Postpartum Me

isn't happy with my appearance. At all.

"I know it's only been 5 weeks. I know that I grew two healthy babies. And I know that it will take time, I was larger than life so it takes time to shrink, it's all worth it and any of that other logical BS you throw at me. Believe me, I know it. But it doesn't mean I'm any happier with myself. " Danse said this on her blog months ago- and I wholeheartedly agree.

I gained a whopping 70 pounds from my "normal" weight pre-IVF to the last weigh-in a few days before I gave birth (Dude- that's like carrying around two smaller kindergartners. No wonder I was in more pain than you can imagine). I justified that gain because a.) I was carrying TWO babies, people- which means twice the amniotic fluid, double the placenta weight, etc. and b.) I was a smaller person pre-pregnancy (I so miss my size 4 pants) and had heard several times that the smaller you are, the more weight you typically gain. c.) I lucked out in the morning sickness department and only threw up twice- and it wasn't even that much those two times, so I didn't have that way of losing lots of calories when I was ravenous 24/7 back then.

I lost 40 pounds in the first three weeks. It was amazing! I felt like I could literally see the difference day by day. Then the next week I hopped on the scale, and... no change. Hopped on the scale the following week, and discovered only a few pounds missing. Right now I still look pregnant.

My wardrobe is more pathetic than ever. I remember feeling tired of the limited clothing I could wear at the end of being pregnant, and I wish I had that many options now. I still am wearing maternity pants if I go out in public. At home I wear stretchy bottoms, feeling at least a little good that those aren't still maternity wear. I wear my largest T-shirts or my husband's T's. I wear sweatshirts. That's it- my entire wardrobe. Soon I'll be heading back to work. Comfy pants and T-shirts aren't going to cut it there. I have been holding off buying any clothes- because optimistic me says that soon I'll be smaller and the new stuff won't fit for long anyway. Plus, it's depressing to try it all on. I tried on a pair of jeans 4 sizes larger than my old size (thinking that at least my jeans wouldn't be maternity anymore) last weekend and they still wouldn't button. Very, very depressing.

My stomach looks droopy, stretchmarky and deflated. It jiggles. I can't tell if my uterus is still stretched contributing to my belly or if that's just my belly. God, I hope not. Either way, it's not a pretty sight. I'll live with the stretchmarks happily if the rest returns to my old self. I can't fathom that happening even in my wildest dreams, though.

Next week is my 6 week postpartum appointment, where I should get cleared to resume all normal activity. I prepared this week by ordering Jillian Michael's 3 DVD set. 30 Day Shred, here I come. No More Trouble Zones: I've got a challenge for you. When I'll find the time for those, I don't know. But I don't think my power walks with the double stroller are going to erase the back fat and belly overhang I'm rockin' right now, among other areas of excess fat. I also ordered a pair of Spanxs. Two of the mean teachers in my grade have personal trainers- I am NOT going back to school without doing everything I can to make the lumps, bumps and jiggles disappear as much as possible.

I am scared that I'll never be able to wear my old clothes again. I am scared that the belly overhang is going to be there forever. I am scared that I'll never embrace the body that I have ever again- and it took many years from high school to my twenties to get there in the first place.