Mother's Day Through the Eyes of a Mother

Last year, I was eager for Mother's Day.  I was looking forward to being able to experience the day on the "other side."  I had been a mother for 2 months.  Last year I was not dreading it and wishing it to pass quickly.  Too many years before last year were spent that way.  Last year we were in the thick of the survival period and a day meant to aknowledge the hard job I was doing felt good.  I felt honored and proud to finally be a mom.

This year, after over a year of being a mother to Sam and Anna and watching them grow, Mother's Day feels a little differently.  As cliche, cheesy or trite as it sounds- I don't need a Mother's Day to celebrate being a mother or a special day to feel honor or proud.  Being Sam and Anna's mother and mothering them every day is a gift itself- I feel honored and proud every date on the calendar.  Sunday could be any other Sunday and I would be just as happy to wake up and spend all day with them.  To eat breakfast in pajamas.  To play with toys on the floor.  To feel the sunshine while going for a walk.  To spend time together as a family- giggling together, dancing together, tickling together, kissing and hugging together.

Although I am looking forward to the day that I get messy art projects from Sam and Anna to show their love for me on Mother's Day (because who doesn't melt a little when you get a gift like that from a child???)- tomorrow could be just any other day.

No Card...

Instead I got this letter, along with a necklace with two aquamarine stones (the babies' birthstone) inside a heart:

Katie,

There isn't a card that even comes close to telling you how amazing you are... for what you have gone through to become a mom, to what you are now accomplishing as one.

This journey has and will be the hardest thing you (and we) will ever do. It has already been and will even more be the most rewarding. Know this: You are an amazing woman and you are capable of so much more than I ever realized when I asked you to marry me. Sure the tough times of this short first step into parenthood have been exceedingly difficult, but they (along with the not-so-tough times) only show me more every day of what an amazing woman, wife and mom you are. Keep it up. You're doing great! Sam and Anna are so lucky to have you in their world- and so am I. We love you.

Enjoy Mother's Day- not so much for what it is today, but for what it means for our future.

I love you,
Jake

This week is HARD

Besides the big ball of stress the kindergarten concert that we have tomorrow is for me... and besides the fact that I've been on pins and needles waiting for my next door co-teacher to announce what I've known for a month (which, by the way, she did officially announce her PGness today)... this week is HARD.

I'm tryin', really- I'm tryin' to focus on the rockin' hot stone massage waiting for me on Sunday (but yet I wonder if the masseuse will say to me what I don't want to hear: Happy M______ Day or Are you here for M______ Day?)... the pedicure (my first ever!) on Saturday... my day off- sans farm field trip on Monday, and the acupuncture appt. waiting for me instead that day... but it is still HARD.

I told my mom yesterday that I sent a card, but I will not be calling her on Sunday. I hope she understands; I think she understands- but honestly I don't care that much if she doesn't. Self-preservation is top priority for me at this point. It might make Sunday a little better not having to say It, but that day will still be HARD.

Today one of my students was holding my hand as we walked and he squeezed it three times. I told him that 3 squeezes is mine and Mr. E's code for I Love You, and I smiled at him. He squeezed 3 times again- then pondered and said, "so how do you say so much?" I said maybe two more squeezes could mean that. So he squeezed my hand 5 times in a row. How's that for an Awww moment? Now of course, infertile me got warm fuzzies for only a second before I thought- I want my OWN child to do that/say that to me- and sad, pitiful Infertile Katie had to hold back the tears. Damn- this week is HARD.

Jen says it better than I could put it into words here. Happily for her, she wrote that last year- and this year she has a "squishy baybee" to love (in her words). This sums it up for me exactly: " [It is] A day when you have to be subjected to yet another reminder that you are somehow physically constrained in ways that most people are not." And the kicker for me is also that it is a day where it is glaringly obvious that people don't validate that there are in fact people that are "physically constrained in ways that most people are not" in the reproductive way as well as how extremely difficult that is mentally, emotionally and physically.

Ugh. This week is HARD.

Will you please let me know when it is over- k?

The Day Which Shall Not Be Named and NIAW

So I'm a little ahead of things. That's how I roll. (See beginning of last post: I already told you I was a planner- you were forewarned) TV and the card aisle at your favorite store are already full steam ahead in celebrating M-day (The Day Which Shall Not Be Named)- so why can't I be early with NIAW too?

In case you didn't know, NIAW starts April 25th and goes through May 2nd. To celebrate, today, I started an argument I know I have no shot in hell at winning with our insurance reps. It went something like this via email: "Causes no harm, my ass." and "Tell me what physical harm is being treated with V*agra then." and "the CDC considers it a medical condition, why don't you?" Maybe I can get Jake to bake a NIAW cake- or even give me a gift! Hey, why not??? So what are you planning to do for NIAW week?

Now back to That Day in May. I am already dreading it, like any IFer does. For me, it starts well before the cards come out or the ads begin. For me, it starts when I begin planning my lessons. Hmmm... what should we make for That Day's gifts in kindergarten? What should I teach that week about that topic? Twist that knife a little more. I have cute songs we sing, books we read... and we even recognize That Day at our grade-wide concert that always falls on that Friday. Torture, really. But I can gleefully say, it won't be quite so bad this year! Because I have a student teacher! She will be reading the books, singing the songs, and making the cards and gifts. And me, I'll be in my happy place- or locked in the back store room where I can't hear their darn singing. Then the weekend around That Day... I will be at a spa, with my now-I-know-who-my-real-friends-are friend- who needs a little spa happy place time too. I think I will start a yearly tradition, baby or not.