closing (pushed back as far as possible to give my school as much notice as possible), we'll make plans for all of us to be living together again 7 days a week.  That may mean renting for a bit until this Mama finds a new job.  That may mean living with my in laws for a short while too.  I don't want to rush into buying a new home before I know where I will be working.

Although, this may be a even larger change than we originally thought.  I've been pondering lately using this as an opportunity to leave the teaching profession.  Ideally, I'd love to stay at home with Sam and Anna, and so some sort of telecommuting job with hours that would allow Sam and Anna to not attend daycare.  In my wildest dreams, I'd love to try homeschooling them instead of sending them to public school in a few years.  Teaching (and education) isn't what it used to be- in the 10 short years I've been a kindergarten teacher, it has changed a lot.  I'm not sure it is what will make me the most happy anymore, and I'm not sure it is what will be the best fit for my own children either.  Truth be told, the tragic events of December 14th at Sandy Hook Elementary is playing in a role in this line of thinking (but of course, not the only factors).  Like many parents, I'm sure I was equally shook up about what happened.  But, as a kindergarten teacher, I can honestly say that on the next Monday morning, I have never felt less safe at a place I've worked.  I stared at those 19 sets of innocent eyes and felt the magnitude of the job I was and am entrusted with.  That being their teacher also meant that I would take a bullet for them.  But for Sam and Anna- the increase of testing, the increase of behavioral problems of other students impacting the learning of all, the lack of support from people outside AND inside the school walls, and now the concern for their lack of safety makes me question if a public school education is what's best for them.  Like health care and the political system, education in America needs fixing too- and I don't see it happening anytime soon.  And that is as far as I am going to touch upon Sandy Hook on my blog.

Pros to this big life change:  1. My husband's new job is 30 minutes from my parents and an hour from my MIL- pretty much in the middle of both.  I am overjoyed to finish this monkey business of driving 4+ hours every time we want to visit grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins.  I am thrilled at the opportunities this will provide for Sam and Anna to build closer relationships with their grandparents.  2.  Both of us have been unhappy at multiple parts of our current jobs for some time.  My husband's current company is on track to be run into the ground because of poor management and decision making.  Something needed to be changed on his job end at least, and he's very excited about the new things he will be doing at the new job.  3.  All the other little things we don't like about where we currently are have the potential to be different and/or better.  The things we don't like about our current house could be much better where ever we end up. 4.) If I do decide to get a new teaching position, our future net income could be considerably larger than now.  My husband's larger salary on it's own may create opportunities that are not possible for us now- like homeschooling, or a job for me with non-traditional hours that allow for Sam and Anna to stay home.

Cons:  1.) Um- did you read the solo parenting while Daddy lives Monday through Friday in another state part above?  I know I can do it because I can do hard things, but I can only imagine how much more difficult it may be when you throw in needing to have the house in pristine condition for showings in less than 24 hours notice, and while working a more than full time job as a kindergarten teacher at the same time.  2.)  I love the current situation we have for daycare for Sam and Anna.  I know there is no way we can find something just like it.  (Our pastor's wife who has a childcare background takes care of Sam and Anna with only her 11 month old daughter there, and does preschool like activities with them, for a very reasonable price.  Plus, they have been building such a good relationship with their pastor too- he's our youth pastor and he's soooo good with kids.) 3.) All the little things we love about where we live now we could lose.  For example, the great park we have so much fun at, the local farmer's market, the local children's museum, the wood burning fireplace in our living room, living within walking distance of the public library, friends we'd leave behind, etc. 4.) Leaving my kindergarten class midyear would be extremely hard.  Not just in the explaining it to my class and students' parents kind of way, but also in that I've taught kindergarten for 7 years at the same school.  A huge amount of stuff in that super sized classroom is mine, and really will involve almost the same amount of packing, going though, etc. that our home will.  Yuck- how on earth am I going to carve out the time to pack and move not only our house stuff but my classroom stuff- again, all while working full time and solo parenting two toddlers 5 days a week???

Overall, I'm going with the idea that to take steps forward, you have to be willing to take risks.  We could have stayed where we were comfortable (here) and be resigned to the things we didn't like.  Or we could take the risk that the potential of this opportunity has the ability to be so much better than our current now.  Only time will tell- but I am excited at the possibilities once we get past this hard interim.

I'm Probably Jinxing Myself...

I can't help it, I just have to say it- although I am fully aware that putting this is writing will inevitably completely reverse all of it tomorrow and I'll think it was all in my imagination. 

This will come across as a brag post, but all mamas are proud of their kids and everyone has a right to profess how proud they are of their children.  Someday, I want Sam and Anna to read the words I wrote about them growing up and know though my words that I was proud of them.

Simply put, I am really loving this age.  This 2 and a half stuff is awesome.  Sam and Anna are such fantastic kids, I am in awe daily at how well they interact with each other.  They know so much- it astounds me what they retain on a daily basis, especially when I have more than one student in my kindergarten class that knows less colors, less shapes, less numbers, letters, sounds, etc (the list goes on and on) than my two do... and the kids in my class are twice their age.   Their comprehension of stories we read is superior than more than a few kids in my class- I can read the same book in my classroom that I read to Sam and Anna for bedtime, and in my class I get a few blank stares and unrelated answers to questions that do not make sense, while at home Sam and Anna can answer my questions(the same ones!) appropriately.  Keep in mind that they are 2 and a half, and the kindergartners in my room are 5 and 6 years old. It seems like every day I am shocked at what they can do or know when I'm working so hard to get those 5 and 6 year olds to get it.  (For example, Sam was pointing out that I had 3 As on my shirt, and 2 Ms.  He said that big M's are for Mama, and little m is in his name.  Then he said- A is for Anna, but where's S?  Oh there it is... pointing in the correct location.  Or when my FIL was trying to stump Sam and Anna on shapes, and tried asking them to identify a octagon- you bet Sam told him that one too!  Ask them what planet they live on, and they can tell you Earth.  Ask them who the president is, and they say Obama. They can correctly identify their right from their left, etc.)

For the most part, both Sam and Anna listen really well and rarely test their boundaries anymore.  We've got a discipline system that works well for us, and I'm thrilled.  Sam and Anna respond wonderfully to choices and counting- a mere counting to 20 will hold off any impatience for toy sharing, or wanting to do something they can't right then (plus, they've gotten very good at counting to 20!).  It makes things so much easier when you don't have to exert your parental power in a power struggle all day long, and then we have more time for fun things!

I also love that we can take them just about anywhere and they will behave well.  I really cannot remember the last disgruntled child I had in a public place.  I think my children must be extroverts, because it seems like the busier we are, the more places we go, the better and happier they are.  They love going on "adventures" and often ask us, "What are we doing today?  Or "Where are we going?" I took them 7 different places on Saturday by myself, without a fuss.  But yet, they can play for hours at home too, together and on their own without needing much adult attention too.

I adore talking with them, having grand conversations about the world around them- seeing what they know and understand, what they are trying to make sense of, what they want to know more about.  Seeing the world through fresh eyes (like when I told them they were "cracking me up," and they touched my arm and said, "Crack crack!" because they had no idea the meaning behind my words and thought I was telling them they were literally cracking me!).

And how they are together is just icing on the cake.  They play together like pros (of course, they have had their whole lives to practice, haha!).  They say please and thank you to each other unprompted, kiss each other's bumps, help each other other, and selflessly give up their things for the other one most of the time.

This week, my husband went on one of his longest work trips since Sam and Anna were born, and may even possibly his longest work trip since they were born.  Regardless, it has been pretty easy this time around.  I keep flashing back to what it was like to solo parent 7 month olds when he went on his first work trip since they came into our lives- the waking during the night, the baby food feeding, the bathing, and all the other stuff that required toting two not mobile babies everywhere something needed to be done, including to daycare at 7 am.  Now, they go to the bathroom on their own, put their clothes and shoes off and on with minimal assistance, walk where ever we need to go, eat with no extra effort required that what I do for myself, and of course, sleep through the night...  I can see why people often have a second child when the first is 2!  This is so much easier than life with twins before the age of 2.

Mostly though, I just spent time each day feeling so blessed that these two wonderful children are mine and love me almost as much as I love them.

* of course, last night BOTH of them woke up once- Sam hit his head against the wall and woke up crying for a minute, and Anna woke up (I think she was cold) and needed to be recovered by her blanket before quickly falling back asleep.  Oh well, I still think my kids are fabulous!

*They are normal kids though, don't get me wrong- Sam likes to push Anna's buttons sometimes like a typical brother and she'll yell back at him.  Sam still gets up out of bed twice before falling asleep even though our rule is that they stay in bed.  Anna is a picky eater, which can be frustrating because she's the one who could use a little meat on her bones.  Still love 'em to the moon and back though!

More Firsts

Yesterday was the first time we left Sam and Anna with non-relative babysitters. Before this, my parents watched them at our house while they were visiting so my husband and I could go out to eat for his birthday (they were just under a month old at the time). It has been a month since we've been able to go out to eat just the two of us. I couldn't have asked for better babysitters: my co-teacher and her daughter both are licensed birth-3rd grade teachers, currently teaching kindergarten. My co-teacher's daughter worked at a childcare while she was in college. I was very confident that things would go well, and didn't even call to check on them once. :)

Last Thursday I took the babies to visit my students at school for the first time. It is an understatement to say that it wasn't easy to haul them there on the 30 minute drive by myself, especially since neither one likes car rides. Sam cried the entire drive there. It definitely felt weird to walk those halls and see my class, since I hadn't been there for 9 weeks. I realized that I am really out of teacher-mode! I have only a few weeks until I go back on May 20th to finish out the school year and needless to say, I'm dreading that immensely. Yesterday my husband and I talked seriously again about letting our savings take a big hit so I don't have to go back for those 3 weeks. My class just doesn't really feel like "my" class anymore on top of how horrible I know I'll feel to leave my babies for so many hours a day.

I plan on bring the babies to visit my old school (where I taught 4 years ago) this week. I still keep in touch with several of the teachers I used to work with there. It is an hour drive one way, so wish me luck! I hope we can time it so that they end up sleeping on the way there and back.

Sleep at night has continued to get better around here- Sam had his first STTN experience last week- he went from 9 pm until 4 am. Anna's consistently sleeping from about 9:00 pm until 6:30 am. So they both STTN that night! Awesome! I can't wait until they both go 9:00 pm to 6:30 am. We've gotten better at a regular bedtime and nighttime routine lately. We typically start at around 8 pm. Last night was the smoothest transition to sleep yet: both babies got put in their cribs drowsy but not yet asleep and both fell asleep on their own with minimal fussing. This was great considering we had been using a blow dryer running in their room at night for the last week or so to prevent struggling to get them to sleep for over an hour after we started to put them down. They have gotten so much better at self-soothing, which is encouraging. I am looking forward to the days when daytime naps go that well too.

Firsts for me: I am back in my pre-PG underwear, and several of my looser pre-PG tops. I tried on jeans yesterday and although I'm no where near my pre-PG size (which was the smallest size I've ever been), I'm no longer in the biggest size I've ever been. I'm trying to remind myself when I get discouraged about the flub around my middle that in high school my jeans were a size bigger than what I can wear now. So hey, progress is being made. Now if I can only find time to actually do the 30 Day Shred...

Drama, Drama, Drama

*sigh* Working with 99% women always leads to major drama. I have been pretty good at avoiding a lot of it lately, because the walk down to the staff lounge is really too far for me to trudge in my current state. Since I've been eating in my room most of the time, I miss a lot of the drama. Today, I created some drama... but I had no choice.

One of the interviewees for my long term sub position was the daughter of the kindergarten teacher across the hall from me. She just finished student teaching in kindergarten and just graduated in December. Since this fall, she had been giving me (through her mom) her resume, reference letters as she got more, etc.... and I thought she'd probably be my long term sub. From what I know she will be an excellent teacher and is really a natural.

However, one of the other interviewees from this morning recently relocated from a different state... and has 8 years of recent teaching experience in kindergarten. She interviewed really well and after calling her reference (her past principal who had only glowing things to say) there was really no way to justify choosing a recent grad with no experience over her. Since I am going to be gone for 12 weeks and possibly more, this is a pretty long subbing assignment. I don't have an easy class. My principal made it clear who she thought should be selected... which kind of left me with no choice.

What a hard position to be in. So now I'm faced with some major inner school politics. I'm guessing I'll be bearing the brunt of this for a while to come... possibly even into next school year after I return and beyond. I'm pretty sure the degree of helpfulness the teacher across the hall's been giving me will drastically decrease as of now as well.

Side note though- after offering the experienced teacher the position, my principal found out that she also has twins that are first graders, so she totally understands the tentativeness of the time frame for the long term sub position.

*sigh* You'd think by now I would have learned that the right choice isn't always in my best interests personally. Somehow I always seem to get myself in these predicaments where by doing the right thing I pay for it later.

The Day Which Shall Not Be Named and NIAW

So I'm a little ahead of things. That's how I roll. (See beginning of last post: I already told you I was a planner- you were forewarned) TV and the card aisle at your favorite store are already full steam ahead in celebrating M-day (The Day Which Shall Not Be Named)- so why can't I be early with NIAW too?

In case you didn't know, NIAW starts April 25th and goes through May 2nd. To celebrate, today, I started an argument I know I have no shot in hell at winning with our insurance reps. It went something like this via email: "Causes no harm, my ass." and "Tell me what physical harm is being treated with V*agra then." and "the CDC considers it a medical condition, why don't you?" Maybe I can get Jake to bake a NIAW cake- or even give me a gift! Hey, why not??? So what are you planning to do for NIAW week?

Now back to That Day in May. I am already dreading it, like any IFer does. For me, it starts well before the cards come out or the ads begin. For me, it starts when I begin planning my lessons. Hmmm... what should we make for That Day's gifts in kindergarten? What should I teach that week about that topic? Twist that knife a little more. I have cute songs we sing, books we read... and we even recognize That Day at our grade-wide concert that always falls on that Friday. Torture, really. But I can gleefully say, it won't be quite so bad this year! Because I have a student teacher! She will be reading the books, singing the songs, and making the cards and gifts. And me, I'll be in my happy place- or locked in the back store room where I can't hear their darn singing. Then the weekend around That Day... I will be at a spa, with my now-I-know-who-my-real-friends-are friend- who needs a little spa happy place time too. I think I will start a yearly tradition, baby or not.