This twin thing has been hard. You can't fathom how difficult it is until you've lived it. My husband and I have really struggled in our attempts to parent our babies during the first two months of their life. I know every family goes through "survival mode," but sometimes I think we're so beyond survival mode that we're in the trenches, fighting to keep our sanity and to keep going.
Any new parent at least sometimes doubts that they are doing a good job or that they can do this (right?)... we doubt it daily (sometimes hourly on a bad day). I've shed a lot of tears, my husband has shed a lot of tears. I will even admit there have been two days where I called my husband at work in tears and asked him to come home early.
We considered hiring a part-time nanny to help me during the day when I'm home alone, because the two babies were/are often too much for one person to handle. I love my babies. This should go without saying. But they are colicky. They have reflux. They are not "easy" babies. My self-esteem took a hit when we thought about getting a nanny to help me out. I thought, "why does it seem like other moms to twins (of the blogs I read) can do it, when I can't?" When I shared this thought with my husband, he explained that my posts on here don't really let on how hard it is(except for the reflux), and that maybe other twin-momma bloggers feel the same way, but just don't share it , like I hadn't.
So I thought about why I hadn't really shared these thoughts on here, and I realized something. Because of the process that we took to get our babies, and because of the population most of the readers of this blog belong to (the IF community), it just doesn't feel right to "complain" about how hard it is. It doesn't feel like I should be anything less than blissful that we got our two miracles via IVF. Because we weren't supposed to be able to have children, and then we were blessed with two (!). Maybe other twin-momma bloggers feel a similar way? I never wanted this blog to turn into a "infertility-was-ridiculously-hard-now-twins-is-ridiculously-hard-too kind of blog. But I do want this to be a honest blog. I don't want to paint a picture of anything that is different than reality.
So yes, infertility was the hardest thing I've ever gone through in my life. Being a first-time parent to twin newborns is also one of the hardest things I've ever gone through too. Completely and utterly worth it, but hard all the same.
12 comments:
Why shouldn't you be honest about how hard it is? I bet it will help other twin mommas and twin mommas-to-be. I don't know how you do it - one is hard enough.
Honesty is definitely the best!! I know what you mean though...I've felt that way too at times...even while pregnant and complaining about pregnancy symptoms...like I don't want to sound ungrateful, but being pregnant with twins was really tough too!!
Even as a momma of twins I dont' even think I can fathom what you've been going through with all the colic and reflux!!! When I get a screaming baby through two feedings I'm ripping my hair out...what you've been through had to have been really really tough!!
Please share away!!! Gotta run...6 week ob appointment in 15 minutes and I still have to shower...whoops!!! :o)
I came across your blog and this post spoke to me. I too had trouble conceiving. We were blessed that we did not have to do IVF, so I cannot imagine the heartbreak and stress of going through that process. There was a sort of guilt, for me, associated with getting pregnant. I felt so happy, but so sad for my friends who had experienced such harder times than me.
Pregnancy was very hard for me. Very. And I felt immense guilt talking about it on my blog because I knew my friends would give ANYTHING to experience a baby in their belly. And I too felt the way you do in this post. BUT, at the same time...it is your reality and your life. It's okay to say that you're blessed and wouldn't change anything for the world, but that you are also overwhelmed and stressed. And people who aren't in a place to read that, will just skip that post. And some people, especially mamas of twins, will say, "thank you for being honest! I thought I was the only one who felt that way!"
Good for you, Katie. I can't even imagine how difficult it is having 2 newborns period...and then add the colic and reflux on top of that and yikes!!! That doesn't mean you aren't crazy about them & you don't love them to pieces. We know you do. But it's hard & you're allowed to admit that.
I think every IFer who now has a baby(ies) worries that they won't seem grateful if they complain or have a bad day. I've worried about that from time to time. During my pregnancy, there were some particularly rough weeks and I was always so afraid to talk about it because I felt like others were thinking, "Well, at least you're pregnant!"
Infertility sucks, yes. But just because we're finally parents now doesn't mean it's going to be all rainbows and sunshine. This is real life, after all.
Hang in there & get a nanny if you need to! You're a fabulous mom.
Hello my name is Amanda I am a mom to b/g twins. Mine were also from IVF. Mine will be 5 years old in October. I would love to chat with you. Mine too had reflux, yes it was hard but you can do it. I feel like it is harder now then when they were little. It is okay to be honest. If you need help then get it. I always tried being super mommy and never wanted anyone to help me and I paid for that. Do not doubt yourself. It sounds like your husband is amazing and willing to help you how ever he can. If you would like to talk, cry, scream. Please email me. sheridantwins2005@hotmail.com
Oh Katie, I get you completely. It's hard to "complain" when others are struggling with IF. Really, it's not complaining. It's a reality that all moms face, be it with single, twins. Or more. I was just telling Josh that anyone who complains about one baby needs to care for twins for a bit. And then I started feeling bad for moms of triplets!
Yes, it's hard work. I've learned that my own sleep, food, and even hygeine has to take a back seat when one or both of my babies need me. But I am learning to adapt and so will you! You are doing a great job, Sam and Anna are so lucky to have a loving mother and father.
And I'm anxiously waiting for the day my children will be able to hold their own bottle!
I had the same thoughts when LB came along... Adjusting to parenthood is a hard adjustment (for most & I'm convinced that those who paint the picture that everything is just peachy keen now that baby is here aren't living in reality). It was a hard adjustment for me and LB is just ONE baby and she is an "easy" baby. After infertility I think it is so easy for us to imagine a perfect life once baby(ies) are here and it brings a measure of shock when sleepless nights, colick and all the wonderful other things that come along with parenting & newborns come along. :) I have tried to be realistic on my blog about how life is with a baby because this past year has been harder than I ever imagined it would be! It is okay to be honest. I, for one, would never even think for a min. that you are ungrateful for your IVF miracles! And, I'm sure you've been told this a million times already...the older they get, the better it will get. It won't ever be "easy" but there is such a difference between a 2 month old & 9 month old. Survival mode won't last forever!
You've got it rough, girl. I know what you mean about feeling guilty complaining. When we were going through IF we despised pregnant people or parents who complained because "they didn't know how lucky they were." It makes us feel awful if we complain about any part of what we wanted so badly. But just because there's something to complain about doesn't mean we (YOU) don't fully appreciate the gift we've (YOU'VE) been given. The restof us IF moms get that. And if someone doesn't.. they can suck it;) lol
Man I wish I could give you a big squishy hug right now. I'm sorry things are so difficult. I can understand not wanting to complain about your two wonderful babies to those of us still fighting the fight. But honey, your frustrations are COMPLETELY valid.
And this is supposed to be a place you can come to, to vent and find support... How can you get support if you don't tell us what's going on?
K, I love you and I'm thrilled your finally a mama. And I want nothing more than to continue supporting everything you're going through because you're my friend.
Chin up. YOU CAN DO THIS. And we'll be here for you whenever it gets tough, or feels impossible.
I have often felt the same way when I read other twin blogs and those moms made it seem to easy. They were always having fun! And the babies were always cute, and never had spit-up in their hair or on their clothes and the parents looked so d*mn well-rested. And then one day, when my boys were finally a year old I spent some time looking back at my own blog and realized I had done the same thing-most entries were happy, and when I did complain, what I wrote was a mere fraction of the exhaustion, frustration, self-doubt and general sense of feeling overwhelmed that I felt almost around the clock during that first year.
I initially felt like I wasn't being honest about our experience, but when I thought about the reason I blog-which to me is more of a family album/journal [cause like 5 family members read it] I was probably subconsciously trying to remember the good, so that one day I would look back and think, "awww, our babies were so cute", instead of "awww damn. here is when g-baby cried from 3AM-7AM for no apparent reason for three weeks in a row" or "here is the day those reflux meds did NOT work". So, as another twin mom, I want you to know that yes, it's really, really hard. And we all love our twins/singletons/triplets (the horror!), but you should always feel free to vent or complain because no matter what happy picture our blogs paint, we understand and can relate.
Just know that you are doing a great job! Those babies are lucky to have such a thoughtful momma.
Oh sweetie, I have one "easy" baby and I still ended up in tears those first few weeks!! Don't be so hard on yourself!! You do what needs to be done; if that includes a nanny than go for it!!!
First...thank you for making me feel completely normal. Parenting twins has been so much harder than I ever imagined. I honestly don't know how I could do it if I didn't have pretty constant help from my mom, sister, and other family members and friends. Go for the part-time nanny...I think it will make you feel better in the long-run.
I think you are doing a great job...keep up the great work!
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