The Post I've Been Meaning to Write for a Month

This post has been brewing for almost a month now.  We have major changes occurring over here, and a part of that was responsible for my dismal posting in November.  When you are mulling over completely changing major aspects of your life, it's a little hard to focus on much else.  It may also be wholly responsible for similar absenteeism after the new year.

Here's the crux of the changes:  My husband interviewed for and accepted a position at a new company.  This new job is an increase in pay (yay!) and also closer to our family (yay!).  This also means that we will be moving away from the state we've lived in for the past 10 years, and returning to the state we both grew up in (also yay!)  He was able to put off his starting date until January 2nd (kinda yay) but that also means that even with waiting a month to start, the roots we've put down here can't all be uprooted by then (not yay). 

In other words, we have a house to sell.  I have a job to leave- not the sort of job where you give two weeks notice.  On the upside though, the striping of my bargaining rights as an educator two years ago means I do not work under a contract anymore, so I can quit my job teaching kindergarten before the end of the school year.

So, when all that is added up, this is what we've got:  Daddy's going to be staying with Grandma (my MIL) Monday through Friday while he works, and driving the 4+ hour drive home on the weekends.  I will be solo parenting it Sunday night through Friday night every. single. week.  Our house is on the market, and we've had 5 showings so far.  Our current plan is that the kids and I are staying here until our house sells, because it would be hard impossible to lose my paycheck and also add in a new mortgage payment or rent on top of our current mortgage.  When we have a date of closing (pushed back as far as possible to give my school as much notice as possible), we'll make plans for all of us to be living together again 7 days a week.  That may mean renting for a bit until this Mama finds a new job.  That may mean living with my in laws for a short while too.  I don't want to rush into buying a new home before I know where I will be working.

Although, this may be a even larger change than we originally thought.  I've been pondering lately using this as an opportunity to leave the teaching profession.  Ideally, I'd love to stay at home with Sam and Anna, and so some sort of telecommuting job with hours that would allow Sam and Anna to not attend daycare.  In my wildest dreams, I'd love to try homeschooling them instead of sending them to public school in a few years.  Teaching (and education) isn't what it used to be- in the 10 short years I've been a kindergarten teacher, it has changed a lot.  I'm not sure it is what will make me the most happy anymore, and I'm not sure it is what will be the best fit for my own children either.  Truth be told, the tragic events of December 14th at Sandy Hook Elementary is playing in a role in this line of thinking (but of course, not the only factors).  Like many parents, I'm sure I was equally shook up about what happened.  But, as a kindergarten teacher, I can honestly say that on the next Monday morning, I have never felt less safe at a place I've worked.  I stared at those 19 sets of innocent eyes and felt the magnitude of the job I was and am entrusted with.  That being their teacher also meant that I would take a bullet for them.  But for Sam and Anna- the increase of testing, the increase of behavioral problems of other students impacting the learning of all, the lack of support from people outside AND inside the school walls, and now the concern for their lack of safety makes me question if a public school education is what's best for them.  Like health care and the political system, education in America needs fixing too- and I don't see it happening anytime soon.  And that is as far as I am going to touch upon Sandy Hook on my blog.

Pros to this big life change:  1. My husband's new job is 30 minutes from my parents and an hour from my MIL- pretty much in the middle of both.  I am overjoyed to finish this monkey business of driving 4+ hours every time we want to visit grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins.  I am thrilled at the opportunities this will provide for Sam and Anna to build closer relationships with their grandparents.  2.  Both of us have been unhappy at multiple parts of our current jobs for some time.  My husband's current company is on track to be run into the ground because of poor management and decision making.  Something needed to be changed on his job end at least, and he's very excited about the new things he will be doing at the new job.  3.  All the other little things we don't like about where we currently are have the potential to be different and/or better.  The things we don't like about our current house could be much better where ever we end up. 4.) If I do decide to get a new teaching position, our future net income could be considerably larger than now.  My husband's larger salary on it's own may create opportunities that are not possible for us now- like homeschooling, or a job for me with non-traditional hours that allow for Sam and Anna to stay home.

Cons:  1.) Um- did you read the solo parenting while Daddy lives Monday through Friday in another state part above?  I know I can do it because I can do hard things, but I can only imagine how much more difficult it may be when you throw in needing to have the house in pristine condition for showings in less than 24 hours notice, and while working a more than full time job as a kindergarten teacher at the same time.  2.)  I love the current situation we have for daycare for Sam and Anna.  I know there is no way we can find something just like it.  (Our pastor's wife who has a childcare background takes care of Sam and Anna with only her 11 month old daughter there, and does preschool like activities with them, for a very reasonable price.  Plus, they have been building such a good relationship with their pastor too- he's our youth pastor and he's soooo good with kids.) 3.) All the little things we love about where we live now we could lose.  For example, the great park we have so much fun at, the local farmer's market, the local children's museum, the wood burning fireplace in our living room, living within walking distance of the public library, friends we'd leave behind, etc. 4.) Leaving my kindergarten class midyear would be extremely hard.  Not just in the explaining it to my class and students' parents kind of way, but also in that I've taught kindergarten for 7 years at the same school.  A huge amount of stuff in that super sized classroom is mine, and really will involve almost the same amount of packing, going though, etc. that our home will.  Yuck- how on earth am I going to carve out the time to pack and move not only our house stuff but my classroom stuff- again, all while working full time and solo parenting two toddlers 5 days a week???

Overall, I'm going with the idea that to take steps forward, you have to be willing to take risks.  We could have stayed where we were comfortable (here) and be resigned to the things we didn't like.  Or we could take the risk that the potential of this opportunity has the ability to be so much better than our current now.  Only time will tell- but I am excited at the possibilities once we get past this hard interim.

I'm Probably Jinxing Myself...

I can't help it, I just have to say it- although I am fully aware that putting this is writing will inevitably completely reverse all of it tomorrow and I'll think it was all in my imagination. 

This will come across as a brag post, but all mamas are proud of their kids and everyone has a right to profess how proud they are of their children.  Someday, I want Sam and Anna to read the words I wrote about them growing up and know though my words that I was proud of them.

Simply put, I am really loving this age.  This 2 and a half stuff is awesome.  Sam and Anna are such fantastic kids, I am in awe daily at how well they interact with each other.  They know so much- it astounds me what they retain on a daily basis, especially when I have more than one student in my kindergarten class that knows less colors, less shapes, less numbers, letters, sounds, etc (the list goes on and on) than my two do... and the kids in my class are twice their age.   Their comprehension of stories we read is superior than more than a few kids in my class- I can read the same book in my classroom that I read to Sam and Anna for bedtime, and in my class I get a few blank stares and unrelated answers to questions that do not make sense, while at home Sam and Anna can answer my questions(the same ones!) appropriately.  Keep in mind that they are 2 and a half, and the kindergartners in my room are 5 and 6 years old. It seems like every day I am shocked at what they can do or know when I'm working so hard to get those 5 and 6 year olds to get it.  (For example, Sam was pointing out that I had 3 As on my shirt, and 2 Ms.  He said that big M's are for Mama, and little m is in his name.  Then he said- A is for Anna, but where's S?  Oh there it is... pointing in the correct location.  Or when my FIL was trying to stump Sam and Anna on shapes, and tried asking them to identify a octagon- you bet Sam told him that one too!  Ask them what planet they live on, and they can tell you Earth.  Ask them who the president is, and they say Obama. They can correctly identify their right from their left, etc.)

For the most part, both Sam and Anna listen really well and rarely test their boundaries anymore.  We've got a discipline system that works well for us, and I'm thrilled.  Sam and Anna respond wonderfully to choices and counting- a mere counting to 20 will hold off any impatience for toy sharing, or wanting to do something they can't right then (plus, they've gotten very good at counting to 20!).  It makes things so much easier when you don't have to exert your parental power in a power struggle all day long, and then we have more time for fun things!

I also love that we can take them just about anywhere and they will behave well.  I really cannot remember the last disgruntled child I had in a public place.  I think my children must be extroverts, because it seems like the busier we are, the more places we go, the better and happier they are.  They love going on "adventures" and often ask us, "What are we doing today?  Or "Where are we going?" I took them 7 different places on Saturday by myself, without a fuss.  But yet, they can play for hours at home too, together and on their own without needing much adult attention too.

I adore talking with them, having grand conversations about the world around them- seeing what they know and understand, what they are trying to make sense of, what they want to know more about.  Seeing the world through fresh eyes (like when I told them they were "cracking me up," and they touched my arm and said, "Crack crack!" because they had no idea the meaning behind my words and thought I was telling them they were literally cracking me!).

And how they are together is just icing on the cake.  They play together like pros (of course, they have had their whole lives to practice, haha!).  They say please and thank you to each other unprompted, kiss each other's bumps, help each other other, and selflessly give up their things for the other one most of the time.

This week, my husband went on one of his longest work trips since Sam and Anna were born, and may even possibly his longest work trip since they were born.  Regardless, it has been pretty easy this time around.  I keep flashing back to what it was like to solo parent 7 month olds when he went on his first work trip since they came into our lives- the waking during the night, the baby food feeding, the bathing, and all the other stuff that required toting two not mobile babies everywhere something needed to be done, including to daycare at 7 am.  Now, they go to the bathroom on their own, put their clothes and shoes off and on with minimal assistance, walk where ever we need to go, eat with no extra effort required that what I do for myself, and of course, sleep through the night...  I can see why people often have a second child when the first is 2!  This is so much easier than life with twins before the age of 2.

Mostly though, I just spent time each day feeling so blessed that these two wonderful children are mine and love me almost as much as I love them.

* of course, last night BOTH of them woke up once- Sam hit his head against the wall and woke up crying for a minute, and Anna woke up (I think she was cold) and needed to be recovered by her blanket before quickly falling back asleep.  Oh well, I still think my kids are fabulous!

*They are normal kids though, don't get me wrong- Sam likes to push Anna's buttons sometimes like a typical brother and she'll yell back at him.  Sam still gets up out of bed twice before falling asleep even though our rule is that they stay in bed.  Anna is a picky eater, which can be frustrating because she's the one who could use a little meat on her bones.  Still love 'em to the moon and back though!

Bubbles for Ainsley and Evelyn

On Saturday, Jennifer & Mark Knepper lost their 16 month old daughter after a lifelong battle in the hospital. Jen's blog, Maybe If You Just Relax was quite possibly the first infertility blog I began reading years ago.  At least some part of the existence of this blog is due to reading hers, although I lack the wit and humor that she graciously shares with anyone who happens upon her little corner of the internet.  I remember the successful pregnancy test after IVF from their first daughter Olivia, following her birth and beyond to the frozen transfer that resulted in the twin pregnancy of Ainsley and Evelyn.  Evelyn tragically died at birth, and Ainsley fought a long, hard battle in the hospital for the past 16 months.  Ainsley Knepper passed away this weekend; the day before Mother's Day.  I cried when I read the news Sunday afternoon.  I cannot fathom what Jen and Mark have been through since the day Ainsley and Evelyn were born, nor can I wrap my head around what they are going through now.  You can bet that I've hugged my own little ones a bit longer; a bit tighter and lingered at their cribs a bit later at bedtime in the past few days.   Tonight, from 5-8pm the Knepper family is having a memorial service for Ainsley. During that time, a large number of people will be blowing bubbles to show Ainsley and Evelyn how many people care about them and have been touched by them during their short presence on earth.  Sam, Anna and I headed outdoors after getting home from daycare to remember another very special set of twins, together again in heaven.     No one should have to lose a child. Losing two in less than two years is unimaginable. Hug your loved ones and remember that life is fragile and tomorrow is never a guarantee. From the facebook group:  If you want to read more about the Knepper family, you can find their blog here: www.jennepper.com. If you want to do something else to help them, there are many things in the works. Please email knepperfamilydonations@gmail.com for more information.

Am I Holding Them Back?

Getting rid of the bottles was an easy one for me.  Although we didn't do it early, I was more than happy to say adios to our collection of bottles, nipples, drying racks and the hefty formula cost the week before Sam and Anna's one year old birthday.  We had a long struggle with bottle feeding due to reflux, and I was eager to put that as far behind us as possible.

The remaining signs of Sam and Anna's babyhood have been a little harder to let go.  Anna still uses her pacifier ("Nuk") while sleeping at home, albeit not at daycare.  I know it is time to drop that habit, but I'm not up for the bad sleep that we'll inevitably get for a while to make it happen.  It's crazy to me that Sam's been done with any form of pacifiers for over a year but she just keeps hanging on.  I vow to not have a 2 year old with a pacifier, so that means I've got about 2 months left to get that thing out of our house.

Then there are the cups.  I guess Sam and Anna don't use sippy cups at daycare anymore, they are just drinking out of regular cups.  At home, we still get some droppage of cups at times, so that's not something I really want to do full-time here yet.  We still use our space-saver high chairs too, while at daycare Sam and Anna have been sitting on real chairs for the past 4 months.  I like the containment factor honestly.  I know that when they are strapped in, I can usually get them to eat a little bit more before letting them go play again.  

I have no plans on using toddler beds if I can help it either- and Sam and Anna still sleep in their sleep sacks in their cribs to make it happen.  I'd rather buy twin beds this summer and skip the toddler bed step, but am I holding Sam and Anna back by keeping them in cribs for so long without pillows, blankets, etc.?  My daycare provider keeps sending me links to toddler beds on craigslist so I've gotten the impression that she wants us to make the switch, although she hasn't actually said so, because then it will be easier for her while they are with her at daycare.  She did mention once considering taking them out of their pack and plays during nap to see how they do, but she hasn't yet.

And then there's the potty training issue.  Apparently Sam requested to sit on the toilet at daycare this week saying he had to poop.  He wasn't successful, but then Anna of course wanted to sit there as well.  This was the first time my children have sat on the potty.  I'm not ready to potty train.  Maybe my kids are, but I'm not.  The news that Amazon is ending their nice diaper deal tomorrow is a good motivating factor, but I just don't want to tackle that times two yet. 

Am I holding them back from the toddlers they are ready to be?  Is it just that I don't want them to grow up faster than I am ready for?  I prefer to think that it's no big deal, and the pressure I feel to be doing these things are just a product of our society's need to make kids grow up to fast.  What's the harm in waiting a little longer for these things, especially since they are experiencing some of them, some of the time, for practice?

It's not like I treat them like babies in other ways.  I think my children have high expectations set for them in other areas.  They help take off their clothes (and in Anna's case, put them on too), as well as put them in the laundry basket on their own or put their outside clothing away in the right place.  They are expected to clean up, and they have a good handle on sharing even if they don't always want to.  They do puzzles with multiple pieces, and know some things that sometimes kindergartners (5-6 year olds) in my classes start the year not knowing.

In short, I guess I feel like we're doing just fine, even if my almost 2 year olds still sleep in cribs with sleep sacks (one with a pacifier), after drinking from sippy cups in high chairs, with no idea that they can wear something other than diapers if they go in the toilet like big kids.  After all, it's not like they still drink from a bottle.

My Summer Is Over

Last year, I wrote a lot of posts about returning to work after 6 months of being home with Sam and Anna.  It was definitely one of the harder things I've done, but because being a SAHM 100% of the time isn't an option for us, there was no choice.

This August, I've pretty much steered clear of the topic because my motto has been mostly "it is what it is."

It will be hard.  I will be sad.  I will wish for more than just the summer months to stay home with Sam and Anna.  But it is what it is.

I know it will get easier.  I know some days will be harder, but I know it will be okay.  I know that our daycare provider is a great person to have care for Sam and Anna during the day and I know they'll still love me more because I'm their momma.  I know I may miss some giggles and smiles, but the ones I will see will be that much more heart-bursting.  I may miss a "first" but I'll always have my firsts with them.

It is what it is.  And it is going to be okay.

Words Can Be Misleading

This twin thing has been hard. You can't fathom how difficult it is until you've lived it. My husband and I have really struggled in our attempts to parent our babies during the first two months of their life. I know every family goes through "survival mode," but sometimes I think we're so beyond survival mode that we're in the trenches, fighting to keep our sanity and to keep going.

Any new parent at least sometimes doubts that they are doing a good job or that they can do this (right?)... we doubt it daily (sometimes hourly on a bad day). I've shed a lot of tears, my husband has shed a lot of tears. I will even admit there have been two days where I called my husband at work in tears and asked him to come home early.

We considered hiring a part-time nanny to help me during the day when I'm home alone, because the two babies were/are often too much for one person to handle. I love my babies. This should go without saying. But they are colicky. They have reflux. They are not "easy" babies. My self-esteem took a hit when we thought about getting a nanny to help me out. I thought, "why does it seem like other moms to twins (of the blogs I read) can do it, when I can't?" When I shared this thought with my husband, he explained that my posts on here don't really let on how hard it is(except for the reflux), and that maybe other twin-momma bloggers feel the same way, but just don't share it , like I hadn't.

So I thought about why I hadn't really shared these thoughts on here, and I realized something. Because of the process that we took to get our babies, and because of the population most of the readers of this blog belong to (the IF community), it just doesn't feel right to "complain" about how hard it is. It doesn't feel like I should be anything less than blissful that we got our two miracles via IVF. Because we weren't supposed to be able to have children, and then we were blessed with two (!). Maybe other twin-momma bloggers feel a similar way? I never wanted this blog to turn into a "infertility-was-ridiculously-hard-now-twins-is-ridiculously-hard-too kind of blog. But I do want this to be a honest blog. I don't want to paint a picture of anything that is different than reality.

So yes, infertility was the hardest thing I've ever gone through in my life. Being a first-time parent to twin newborns is also one of the hardest things I've ever gone through too. Completely and utterly worth it, but hard all the same.

Postpartum Me

isn't happy with my appearance. At all.

"I know it's only been 5 weeks. I know that I grew two healthy babies. And I know that it will take time, I was larger than life so it takes time to shrink, it's all worth it and any of that other logical BS you throw at me. Believe me, I know it. But it doesn't mean I'm any happier with myself. " Danse said this on her blog months ago- and I wholeheartedly agree.

I gained a whopping 70 pounds from my "normal" weight pre-IVF to the last weigh-in a few days before I gave birth (Dude- that's like carrying around two smaller kindergartners. No wonder I was in more pain than you can imagine). I justified that gain because a.) I was carrying TWO babies, people- which means twice the amniotic fluid, double the placenta weight, etc. and b.) I was a smaller person pre-pregnancy (I so miss my size 4 pants) and had heard several times that the smaller you are, the more weight you typically gain. c.) I lucked out in the morning sickness department and only threw up twice- and it wasn't even that much those two times, so I didn't have that way of losing lots of calories when I was ravenous 24/7 back then.

I lost 40 pounds in the first three weeks. It was amazing! I felt like I could literally see the difference day by day. Then the next week I hopped on the scale, and... no change. Hopped on the scale the following week, and discovered only a few pounds missing. Right now I still look pregnant.

My wardrobe is more pathetic than ever. I remember feeling tired of the limited clothing I could wear at the end of being pregnant, and I wish I had that many options now. I still am wearing maternity pants if I go out in public. At home I wear stretchy bottoms, feeling at least a little good that those aren't still maternity wear. I wear my largest T-shirts or my husband's T's. I wear sweatshirts. That's it- my entire wardrobe. Soon I'll be heading back to work. Comfy pants and T-shirts aren't going to cut it there. I have been holding off buying any clothes- because optimistic me says that soon I'll be smaller and the new stuff won't fit for long anyway. Plus, it's depressing to try it all on. I tried on a pair of jeans 4 sizes larger than my old size (thinking that at least my jeans wouldn't be maternity anymore) last weekend and they still wouldn't button. Very, very depressing.

My stomach looks droopy, stretchmarky and deflated. It jiggles. I can't tell if my uterus is still stretched contributing to my belly or if that's just my belly. God, I hope not. Either way, it's not a pretty sight. I'll live with the stretchmarks happily if the rest returns to my old self. I can't fathom that happening even in my wildest dreams, though.

Next week is my 6 week postpartum appointment, where I should get cleared to resume all normal activity. I prepared this week by ordering Jillian Michael's 3 DVD set. 30 Day Shred, here I come. No More Trouble Zones: I've got a challenge for you. When I'll find the time for those, I don't know. But I don't think my power walks with the double stroller are going to erase the back fat and belly overhang I'm rockin' right now, among other areas of excess fat. I also ordered a pair of Spanxs. Two of the mean teachers in my grade have personal trainers- I am NOT going back to school without doing everything I can to make the lumps, bumps and jiggles disappear as much as possible.

I am scared that I'll never be able to wear my old clothes again. I am scared that the belly overhang is going to be there forever. I am scared that I'll never embrace the body that I have ever again- and it took many years from high school to my twenties to get there in the first place.

Prayers Please

Holy Sh*t- twins are difficult. We've hit colic big time around here, and although I'm beginning to sound like a broken record, I'm going to say it again, anyway: if you think something is hard with one baby, you can't imagine how hard it is with two at the same time. Both my husband and I have cried every day in the past three days. With one baby, they have to sleep eventually, even with colic, and give you a break. With two babies- there can always be a baby awake and crying. And it pretty much seems like they are. I was awake from 2:30-6:00 am last night with crying babies- and the only reason I started and stopped at those times was because my husband had baby duty before and after that time. Double the intense crying 24/7 is enough to drive you mad.

I'd appreciate prayers that we have better nights and figure out the magical cure to end crying for both Sam and Anna if you have prayers to spare. And, if you have any advice to offer, please do. (We do follow the 5 S's for Happiest Baby on the Block, use Mylicon and Gripe Water, switched to a gentle formula per pediatrician's okay, etc. already)

Here's a rare "content babies" photo that I have taken to looking at frequently, just to remind me that they can be content:

What I Am Going To Miss... And Not So Much

What I'm Going To Miss:

• The feeling that I'm carrying around two miracles everywhere I go
• The kicks, rolls and hiccups of my two little ones
• Listening to the sweet sound of their heartbeats
• Seeing them grow on each consecutive ultrasound
• The unique connection between my little ones and me
• My husband reading stories to my tummy
• My husband's tummy kisses
• People telling me how great I look and their willingness to help me do things
• Eating whatever I want to eat and my husband's willingness to run to the grocery story to indulge any food fancy
• Not having to suck my stomach in
• Taking a nap whenever I feel like it/doing things on my own itinerary
  

What I'm Not Going To Miss:

• The back pain, hip pain, joint pain, arch pain in my feet, etc.
• Swollen feet
• Having a runny nose for 9 months that always results in a little blood
• The close relationship that I've developed with the bathroom
• Going to the doctor so often
• Getting the annoying calls confirming each and every appointment and verifying my insurance/personal information before every single appointment
• Wondering and worrying about what is going to happen, when they will come, will they be healthy, what will they look like, etc.
• The effort it takes to get up off of the couch or to get in and out of vehicles
• Sleeping on my side
• Each sensation that I can't identify in my stomach that makes me wonder what's going on- is something wrong, are these contractions, is this It?
• Having to eat so much that I'm sick of all food
• Poo issues- 'nough said
• A ridiculously small wardrobe
• Heartburn and acid reflux
• Waking up because my arm has fallen asleep
• Leg cramps
• Watching my stretch marks grow every day
  

Call Me Crazy...

Call me crazy, but now that I think I've dropped, I'm a little wistful that I never got kicked in the ribs and I don't think it will happen now.

Call me crazy, but I'm afraid my belly button isn't going to pop and that makes me sad.

Call me crazy, but some days I'd be okay with one baby born vaginally and one via C-section- just so I get to experience both ways.

This will be my only pregnancy and although some days I'm barely hanging by a thread by the end (or even in the morning when I get up- who am I kidding), I am sad to see it end. Every day I soak in the feeling of limbs moving inside my uterus, thinking that every day could be the last time to feel that. I want every pregnancy experience. I know far too soon these days will be a foggy memory.

It still seems unreal to me that very soon two babies will be coming home with us. The thought crosses my mind every once in a while that maybe they are wrong and there's only one in there. (Irrational, I know). It still seems so hard to believe we are having twins at times that I actually pinched myself last night, just to reassure myself that I was truly not just dreaming. Some days I just can't believe that is is and will be my life.

I am so fortunate. I am so blessed.

Drama, Drama, Drama

*sigh* Working with 99% women always leads to major drama. I have been pretty good at avoiding a lot of it lately, because the walk down to the staff lounge is really too far for me to trudge in my current state. Since I've been eating in my room most of the time, I miss a lot of the drama. Today, I created some drama... but I had no choice.

One of the interviewees for my long term sub position was the daughter of the kindergarten teacher across the hall from me. She just finished student teaching in kindergarten and just graduated in December. Since this fall, she had been giving me (through her mom) her resume, reference letters as she got more, etc.... and I thought she'd probably be my long term sub. From what I know she will be an excellent teacher and is really a natural.

However, one of the other interviewees from this morning recently relocated from a different state... and has 8 years of recent teaching experience in kindergarten. She interviewed really well and after calling her reference (her past principal who had only glowing things to say) there was really no way to justify choosing a recent grad with no experience over her. Since I am going to be gone for 12 weeks and possibly more, this is a pretty long subbing assignment. I don't have an easy class. My principal made it clear who she thought should be selected... which kind of left me with no choice.

What a hard position to be in. So now I'm faced with some major inner school politics. I'm guessing I'll be bearing the brunt of this for a while to come... possibly even into next school year after I return and beyond. I'm pretty sure the degree of helpfulness the teacher across the hall's been giving me will drastically decrease as of now as well.

Side note though- after offering the experienced teacher the position, my principal found out that she also has twins that are first graders, so she totally understands the tentativeness of the time frame for the long term sub position.

*sigh* You'd think by now I would have learned that the right choice isn't always in my best interests personally. Somehow I always seem to get myself in these predicaments where by doing the right thing I pay for it later.

Belly Feelings

Thank you so much for your kind comments about my quickly expanding belly. This has been my latest source of worry- just how darn big am I going to get? Am I going to need a wheelbarrow to tote myself around in the end? Are my small size four pant legs going to break under the weight of the enormous belly I will have and the massive chest I am getting? (Sadly, I think I need to shop for new bras AGAIN). Will working until 38 weeks be a totally unrealistic goal because of my gargantuan size?

It didn't help that the same day I resigned to wearing maternity tops full time was the first day my 32 weeks pregnant co-worker wore her first maternity shirt. And I'm 14 weeks.

Overall, I am thrilled to have a bump.

I waited so long for this moment- I revel in the miraculousness of it every day. Every morning the first thing I do is touch my bump and remember how very blessed we are. I am amazed and in love with the babies inside. I find myself narcissistically checking out my bump in every reflective surface I pass. I marvel at the sight I wasn't sure I'd ever get to see. However, it is hard to become comfortable in your own skin that rapidly changes faster than the average pregnant woman. It takes some adjusting.

I know that it won't be long that the bump will stay "little" and "cute" as my co-workers and parents of students at my school are commenting. I know there is a time not that far away that I'm going to be so enormous that I'll feel like I belong in the circus. (I know this for sure because I've seen belly shots of other twin mothers to be on blogs. All I can say about that is wowza.)

Today one of my co-workers commented that I was really big for only being as far along as I am. (Two thoughts went through my head: 1. Duh- TWINS, remember? and 2. Well that's the first in a long string of similar comments soon to come.) Then she went on to say, "Well, this too shall pass, huh?" Like it is a bad thing. That bothered me. I immediately felt the need to express how thrilled I am to actually LOOK pregnant. How novel this still is for me and how I love being able for people to see that I am pregnant with no question about it. How awesome it is to not have to put any thought into sucking in my stomach right now, like girls spend most of their life doing.

Basically I am a mix of feeling about it: uncomfortable in my own skin sometimes, defensive about it, happy and excited to see what I've got right now, but worried about what's to come.

Watching the calendar

So here it is, one week down until the first u/s- and I'm still dutifully taking my PIO shots. Heck, I even refilled the prescription for more PIO without tears (I hate insurance companies, but that is another post). It has been a boring week- no 4 hour drives to the RE to fill my time, summer is winding down and I always get a little bored of not working by the time August rolls around, and my energy level has been at zero most of the week, hence the minimal posting.

My PG symptoms (do you still call it that when you know you are PG?) have been rampant. I have had just about everything any book or internet site lists as a possible sign. Yay for that! I AM still PG! Irrationally, I still POASed this week just to make sure, yup- at 20dp5dt. That line was so dark there was hardly enough ink left for the test line. For record keeping here's the list:

• My bbs are sore and are getting bigger as I type.
• My emotions are even more off kilter than they were on meds alone (For example: We watched Grand Torino and I sobbed- and this was in the middle of the movie when Walt goes over to his neighbor's house; I sobbed uncontrollably at the end too and couldn't stop. That fun wedding processional YouTube video- I cried while watching that as well.)
• I am so tired most of the time. One day this week, I woke up at 9 am, then took a nap from 11 am until 1 pm.
• I have "PG brain." I put something in the freezer that belongs in the cupboard. I went garage saling and went to the same place, twice- only realizing it after I got out of my car.
• Brushing my teeth is torture. I cannot stand the foam in my throat with gagging for minutes.
• So far I've had cravings for frosted cupcakes, cheese curds, brownies, KFC mashed potatoes, etc. And I have aversions to certain foods that I used to be ok with.
• I sneeze. A lot.
• Discharge- 'nough said. But no spotting!
• Headaches.
• And at the end of this week- a queasy stomach that I am sure will progress to vomiting by Monday.
• Other things I mentioned before: nighttime bathroom trips, twinges in my lower abdomen, my super sense of smell, runny nose, bloating etc. have continued off and on.

In other news, my step sister in-law recently went through IVF too. I'm not sure if I mentioned that before on here. She was about 2 weeks ahead of us. She also lives on the other side of the country. Her IVF resulted in a positive test, however, her first u/s did not show good news. I am heartbroken for her, like I continue to be for all those wonderful women whose IVFs around our time frame took a different path than ours. I know the pain of being without a baby too well. It breaks my heart that our PG and baby(ies) will continue to be a reminder to her long after she has begun to heal from the devastating loss. It also brings the reminder again, no matter how hard I try to push it away, that our u/s could end the same. I am so scared to death of that.

Answered Prayers and the Magic Number

It took me a few days to post this, and I still don't have quite the right words to say. How do you put into words when everything you've ever hoped for until your heart ached to its very limit happens on the very last chance you have? How do you put into words how amazing it feels to have all those holes in your heart start to mend by the sight of one pink little line? How do you say how incredibly grateful you are that God really WAS listening, even though you did have faith that the right thing for you would happen in the end? How can you express how wonderful it feels to be able to have a biological child with the man you truly feel is the most caring, considerate, loving, and selfless man on the planet- when you thought that was beyond your reach? Everything I think of just doesn't cut it. I still don't know.

I promise that will be the most sappy part of this post. I still don't quite know how to get across how I've felt since seeing those two lines. Although my rear hurts from the progesterone shots- I've felt like dancing a happy dance since Saturday morning. You can't wipe this smile off of my face- and darn it, I'll go so far as to say I think I'm glowing (maybe more from the news than the PG, but I think the happiness is radiating from me).

Saturday morning I woke up really early dreaming about testing and with a full bladder. I decided that was the sign I needed that now was the right time to bite the bullet and POAS. So I did. To my surprise, I didn't cry- I was in shock and so happy I kept putting my hands over my mouth to keep from shrieking. Then I went in to our bedroom and woke up Jake with the pee stick. My first words were, "Jake- you're going to be a daddy." I showed him, and we kissed, cuddled, and talked. He went back to sleep after awhile, but I was so amped up I couldn't. I just keep walking into the bathroom to look at the HPT over and over again. I tested again Sunday. The line was darker and the digital made it so much better to be able to see the word in print.

This morning before the big b/w appointment I took another test, just to help ease the anxiety. the line was just a little bit darker. Irrational as it was, I was still scared and anxious to get the call and hear the numbers. I was worried it was all a dream/in my head/a fluke/5 bad tests in a row. Plus, I knew the first beta could help give a clue about whether multiples was a possibility. So the big beta number is: 204 at 10dp5dt. It is on the high end for a singleton according to betamed.com but entirely possible for twins according to betabase.info. Personally I'm thinking one and I'm thinking girl. Interestingly, Jake thinks the same. We'll have to see if we are completely off later.

I refuse to be cautious about this and logical right now. I know the chances of a m/c are there. But what will be will be- and we've waited over three long years for this. I have always been a plan B/realist kind of girl, and although I'm sure those thoughts will creep into my head (yes, I admit they already have) for now I'm am going to allow myself the pure happiness that being PG should be. I'm going to work really hard to indulge those planning ahead kind of thoughts and buy whatever I feel like buying at this point in the game. My thought is, this may be the only time in my life that I get to do this. I've been waiting for this. A friend of mine that is PG through IUI told me a nurse said to her that just because she had gone through infertility doesn't mean she won't have a perfectly healthy and wonderful pregnancy. I'm really trying to keep that in the forefront of my mind. That being said, the next beta is Wednesday- and we can still use your prayers and positive thoughts!

Better Today

I am better today. Thanks for all your nice reassuring comments.

It seems like I am always at my worst on weekend days (or Thursday night, which is usually triggered by sad oh sad Gre.y's Anat.omy or hitting too close to home in Pri.vate Pra.ctice and being worn out from four days of school in a row). This is probably because I have more time to think, wallow, and let my thoughts spiral out of control on a weekend. Thankfully(sometimes), my job as a teacher keeps me too busy to think about much else during the school week. Unfortunately, this is yet another thing I can add to the list of things that scare me about our IVF plan- which will be when I am NOT in school and NOT occupied with a more-than-40-hour-a-week job. Lots of idle time will NOT be my friend in June.

In other news... Jake and I made the decision to let my mother-in-law tell my stepsister-in-law about our IVF. She is 42 (I think?) and just went through a cancelled IVF due to her donor backing out at the last minute. That's all I know, because she lives in Florida and in the 10 years Jake and I have been together I think I've seen her maybe 5 times (and we're not supposed to know about her IVF anyway). Judging by how alone I often feel IRL, I can only guess that she often feels the same. So I hope that by telling her, it helps, if even just a little.

Plus, I stopped being so guarded about our IF a while ago. It is soooo tiring trying to keep it hidden so I gave up on that. Now I'm not vocally spreading my personal business to every ear that passes by but I'm not trying to pretend everything's ok and if someone asks, I tell the truth. It just takes less energy. And darn it- TTC for three years futilely has worn me out. I don't have the energy to be all secretive anymore. Overall, that's probably for the best, anyway.