Answered Prayers and the Magic Number

It took me a few days to post this, and I still don't have quite the right words to say. How do you put into words when everything you've ever hoped for until your heart ached to its very limit happens on the very last chance you have? How do you put into words how amazing it feels to have all those holes in your heart start to mend by the sight of one pink little line? How do you say how incredibly grateful you are that God really WAS listening, even though you did have faith that the right thing for you would happen in the end? How can you express how wonderful it feels to be able to have a biological child with the man you truly feel is the most caring, considerate, loving, and selfless man on the planet- when you thought that was beyond your reach? Everything I think of just doesn't cut it. I still don't know.

I promise that will be the most sappy part of this post. I still don't quite know how to get across how I've felt since seeing those two lines. Although my rear hurts from the progesterone shots- I've felt like dancing a happy dance since Saturday morning. You can't wipe this smile off of my face- and darn it, I'll go so far as to say I think I'm glowing (maybe more from the news than the PG, but I think the happiness is radiating from me).

Saturday morning I woke up really early dreaming about testing and with a full bladder. I decided that was the sign I needed that now was the right time to bite the bullet and POAS. So I did. To my surprise, I didn't cry- I was in shock and so happy I kept putting my hands over my mouth to keep from shrieking. Then I went in to our bedroom and woke up Jake with the pee stick. My first words were, "Jake- you're going to be a daddy." I showed him, and we kissed, cuddled, and talked. He went back to sleep after awhile, but I was so amped up I couldn't. I just keep walking into the bathroom to look at the HPT over and over again. I tested again Sunday. The line was darker and the digital made it so much better to be able to see the word in print.

This morning before the big b/w appointment I took another test, just to help ease the anxiety. the line was just a little bit darker. Irrational as it was, I was still scared and anxious to get the call and hear the numbers. I was worried it was all a dream/in my head/a fluke/5 bad tests in a row. Plus, I knew the first beta could help give a clue about whether multiples was a possibility. So the big beta number is: 204 at 10dp5dt. It is on the high end for a singleton according to betamed.com but entirely possible for twins according to betabase.info. Personally I'm thinking one and I'm thinking girl. Interestingly, Jake thinks the same. We'll have to see if we are completely off later.

I refuse to be cautious about this and logical right now. I know the chances of a m/c are there. But what will be will be- and we've waited over three long years for this. I have always been a plan B/realist kind of girl, and although I'm sure those thoughts will creep into my head (yes, I admit they already have) for now I'm am going to allow myself the pure happiness that being PG should be. I'm going to work really hard to indulge those planning ahead kind of thoughts and buy whatever I feel like buying at this point in the game. My thought is, this may be the only time in my life that I get to do this. I've been waiting for this. A friend of mine that is PG through IUI told me a nurse said to her that just because she had gone through infertility doesn't mean she won't have a perfectly healthy and wonderful pregnancy. I'm really trying to keep that in the forefront of my mind. That being said, the next beta is Wednesday- and we can still use your prayers and positive thoughts!