Less Than 24 Hours To Go

I've been in survival mode this week- not a lot of time for non-essentials like blogging, and commenting, and even a good amount of sleep. My husband has been gone on a work hunting trip since Saturday morning. This has been his longest time gone yet since the babes were born. Thank goodness that this should be it until January. I'm beat.

More so than ever before, there are just not enough hours in the day. I'm a full-time working mom to 8 month old twins and this week that meant I was a full-time working single mom to 8 month old twins. I get up at 5 am on weekdays to get myself ready, and this week rushed to get them ready (dad usually does most of it since I have to be out the door by 7 am), rushed to school, rushed through the day to get as much as possible done there (it's one of our busy times at school- assessments for report cards, completing report cards, and getting ready for conferences which start on Monday) then rushed to pick them up, rushed to feed them, get them ready for bed and daycare the next day, then rushed to wash bottles and syringes for their medicine, rushed to make new bottles and mix new medicine and finally rushed to get ready for bed myself, hoping I *might* get over 5 hours before starting it all over again. Add in rushed to take them to swimming on Wednesday night and home again with the help of a friend as well.

Would you like to know the magic number of days it took before I cracked and broke down in tears from being overwhelmed? That magic number is 4. Four days in with wake ups and bedtimes and overnights and bottles by myself for 24 hours and I was done for. I think knowing that my plate being so overfull that I felt like I wasn't doing anything well because I had to do so much did me in. I wasn't spending quality time with Sam and Anna because I had to get them ready for the next day (get clothes out, feed them fast, baths, bottles, bed) during the time I spent with them. I wasn't being successful enough for my job because I didn't have enough time to get lessons ready for the next day, get report cards done on time, or make my room look beautiful for conferences. I was cranky with my students because I was so overtired and I couldn't cope with the student issues that came up during the week. I wasn't giving myself the attention I needed- I ate dinner at 10:30 pm one night, just happy that I got to eat, I was going to bed after 11 pm because of everything I needed to do, even though I was getting fragmented sleep from the babies and had to get up at 5 am myself. The luxury to have enough time to even do something as simple as shave my legs- forgetaboutit.

So going back to what I discovered early on with my breastfeeding saga: a happy mom=happy babies, I decided that I needed to take a day off of work- conference prep be damned. I brought them to daycare for part of the day anyway (with a wee big of mommy-guilt) and ran errands. Went grocery shopping. Did laundry. Took care of the pile of dishes. Took a nap that wasn't going to be interrupted by awake babies. Then I emerged with a better grip on my sanity, more able to tackle life solo-parenting twin babies while teaching full-time.

The knowledge that tonight would be my last solo bedtime helped a little bit too.

(Did I mention that I tackled Daylight Saving Time by myself on top of it? Thank goodness Sam and Anna transitioned fairly easily. Know how we did it? I let them sleep in Saturday morning- which they happened to do for about an hour. So I just changed our clocks a day early and went about our day an hour behind. That continued on Sunday because they went to bed an hour "later" than usual the night before, and that was that. Time change, no problem!)

Sam has something to share:

My mom got this shirt for us. I definitely felt like Supermom as I tackled this week!

Should Do vs. Want to Do?

When blogging becomes another thing added to the long list of things you should do instead of something you want to carve out time for, is that when it is time to close the chapter on bloggyland? This is where I feel like I've been lately.

I won't deny that my long list of should-dos is bogging me down. It is hard to be a full-time momma to twins - twins that aren't "easy" babies to boot (but boy, they sure do make up for that in adorableness). It is hard to be a full-time kindergarten teacher. That combo of momma to twin 7 month olds plus full-time kindergarten teacher is almost more than I can handle. Have I mentioned that this year's class is no picnic and that it's my evaluation year? (gulp- professional development plans don't write or implement themselves, unfortunately)

Oh, and did I mention that my husband was out of town all week for work last week?

Yeah, I survived that; but barely. Mental breakdown was kept at bay with a 24 hour early return of the hubs.

Did I mention that he asked my MIL to help and stay with me all week (and that said help was often times more stressful and caused more work instead?)

I should probably write a detailed post about how that went, but I'd rather just breathe a big sigh of relief and move on. I'd rather not relive how I was so tired on the school forest field trip on Tuesday that I almost laid down on the ground in the middle of the woods (woodticks be damned) and that I audibly told myself under my breath that I had to "dig deep- dig deep" on my less than 4 hours of disjointed sleep. I wish I didn't shed a few tears on my way to my classroom on Friday morning out of pure sleep deprivation because I would have killed to crawl back into my bed instead; so please don't ask about that. I'd rather not recall how the "helpful" MIL could not get any child back to sleep at night and only resulted in creating double the work by waking up the other twin.

I know, I know- the 7 month post is over a week late already. I have a whole 'nother post in my head about why that one is late in coming to fruition, too. But meh- the motivation to type it? So not there.

Well, that's all I've got. I must 1.) take care of laundry 2.) get daycare stuff together before the morning rush (bonus points to me if I actually get time to eat a quick breakfast tomorrow!) 3.) figure out what I'm going to wear 4.) maybe go to bed "early" so I can get more than 4 hours of sleep tonight (which has been slowly becoming then norm - damn you sleep disturbances. Please Sam and Anna, become adept at crawling already so you don't feel the need to think about it at say, 12, 1, 2, 3, 4, and 5 am).

What I want to do? Go to sleeeeeeeeeepppppppp.....

Send Good Thoughts

I will be embarking on a courageous attempt (well, at least I think it is) tomorrow-

My husband is going on his first hunting trip since our twins were born. It will also be the first time he's spent the night away from Sam and Anna.

I will be solo-parenting all weekend long- with two 6 month old babies that have learned how to roll and wiggle to move where they want to go, to boot. (This makes stepping out of the room for "just a second" for the bathroom or whatever else virtually impossible unless all babies are contained, just FYI)

Please keep in mind that a.) I do not have a backup support system where we live because our families all live across state lines. b.) my closest local friend will be on the other side of the country for the weekend. c.) I've never experienced solo parenting with one child, so this will be a little bit of a boot camp for me, multiple mom style. It's one thing to watch multiple babies during the day and it's a whole different level to watch multiple babies by yourself for 48+ hours without the option of help or a break.

Gulp.

On the positive side- at least it will be the weekend and I don't have to get them ready for daycare at dark o'clock to be at school on time. It will also be good practice for the WEEK he will be gone 7 days from now. Ick. I don't even want to think about THAT right now.

Please send good thoughts our way that, although I will be outnumbered for naps, bottle feedings, mealtimes, baths, bedtime and nighttime sleep, things go well and we have a good weekend!

ER visit

Yesterday was a crazy day in our household. About 11 am we were heading to the ER. Not for me- but for my husband. He was having crazy abdominal pain in his right side. You know what's on the right side, right? -His appendix, for those of you that need a little anatomy review.

After hours in the ER, and after my husband getting his turn getting vials of blood drawn (I'm still one vial up on him this week though), getting an u/s (u/s of gall bladders and other internal organs are NOT as interesting as an u/s of a uterus, just fyi), it was decided he did indeed have appendicitis and was ushered into surgery right away. Well not right away- some time around 4:30 pm. Meanwhile, while this pregnant lady with raging hormones was trying to keep it together, my body was staging a protest about no food, water, or a nap for over 6 hours. When I was waiting for him to be brought up to his room, a very kind nurse gave me apple juice and a string cheese so I wouldn't faint.

The surgery went well- his appendix had not ruptured and he recovered in the hospital until about 10 pm that night. Then I brought my sweetie home. Today was supposed to be my first day back officially working at school without students, but I needed to a.) take care of him b.) recuperate myself from not doing such a hot job of taking care of myself yesterday. I was so overtired, exhausted and worn out that I couldn't sleep. I alternated tossing and turning with crying with exhaustion most of the night. Today, he seems to be doing ok. I'm doing better, too.

Oh, and side note: Just like I have vented about in the past- when I'm gone, my co-teachers like to make major decisions with no regard to waiting until I'm there to have input. This time they decided to completely redo our assessment throughout the year and report card while I wasn't there, although we do have work time that we could use to do that on Wednesday. I also need to mention how much time I spent last spring working on aligning our new reading program to our current testing, and what they "decided" today is really stupid. How nice of them to send me an email letting me know. What a great start to the school year.

Slap Me On the Wrist

So yesterday I vented about my dear husband and how he was driving me nuts. I felt really badly later, because he truly is a fantastic husband (the best ever... most of the time) but he is a normal guy after all. So this morning after I got up, I deleted it. The post had served its purpose- I let off a little steam instead of venting at him.

Today I talked with my mother and she made me want to start a new venting post. But I'm holding back, lest I'm on here tomorrow morning before 6 am hitting the delete post button again.

The thing is, I am aware that this is one way that IF has irrevocably changed me. I don't brush things as easily off of my back and I have a lot of icky feelings bottled up most of the time. So when you cross me, it makes me mad. I don't take negative things as well because all my energy to deal with negative things is tied up in our failure to conceive for the past three years.

I know that lots of good things will ultimately come out of our IF struggles. And hopefully one day I will be able to look back at this and be able to say, "I wouldn't change a thing" because of where it got me. I hope fervently that this is the case. I know I am one thousand times stronger than I was three years ago. But there are also good things along with the bad and although I was never a sunny optimist- I am carrying around a lot of pain 24 hours a day. Some of that has to come out a little some of the time.

So to the world (and Jake and my mom): I am sorry that you have to bear the brunt of my frustration sometimes.

The Best Husband Ever

So I decided a long time ago that our IF issues are soley because my husband is so darn amazing in every other way- and NOTHING is perfect, so there you go.

Here's why he's so great:

• He cooks every meal we eat.- AND cleans up AND loads/unloads the dishwasher AND cleans the kitchen weekly. The only finger I lift in that room is to open the refrigerator.
• If I don't feel like going grocery shopping- he'll go by himself.
• If I have a craving for red vines he'll go to the store late in the evening just to get them for me.
• I get to eat the last Girl Scout cookie, every year.
• He helps cut out things for my classroom. A lot. What other man do you know would cut out 18 crabs, 18 fish, and 18 octopus handprints in one weeknight without a complaint???
• He's taken vacation days to come on a field trip with my class in the past or to talk to my students about something we are learning.
• He cleans the toilets and showers weekly.
• He feeds the dogs, lets them out about 99% of the time and picks up after them outside.
• He gives massages whenever I ask for them.
• He makes me tea, hot cocoa, or an alcohol drink whenever I ask.
• We go to bed whenever I feel like it.
• He listens to me talk about work on and on and on without getting annoyed or bored. Ever.
• I get control of the remote and computer when I want it (which is most of the time)- I even get to watch The Bachelor when 24 is on. And I'm pretty sure figure skating would be on over hockey if I truly wanted it to be.
• He makes me a fire in our fireplace and homemade popcorn whenever I want.
• He lets me sleep in on weekends and gets up to let the dogs out.
• He lets me have the window seat in airplanes.
• He doesn't complain when I choose to stay at work until 6 or 7 pm some nights.
• Today the weather was dreary all day and when I answered the phone after leaving work he sang: "You are my sunshine..."
• He loves me because of my perfectionism, my obsessive compulsiveness, the worrywart in me, my pessimism- not in spite of it.
• His patience is limitless.
• He's never once complained about how much I spend on clothes, haircuts, shoes, makeup or other girly things.
• The compliments and flowers are never ending. :)
• He makes me feel like the most beautiful woman in the whole world.

And I'm sure there's many more things that I am not thinking of right now.

Hands off ladies- he's mine and I'm not letting him go.

My dear husband is turning 29 tomorrow. I am the luckiest woman alive to have such an amazing husband.

Jake- I love you. Happy Birthday my love.