After 6 days of stims...

Things I think are looking good. I lost count of the number of follicles- most were about 14 mm and Dr. S didn't even bother to measure all the smaller ones- just said "and there's a lot a smaller follicles as well." My E2 level was 450 (which to me seems kind of low- but the nurse said it was "rising nicely" from the last E2 level). They also did a progesterone check to see how close I was to triggering, but it was still low. So I will be going back Thursday for more lovely b/w and u/s probing. Before getting the b/w results, Dr. S said he thought we would do the ER on Saturday or Sunday. I'm personally thinking it will be Sunday or even Monday.

I have mixed feelings about doing the retrieval on Saturday (with it being the 4th of July and all). On the one side, it would be really neat to be able to say we knew our child was conceived on that holiday and sooner is always better when it means less needle poking. On the other side, I would like to enjoy the holiday- see fireworks, go to a friend's party, go to a nearby city's festival and I couldn't do that if the ER fell on that day. And, if we triggered on Friday (for a Sunday ER) Saturday would be a shot-free day! It would be so much easier to enjoy the festivities without worrying about that.

I am really trying to put my trust in the doctor and nurses at the clinic. I am a little disappointed that my number of follicles isn't closer to 20- because I know this will be our only IVF, no matter what the outcome is. I am hoping for lots of frosties so that we can do FET's. I have always been an overachiever, so I naturally want my ovaries to follow that as well. I know 16ish is a lot better than 3 or another number less than 16, but I still worry. I am also trying to remember quality is better than quantity. I worry about the E2 level, because it seems too low for 6 days of stims. But I try to convince myself that it has got to be good, because my drug amounts are not being changed (still 250 Follistim and 2.5 Lupron) and they would be adjusted if something needed to be tweaked.

On to another topic: my mom. I have mentioned before how she has failed to realize the level of support I need from her as we go through this exceptionally difficult time. Last week my parents went camping, to a place they go every year. This year they decided to go for a full week instead of an extended weekend. I was really hurt and bothered by the fact that my mom knew the suppression was taking longer and that if by Wednesday I had not been suppressed, I would be delayed until the next cycle- but still went to a place where she could not call me to find out the news or provide adequate support. They got home on Sunday. She did not call until 2 pm on Monday. She then spent the first 5 minutes of the phone call telling about their week. I had decided that I would honestly tell her how hurt I was and that I needed more support from her. So I did. I thought I got my message across and I think she understood where I was coming from. She felt badly, and I thought putting it out there helped.

Then I called her after I got the b/w information yesterday to tell her the latest update and that we were potentially looking at a ER for this weekend. Guess what? My parents are going for an extended camping trip this weekend too. She said they are going to leave Thursday morning and come back Monday. She made a point of saying that she's never gotten cell reception from where they are camping, so she is pretty sure she won't be able to call. (never mind that if they drove 20 minutes down the road, I am pretty sure she could get reception!) I was so flabbergasted, I was speechless. Since my next appointment is Thursday morning, that means she won't even know when I am actually having the egg retrieval. She won't even be able to call afterwards to see how it went.

For crying out loud! If SHE was having minor surgery this weekend- I KNOW I would make sure to call right afterwards to see how it went. I've never been under anesthesia or had an IV- so wouldn't YOU think my mother should be around to call???

I thought what I said to her on the phone the other day got through to her. It obviously did not. So I didn't even try to bring it up again after she told me they would be gone this weekend too. What's the point to put myself out there if it isn't going to change anything? I am still hurt and it is causing me stress at a time when I need to eliminate as much stress as possible. So right after I hung up, I called and made an appointment for a massage tomorrow to make myself better and to relieve some of the stress she has caused me. I swear, my mother has not earned any brownie points this month- or earned a Mother-of-the-Year award at all.

Out of my control

So I am realizing how much of a control freak I really am. What I don't have control of, I like to have complete knowledge about. It is driving me insane not being completely well informed about what's going on in my body and what exactly it means. I know reproduction has to do with biology and biology is not really an exact science because every body is different- but seriously, where is the internet site that tells you exactly how many follicles I should have cookin' after 2 days of stims (and the table that shows every day of stims thereafter) that qualify as "average" "good" "excellent"... or "below average???" Then, where is the table that states what the E2 level should be to correspond to the appropriate follicle count and size??? As a bonus, a table that showed the % likelihood of IVF success based on those factors would a nice addition. I need to know if I am supposed to be thrilled, satisfied, or disappointed, or some gray area between those emotions when knowing my numbers!

After my OBGyn debacle at the beginning of our TTC efforts (yes, I can confidently say I DO know more about reproduction and issues surrounding reproduction than my ex-OBGyn, even if she has the market cornered on all the other areas) I just can't completely trust a doctor or nurse with my fertility. They all say it "looks good" and the longer suppression won't affect the success, but how do I know if they are just placating me??? In the back of my head, I remember my ex-OBGyn stating in April 2007- that she was sure she would see me back PG before my next appointment with her in July of 2007. Obviously THAT didn't happen. She also thought our issues were with me, not him- and the precedent was set for my mistrust of doctors from there on out. It has only been in the last year or so that I realize how much time was wasted on the 8 months of unmonitored Clomid I took... for 0% morphology, and how it could have all been different if I knew more at the time. I don't want the same mistake to happen again.

It doesn't help that I have not seen my RE in the last week and a half. All the times I was going back for just the E2 b/w, I didn't see him. He was supposed to do my u/s today and I had a long list of questions- but it turns out he had kidney stones and needed surgery this morning. I felt even less confident about getting an accurate answer from the nurses. I'm also not as confident in the nurse's measuring ability on the u/s- what if she missed one (or several) of my lovely follicles?

Dr. S should be there on Sunday when I head back after 4 days of stims... which is good, because my list of questions is getting even longer for him. Let's hope he has satisfying answers to each one, because the lack of knowledge is killing me over here.

I need a drink. But alas, I gave up alcohol for the IVF and I've already eaten WAY too much ice cream in the last two weeks...