You are forewarned, this isn't a pretty post. But I needed to vent a little- if you don't like it, then don't read it (or comment).
I am SO sick of people not understanding that a twin/multiple pregnancy is different. (I know they won't unless they walk in my shoes, but I'm going to vent anyway)
I am sick of my mother trying to treat our pregnancy the same as my brother's (they just had #2 today) to try to be fair (but this is our first and there's two in there and we went through hell to get here and we won't have any more!) Fair doesn't always mean equal.
I am so sick of my co-workers thinking and talking behind my back that I'm making too big of a deal about taking it easy and being too cautious. I'm still teaching at 34 weeks and that's a pretty big feat, I think! I don't complain about how I can't stand longer than 15 minutes without shooting pain in my hips, or how I can't sleep, or how swollen my feet are, or any other daily pain I endure while working. I am sick of them thinking that I should be as mobile as a singleton pregnancy at 34 weeks, even though I've been measuring over 40 weeks since the end of December. I want to tell them: "You try being full term for two months and see how that feels while having twice the hormones and twice the energy sap going into creating two living things!" I am so sick of the jealousy some of them have because a few other people I work with are treating this as a little more special than a typical pregnancy. I know even if I stopped working today without going into labor, there would be lots of comments made about that too.
Urgh! I am just so OVER it.
Thanks for letting me vent. :)
Showing posts with label venting. Show all posts
Showing posts with label venting. Show all posts
Monday, February 15, 2010
Monday, February 1, 2010
Drama, Drama, Drama
*sigh* Working with 99% women always leads to major drama. I have been pretty good at avoiding a lot of it lately, because the walk down to the staff lounge is really too far for me to trudge in my current state. Since I've been eating in my room most of the time, I miss a lot of the drama. Today, I created some drama... but I had no choice.
One of the interviewees for my long term sub position was the daughter of the kindergarten teacher across the hall from me. She just finished student teaching in kindergarten and just graduated in December. Since this fall, she had been giving me (through her mom) her resume, reference letters as she got more, etc.... and I thought she'd probably be my long term sub. From what I know she will be an excellent teacher and is really a natural.
However, one of the other interviewees from this morning recently relocated from a different state... and has 8 years of recent teaching experience in kindergarten. She interviewed really well and after calling her reference (her past principal who had only glowing things to say) there was really no way to justify choosing a recent grad with no experience over her. Since I am going to be gone for 12 weeks and possibly more, this is a pretty long subbing assignment. I don't have an easy class. My principal made it clear who she thought should be selected... which kind of left me with no choice.
What a hard position to be in. So now I'm faced with some major inner school politics. I'm guessing I'll be bearing the brunt of this for a while to come... possibly even into next school year after I return and beyond. I'm pretty sure the degree of helpfulness the teacher across the hall's been giving me will drastically decrease as of now as well.
*sigh* You'd think by now I would have learned that the right choice isn't always in my best interests personally. Somehow I always seem to get myself in these predicaments where by doing the right thing I pay for it later.
One of the interviewees for my long term sub position was the daughter of the kindergarten teacher across the hall from me. She just finished student teaching in kindergarten and just graduated in December. Since this fall, she had been giving me (through her mom) her resume, reference letters as she got more, etc.... and I thought she'd probably be my long term sub. From what I know she will be an excellent teacher and is really a natural.
However, one of the other interviewees from this morning recently relocated from a different state... and has 8 years of recent teaching experience in kindergarten. She interviewed really well and after calling her reference (her past principal who had only glowing things to say) there was really no way to justify choosing a recent grad with no experience over her. Since I am going to be gone for 12 weeks and possibly more, this is a pretty long subbing assignment. I don't have an easy class. My principal made it clear who she thought should be selected... which kind of left me with no choice.
What a hard position to be in. So now I'm faced with some major inner school politics. I'm guessing I'll be bearing the brunt of this for a while to come... possibly even into next school year after I return and beyond. I'm pretty sure the degree of helpfulness the teacher across the hall's been giving me will drastically decrease as of now as well.
Side note though- after offering the experienced teacher the position, my principal found out that she also has twins that are first graders, so she totally understands the tentativeness of the time frame for the long term sub position.
*sigh* You'd think by now I would have learned that the right choice isn't always in my best interests personally. Somehow I always seem to get myself in these predicaments where by doing the right thing I pay for it later.
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
I'm shopping for a new family
Just to review, my brother and SIL are PG and due 5 weeks before us. They waited a week after hearing our news to share theirs- I found this out 3 days ago. Yesterday I got this astounding email from my brother.
EXHIBIT A (my brother's email)
I don't get it. It shouldn't have been hell for you. All that loving and practicing should have been fun ;) Oh well. Guess I don't need to understand. Seems to me that you and Jake consciously made a decision to go through the process so I guess the needling this summer is a consequence of the decision. Susan and I didn't consider anything medically at all. For one, we didn't think the expense was worth it for a second child and for two, all the stories I've heard seem to point towards less stress and an easier going nature about it can be very effective. I can't tell you all the stories of people that I know that were just about ready to adopt and/or had adopted, when the 'ol baby making equipment started working. I was amazed as I started talking with more people about it. Having difficulty conceiving was a whole lot more common than I ever thought.
You shouldn't get worked up about mom telling us. We are all family. It's just the way it is and she was excited for you and wanted to tell us. Also, and I remember this distinctly, when she told us, she said that you asked her not to tell a whole lot of people so she thought it was ok if we knew. She was only doing what you had asked her to do. It's not fair for her if you change your story to make her feel bad. Imagine the position she's in and empathize a little. I think it'll go a long way.
I don't think I agree with you about the stakes being huge. Sounds to me like you're putting way to much pressure on yourself. Perception through email can be deceiving though. I can only imagine how Jake must feel. I'd be worried that he starts feeling like he can't do anything right. If there's anything that I know based on our experiences and all the others that I've talked with, you never know what the future might hold. If you want my advice, ease up and relax. Try to make it fun. Otherwise you'll risk ending up like Dad or grandma Dorothy:)
Good luck! We'll be thinking and hoping for both of you. Just remember, life goes on regardless of what happens so make the best of it.
I know you will be as incensed about that ignorant and hurtful email as I was. And now my reply email.
EXHIBIT B (my email reply)
I am almost speechless. I misunderstood your email thinking that if it took you a while you might understand a little bit. It stopped being between the two of us after a year and became between us and the doctors. 0% morphology means that NO SPERM CAN PENETRATE THE EGG. No amount of any "relaxing" or "loving" can change a medical diagnosis. There is no treatment for that- no "fixing it." Try telling a cancer patient that all they need to to is relax and not pursue treatment- and then the cancer will go away b/c "the good ol' equipment" will start working to cure you. Now, as far as making a decision to go through the process, I know that you are not a woman so you cannot understand the deep desire to mother a child, but imagine your life without Zach. Can you really tell me it would be a decision not to be a father to him? To me it is the same thing. Having difficulty trying to conceive is a lot more common than most people think. However, the percent of people that have no other child bearing option but to do IVF with ICSI (because of a medical diagnosis) is very, very small.
Oh, and many of the needles are to sustain the high risk pregnancy now. I need to continue this every day until 12 weeks. You try sticking a two inch needle in Susan's ass every night making her cry and unable to sleep because it hurts that bad and then see if you dismiss the needles as a "consequence." That's like saying if your child has a birth defect, it will be a "consequence" of the decision to be pregnant at 37. I would never, ever say that or think that because that is ridiculous and hurtful.
As far as mom- I told her in these exact words- "don't tell anybody." She then asked if she could tell Dad and I said yes. I don't understand how that is changing the story??? Your name and Susan's name were NEVER MENTIONED. I think I have a damn good memory and I doubt I am miss-remembering something that is this important to me. Mom has always had a way of altering information so I am not surprised that she told you otherwise. So she was NOT doing what I had asked her to do. I had trusted her not to tell anybody. She did not do that. She is the mother here and I am the daughter going through the most difficult time of my life and undergoing a very expensive, invasive medical procedure. I think she should be doing the empathizing- not to mention supporting.
Seriously the stakes not being huge? We have a 35% chance of miscarriage right now- and unlike you and most of the rest of the world's population, do not have the option to "try again." If this ends on Friday or any other day with a miscarriage, the three embryos (living babies) I carried died and I will not be able to have a child with the man I love. The stakes are huge and Jake feels exactly, 100% the same way. I know that you have not walked in my shoes so you cannot possibly comprehend this. I am just trying to help you "empathize" with us. I also do not have a job working for 3M- and I don't know your financial status, but teachers and writers make very little. We refinanced our house to pay for this. That much money will never be available again to do this very expensive, not covered by insurance, invasive, medical procedure.
And I promise you, that if you ever get a bring-you-to-your knees medical diagnosis (or someone in your family does) that changes everything you think your life would be I will never tell you to "ease up and relax. Try to make it fun." Your email was very hurtful to me. I hope my email helped you become less ignorant about infertility and our situation.
And I also sent him the link to Resolve's page that is just for family and friends.
EXHIBIT A (my brother's email)
I don't get it. It shouldn't have been hell for you. All that loving and practicing should have been fun ;) Oh well. Guess I don't need to understand. Seems to me that you and Jake consciously made a decision to go through the process so I guess the needling this summer is a consequence of the decision. Susan and I didn't consider anything medically at all. For one, we didn't think the expense was worth it for a second child and for two, all the stories I've heard seem to point towards less stress and an easier going nature about it can be very effective. I can't tell you all the stories of people that I know that were just about ready to adopt and/or had adopted, when the 'ol baby making equipment started working. I was amazed as I started talking with more people about it. Having difficulty conceiving was a whole lot more common than I ever thought.
You shouldn't get worked up about mom telling us. We are all family. It's just the way it is and she was excited for you and wanted to tell us. Also, and I remember this distinctly, when she told us, she said that you asked her not to tell a whole lot of people so she thought it was ok if we knew. She was only doing what you had asked her to do. It's not fair for her if you change your story to make her feel bad. Imagine the position she's in and empathize a little. I think it'll go a long way.
I don't think I agree with you about the stakes being huge. Sounds to me like you're putting way to much pressure on yourself. Perception through email can be deceiving though. I can only imagine how Jake must feel. I'd be worried that he starts feeling like he can't do anything right. If there's anything that I know based on our experiences and all the others that I've talked with, you never know what the future might hold. If you want my advice, ease up and relax. Try to make it fun. Otherwise you'll risk ending up like Dad or grandma Dorothy:)
Good luck! We'll be thinking and hoping for both of you. Just remember, life goes on regardless of what happens so make the best of it.
I know you will be as incensed about that ignorant and hurtful email as I was. And now my reply email.
EXHIBIT B (my email reply)
I am almost speechless. I misunderstood your email thinking that if it took you a while you might understand a little bit. It stopped being between the two of us after a year and became between us and the doctors. 0% morphology means that NO SPERM CAN PENETRATE THE EGG. No amount of any "relaxing" or "loving" can change a medical diagnosis. There is no treatment for that- no "fixing it." Try telling a cancer patient that all they need to to is relax and not pursue treatment- and then the cancer will go away b/c "the good ol' equipment" will start working to cure you. Now, as far as making a decision to go through the process, I know that you are not a woman so you cannot understand the deep desire to mother a child, but imagine your life without Zach. Can you really tell me it would be a decision not to be a father to him? To me it is the same thing. Having difficulty trying to conceive is a lot more common than most people think. However, the percent of people that have no other child bearing option but to do IVF with ICSI (because of a medical diagnosis) is very, very small.
Oh, and many of the needles are to sustain the high risk pregnancy now. I need to continue this every day until 12 weeks. You try sticking a two inch needle in Susan's ass every night making her cry and unable to sleep because it hurts that bad and then see if you dismiss the needles as a "consequence." That's like saying if your child has a birth defect, it will be a "consequence" of the decision to be pregnant at 37. I would never, ever say that or think that because that is ridiculous and hurtful.
As far as mom- I told her in these exact words- "don't tell anybody." She then asked if she could tell Dad and I said yes. I don't understand how that is changing the story??? Your name and Susan's name were NEVER MENTIONED. I think I have a damn good memory and I doubt I am miss-remembering something that is this important to me. Mom has always had a way of altering information so I am not surprised that she told you otherwise. So she was NOT doing what I had asked her to do. I had trusted her not to tell anybody. She did not do that. She is the mother here and I am the daughter going through the most difficult time of my life and undergoing a very expensive, invasive medical procedure. I think she should be doing the empathizing- not to mention supporting.
Seriously the stakes not being huge? We have a 35% chance of miscarriage right now- and unlike you and most of the rest of the world's population, do not have the option to "try again." If this ends on Friday or any other day with a miscarriage, the three embryos (living babies) I carried died and I will not be able to have a child with the man I love. The stakes are huge and Jake feels exactly, 100% the same way. I know that you have not walked in my shoes so you cannot possibly comprehend this. I am just trying to help you "empathize" with us. I also do not have a job working for 3M- and I don't know your financial status, but teachers and writers make very little. We refinanced our house to pay for this. That much money will never be available again to do this very expensive, not covered by insurance, invasive, medical procedure.
And I promise you, that if you ever get a bring-you-to-your knees medical diagnosis (or someone in your family does) that changes everything you think your life would be I will never tell you to "ease up and relax. Try to make it fun." Your email was very hurtful to me. I hope my email helped you become less ignorant about infertility and our situation.
And I also sent him the link to Resolve's page that is just for family and friends.
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Dude
To my RE: you call at 8:01 am on Monday morning to tell me the fertilization report, and that you will check on them on Wednesday and then call... and here it is after 4 pm and you haven't called yet??? I've been sitting on the couch for four days comparing my stomach to an elephant, a pig, a swimming pool, a tire, a balloon and a cow willing the hours to pass so the bloating pain can go away and for your call, and you don't call??? Seriously???
And yes, I've already checked my phone about 5 times to make sure it is working.
CALL ALREADY.
And yes, I've already checked my phone about 5 times to make sure it is working.
CALL ALREADY.
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Vent: if not here, where?
I got this email from a co-worker today (it was sent to everybody at my school).
Hello Everyone -
Some of us are planning on getting together every Tuesday during the summer from around 3:00-5:00 and let the kids play together. If you are a grandparent or parent and want to come and play this Tuesday at our house with your little kids - you are welcome too!! We will be outside!! Please bring your own drinks and we will have some snacks available!! We will also have a little pool and water things out, so bring a suit and towel too. It's just a time for the kids to have some fun and adults to socialize too!!
Hope to See you on Tuesdays!!
BJ
We live at * - turn on * by * and we are one block past the stop sign - we are the corner house on * - just come to the backyard - we will be there!!
If you want come for the entire time or just part of the time that is fine.
Those that come this Tuesday - we'll make a plan of Tuesdays and I will email them out to everyone - so if you can't come this Tuesday - maybe another Tuesday will work for you!!
Have a Fantastic Summer!!
BJ - our phone number is * if you have any questions!!
Notice the attempt at including everyone: grandparent and parent. Grrr. Thanks for excluding me.
Both the husband and wife are teachers at my school and had their two kids back to back- in other words, they are uber fertile and have no clue that other people are not. In the three years I've worked at this school, each of them have made it a pretty common thing to inadvertently make me feel crummy because I don't and can't have children. First it was the group picture of the 13 babies born my first year there (and during year 1 and 2 of our IF). This picture is now framed and hangs above the copy machine in our workroom so I get to stare at it while being reminded of the pain it caused and still causes me. Then it was the countless cute baby and mother forwards that clog my inbox. Add in the smattering of invites to small child swimming events and evening get-togethers (for those with children only, of course).
Do I email something gently so they can get a clue? Do I let it slide and brace for the next exclusion offense? Or maybe I should borrow my neighbor's kid, show up and see what they say. Should I bring my dogs and explain that they are my children since I can't have the non-furry kind? What would you do?
As I sit here after my nightly Lupron shot feeling the sting and feeling kind of crummy in my lower abdomen- this email is making me extra grumpy. Life isn't fair- and that stinks. And here I thought I was done complaining about work for a few months.
Hello Everyone -
Some of us are planning on getting together every Tuesday during the summer from around 3:00-5:00 and let the kids play together. If you are a grandparent or parent and want to come and play this Tuesday at our house with your little kids - you are welcome too!! We will be outside!! Please bring your own drinks and we will have some snacks available!! We will also have a little pool and water things out, so bring a suit and towel too. It's just a time for the kids to have some fun and adults to socialize too!!
Hope to See you on Tuesdays!!
BJ
We live at * - turn on * by * and we are one block past the stop sign - we are the corner house on * - just come to the backyard - we will be there!!
If you want come for the entire time or just part of the time that is fine.
Those that come this Tuesday - we'll make a plan of Tuesdays and I will email them out to everyone - so if you can't come this Tuesday - maybe another Tuesday will work for you!!
Have a Fantastic Summer!!
BJ - our phone number is * if you have any questions!!
Notice the attempt at including everyone: grandparent and parent. Grrr. Thanks for excluding me.
Both the husband and wife are teachers at my school and had their two kids back to back- in other words, they are uber fertile and have no clue that other people are not. In the three years I've worked at this school, each of them have made it a pretty common thing to inadvertently make me feel crummy because I don't and can't have children. First it was the group picture of the 13 babies born my first year there (and during year 1 and 2 of our IF). This picture is now framed and hangs above the copy machine in our workroom so I get to stare at it while being reminded of the pain it caused and still causes me. Then it was the countless cute baby and mother forwards that clog my inbox. Add in the smattering of invites to small child swimming events and evening get-togethers (for those with children only, of course).
Do I email something gently so they can get a clue? Do I let it slide and brace for the next exclusion offense? Or maybe I should borrow my neighbor's kid, show up and see what they say. Should I bring my dogs and explain that they are my children since I can't have the non-furry kind? What would you do?
As I sit here after my nightly Lupron shot feeling the sting and feeling kind of crummy in my lower abdomen- this email is making me extra grumpy. Life isn't fair- and that stinks. And here I thought I was done complaining about work for a few months.
Monday, April 27, 2009
Slap Me On the Wrist
So yesterday I vented about my dear husband and how he was driving me nuts. I felt really badly later, because he truly is a fantastic husband (the best ever... most of the time) but he is a normal guy after all. So this morning after I got up, I deleted it. The post had served its purpose- I let off a little steam instead of venting at him.
Today I talked with my mother and she made me want to start a new venting post. But I'm holding back, lest I'm on here tomorrow morning before 6 am hitting the delete post button again.
The thing is, I am aware that this is one way that IF has irrevocably changed me. I don't brush things as easily off of my back and I have a lot of icky feelings bottled up most of the time. So when you cross me, it makes me mad. I don't take negative things as well because all my energy to deal with negative things is tied up in our failure to conceive for the past three years.
I know that lots of good things will ultimately come out of our IF struggles. And hopefully one day I will be able to look back at this and be able to say, "I wouldn't change a thing" because of where it got me. I hope fervently that this is the case. I know I am one thousand times stronger than I was three years ago. But there are also good things along with the bad and although I was never a sunny optimist- I am carrying around a lot of pain 24 hours a day. Some of that has to come out a little some of the time.
So to the world (and Jake and my mom): I am sorry that you have to bear the brunt of my frustration sometimes.
Today I talked with my mother and she made me want to start a new venting post. But I'm holding back, lest I'm on here tomorrow morning before 6 am hitting the delete post button again.
The thing is, I am aware that this is one way that IF has irrevocably changed me. I don't brush things as easily off of my back and I have a lot of icky feelings bottled up most of the time. So when you cross me, it makes me mad. I don't take negative things as well because all my energy to deal with negative things is tied up in our failure to conceive for the past three years.
I know that lots of good things will ultimately come out of our IF struggles. And hopefully one day I will be able to look back at this and be able to say, "I wouldn't change a thing" because of where it got me. I hope fervently that this is the case. I know I am one thousand times stronger than I was three years ago. But there are also good things along with the bad and although I was never a sunny optimist- I am carrying around a lot of pain 24 hours a day. Some of that has to come out a little some of the time.
So to the world (and Jake and my mom): I am sorry that you have to bear the brunt of my frustration sometimes.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)