I am better today. Thanks for all your nice reassuring comments.
It seems like I am always at my worst on weekend days (or Thursday night, which is usually triggered by sad oh sad Gre.y's Anat.omy or hitting too close to home in Pri.vate Pra.ctice and being worn out from four days of school in a row). This is probably because I have more time to think, wallow, and let my thoughts spiral out of control on a weekend. Thankfully(sometimes), my job as a teacher keeps me too busy to think about much else during the school week. Unfortunately, this is yet another thing I can add to the list of things that scare me about our IVF plan- which will be when I am NOT in school and NOT occupied with a more-than-40-hour-a-week job. Lots of idle time will NOT be my friend in June.
In other news... Jake and I made the decision to let my mother-in-law tell my stepsister-in-law about our IVF. She is 42 (I think?) and just went through a cancelled IVF due to her donor backing out at the last minute. That's all I know, because she lives in Florida and in the 10 years Jake and I have been together I think I've seen her maybe 5 times (and we're not supposed to know about her IVF anyway). Judging by how alone I often feel IRL, I can only guess that she often feels the same. So I hope that by telling her, it helps, if even just a little.
Plus, I stopped being so guarded about our IF a while ago. It is soooo tiring trying to keep it hidden so I gave up on that. Now I'm not vocally spreading my personal business to every ear that passes by but I'm not trying to pretend everything's ok and if someone asks, I tell the truth. It just takes less energy. And darn it- TTC for three years futilely has worn me out. I don't have the energy to be all secretive anymore. Overall, that's probably for the best, anyway.
3 comments:
Totally agree about just being open about IF being far less exhausting. I know we've discussed that on our BBC board before. It just feels like a weight is lifted when you can finally be real with people and tell them WHY you're having a bad day.
I never did hear the follow up about your step-SIL...is she going through with another IVF cycle? I still feel horrible for her. I can't imagine how devastating that cancelled cycle must've been.
I'm glad today is a better day for you.
I agree. It's definitely easier to be open about IVF and you lose that sense of isolation, which is healthier. I wish our clinic had offered support groups or something because I totally would've gone!! But I still don't like talking about it AND definitely no discussions with my crazy mother-in-law. She always says the most outlandish things you can possibly think of!
Hi Katie, I am so glad to hear that you are feeling better today. I know you know this already, but I am definitely a cheerleader for "letting it all hang out". I think it is much less stressful. And through my openness, I have found a couple of other people IRL who are suffering from IF and I don't feel so alone.
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