In a Weird Place

It has been more than 48 hours since we found out there were two heartbeats. Have I adjusted to that news yet? Absolutely not. I find myself altering every part of what I had imagined the next 8 months and beyond to be like to fit a vision of two babies. The reality of it is that it is very very amazing, but very scary too. I am worried about so many things. Top of the list: Will both babies make it? I find myself prefacing every statement I say to Jake with, "If we take home two babies then..." It still seems like such a precarious situation. I am worried about all the additional risks we are now facing. I am worried about providing for two little ones. I am worried about being on bed rest and needing to take some unpaid leave time- which financially we just cannot do with the strain we are already under post-IVF. I am worried that the beginning of school is going to kick my butt so hard I won't be able to get through the day. I am worried that this twins thing is all a dream and somebody is going to wake me up at any moment and say, "Ha ha- nope you are still infertile and most definitely NOT pregnant."

I'm in a weird place because this growing two living things stuff is really kicking my butt right now. My day pretty much consists of sleep, pee, eat, pee then repeat: sleep, pee, eat, pee, sleep, pee, eat, pee..." I haven't vomited since last weekend, and the thing that best seems to keep my nausea at bay is eating a little bit, all the time. Plus 90% of the day I am ravenous- like think of a time when you were so hungry you literally felt like you were starving, and I'm there about every two hours. I read online that with twins you should be eating an extra 600 calories a day. It seems like I am downing more than that, but I figure unless a professional tells me otherwise, I should and will eat when I'm hungry (mostly healthy stuff, of course). I'm basically thrilled that it isn't all just coming right back up. The sleepiness thing has been harder to me to resolve, because between all the peeing and hunger, AND the constant stream of, "holy moly, TWINS. This means...," running through my brain it is hard to settle down enough to actually sleep. It is all a weird place to be in, because I never let myself think about what this would be like and yet I tried so hard to get here.

My body is most definitely changing too- I regretfully bought a bra one size up today. Being normally a DD, I wonder what alphabet letter I'll end up at in the end. Bra shopping when the girls are tender is not really a fun activity too. All these things I'm feeling physically make me wonder if they would be the same if I was carrying one, or if being pregnant with twins packs a bigger punch this early on.

I also bought my first maternity clothing- two shirts that were on clearance for $12 and $14. (Those suckers are expensive full price, so yay me!) I still feel like an impostor when buying stuff related to being pregnant or babies. I wonder when that's going to change? And when is this going to start feeling real?

Watching the calendar

So here it is, one week down until the first u/s- and I'm still dutifully taking my PIO shots. Heck, I even refilled the prescription for more PIO without tears (I hate insurance companies, but that is another post). It has been a boring week- no 4 hour drives to the RE to fill my time, summer is winding down and I always get a little bored of not working by the time August rolls around, and my energy level has been at zero most of the week, hence the minimal posting.

My PG symptoms (do you still call it that when you know you are PG?) have been rampant. I have had just about everything any book or internet site lists as a possible sign. Yay for that! I AM still PG! Irrationally, I still POASed this week just to make sure, yup- at 20dp5dt. That line was so dark there was hardly enough ink left for the test line. For record keeping here's the list:

• My bbs are sore and are getting bigger as I type.
• My emotions are even more off kilter than they were on meds alone (For example: We watched Grand Torino and I sobbed- and this was in the middle of the movie when Walt goes over to his neighbor's house; I sobbed uncontrollably at the end too and couldn't stop. That fun wedding processional YouTube video- I cried while watching that as well.)
• I am so tired most of the time. One day this week, I woke up at 9 am, then took a nap from 11 am until 1 pm.
• I have "PG brain." I put something in the freezer that belongs in the cupboard. I went garage saling and went to the same place, twice- only realizing it after I got out of my car.
• Brushing my teeth is torture. I cannot stand the foam in my throat with gagging for minutes.
• So far I've had cravings for frosted cupcakes, cheese curds, brownies, KFC mashed potatoes, etc. And I have aversions to certain foods that I used to be ok with.
• I sneeze. A lot.
• Discharge- 'nough said. But no spotting!
• Headaches.
• And at the end of this week- a queasy stomach that I am sure will progress to vomiting by Monday.
• Other things I mentioned before: nighttime bathroom trips, twinges in my lower abdomen, my super sense of smell, runny nose, bloating etc. have continued off and on.

In other news, my step sister in-law recently went through IVF too. I'm not sure if I mentioned that before on here. She was about 2 weeks ahead of us. She also lives on the other side of the country. Her IVF resulted in a positive test, however, her first u/s did not show good news. I am heartbroken for her, like I continue to be for all those wonderful women whose IVFs around our time frame took a different path than ours. I know the pain of being without a baby too well. It breaks my heart that our PG and baby(ies) will continue to be a reminder to her long after she has begun to heal from the devastating loss. It also brings the reminder again, no matter how hard I try to push it away, that our u/s could end the same. I am so scared to death of that.