Replacing anxiety with excitement

So I think my anxiety from the E2 suppression drama has finally worn down enough that I have gotten back to a state of excited anticipation for the egg retrieval and transfer. It also helps that it is only a week or so away! And to think that if I wasn't delayed the ER might have been right now, today- wow.

Today was my u/s after 4 days of stims. I finally got to ask the RE my questions, and he reassured me about all of them. It sounds like things are going well- Two days ago they could see 10 follicles, today he saw 16 ranging in size from 7-13 mm (most were around 10-11). My E2 went up to 195. He said everything was great, so I am continuing the same amounts of Follistim and Lupron. It really reassures me that things are moving along exactly as they should if the amounts don't have to be adjusted.

The shots have gotten really old, really fast and I am ready to be done with that part though. It's funny- the Lupron shot itself hasn't been too bad, but the side effects afterwards really ramped up when I increased the dosage to 40 units daily. The side effects I have felt are: bloating, tiredness, trouble sleeping, hot flashes, headaches, mood swings, as well as itching and hotness at the injection site. The Follistim has been kind of the opposite: the shot hurts. (I totally understand why Follistim's nickname is FolliSTING) But the side effects aren't really that bad from it- bloating and that's about all. I'm already starting to feel my ovaries kickin' into high gear, so I'm a little scared about how it will feel later on this week (especially since I've only taken four days of Follistim so far). I think it is just about time to break out the elastic waistbands!

The drives to and from the RE have definitely gotten old too. Today I had to get up at 4:30 am (on a Sunday) to get to the RE's early this morning for my u/s and b/w. Jake and I hung out in Green Bay afterwards and went to the zoo so we wouldn't have to turn around and drive back right away. It was perfect weather for a day at the zoo. I will go back to the RE in two days on Tuesday for a u/s and b/w after six days of stims. My appointment couldn't be any later than 7:45 am that day since Dr. S needs to leave by 8 am to go to his other clinic. I guess I will have to leave our house at 5:45 am that day- ick. Good thing I don't have to go to work afterwards and I can come back and take a nice long nap. Until then, I hope my lovely follicle keep doing their thing: my current mantra is grow, follies, grow!

Standing Still

Yesterday's post was titled: Movin' Forward. It should have been called Wishful Thinking. Notice today's title. Yesterday's post was hopeful and optimistic. Warning: today's post is a bit crabby.

I really needed today's results to break the bad-news-from-the-RE's spell. We have yet to go there and get exactly what we want to hear- or really even good news. I am scared, very scared, that this trend will continue up until our very last appointment there. Apparently God did not think I needed good news today as much as I did.

Today's results: lining was fine at 5.5. E2 B/W was not so fine at a whopping 124.

Suppressed, I am NOT.

So... no cool Follistim pen for me yet. What a waste of four hours of my day driving back and forth (and a waste of a half day off of work for Jake). I do, however, get to up my Lupron injection from 5 units (which for the record, I have always thought was awfully low compared to other IVF blog info) to 20 units... twice a day. That's 40 units of Lupron daily (or 8 times the amount I was taking). Did the first one all by my lonesome after the phone call- no Jake as a cheerleader even, this time.

So back to the RE on Friday I will go... and we'll do take two at hopeful suppression. Let's also hope that this XL dose of Lupron only has to be given until then.

I have a sneaking suspicion that those Lupron side effects that I said "weren't that bad" are about to get a whole lot worse. Oh fun, fun.

Movin' Forward

Tomorrow I go in for a monitoring u/s and b/w. Hopefully they will show that I am appropriately suppressed and then the fun can begin at night with my first Follistim shot. Lupron will continue at 7 pm, but the amount will get cut in half to 2.5 units. Follistim shots will be at 8-9 pm. Although I am not looking forward to devoting a good chunk of every evening to two injections, I have been itching to use that cool Follistim pen... and the awesome James Bond-like carrying kit that comes with it. (Thanks, Lau, for the JB reference idea) I also think it probably goes without saying: but I am ready to move to the next step... and get one step closer to being PG.

I have succeeded in giving myself every single shot so far. Jake helps with the prep work, like getting the syringe ready- but I have hesitated to let him poke me with the needles. I like being in control myself. I don't want him to hurt me... because if he did, I'm afraid I'd get mad at him, and I don't need an extra reason to do that (Lupron mood swings and all). I did promise him he can do one sub-cue injection as practice before he is responsible for the IM injections in my rear.

Lupron hasn't been that bad. I have a suspicion that the nausea was almost entirely the Norethrindrone's fault. I feel bloated at times, minor ickiness in my lower abdomen following each injection, and have had some mood swings. Pretty soon after an injection I get a very quick stabbing pain in my right ovary region. I think my eggs look like this- they don't understand what the heck is going on and they are protesting the unwelcome hormonal changes:

There have been a few times where I've been extra unreasonably crabby and maybe two times in the last week that I have gotten extra weepy (but heck- I've been like that for years while dealing with TTC unsuccessfully, that's nothing new). Jake noted that I seem to have goofy moments while on Lupron though. It appears that I say things with a silly voice while on Lupron. (For instance- the acu lady has me taking a Chinese medicine supplement called Women's Precious. I think I've pretended to be Gollum from The Lord of the Rings no less that 3 times now). I can also happily say that the first Lupron injection gave me a bruise the size of a Lima bean... and that's the only bruise I've gotten so far. I hope that continues. The past two nights I have had a hard time sleeping and have gotten really hot in the middle of the night- I know these can be side effects from Lupron, but I'm not sure if they are related or not. I also had a killer headache last night. Who knows? Could be the Lupron, or maybe not.

After our delay after the first u/s and b/w, I am a little nervous that the trend will continue and I won't be suppressed enough to begin the Follistim. Please send good thoughts our way that everything is right on track for us.

Summer at last!

I'm finally done with school for the year! Yesterday I was feeling ecstatic... but also a mix of feeling a little lost. Ecstatic to not have to THINK about my co-workers for three months. (if you were wondering, I didn't go atomic on my co-workers after all. The opportunity never presented itself) Ecstatic to get to sleep in and not wake up at 5 am every weekday.

However, my classroom is my home-away-from-home for nine months of the year. On the last day, I have to turn in my keys and I'm not "allowed" back in my room until August 17th. To me, it feels a little like moving to a new home. You're ultimately happy and excited about what new and better things are ahead of you- but a little sad to be leaving something behind. I know, I'm weird. I don't think most teachers feel this way. But what can I say? I guess I was born to teach and I just miss it when I'm not doing it (most of the time).

There's another side to it as well: I am used to thinking about school most of my waking hours- and spend most of my time doing work for school. When summer rolls around, all of a sudden my schedule is wide open. It can be a bit overwhelming to go from not having enough time to do it all- to having all the time in the world to do anything. And it gets boring really fast when every other person you know (except your co-workers) still has their 8-5 pm job on weekdays. There's no one around to do much with. And without LO's in our home, I have more time to fill than the average teacher in the summer, all by myself.

This summer I don't have summer classes to take (last year I took 7 grad credits which kept me busy) but I do have a huge schedule filler: our IVF. Right now I'm shooting up Lupron nightly and the side effects aren't too bad (right now). I'm twiddling my fingers waiting until my next cycle starts (and thanks to the Norethindrone, could be anywhere from tomorrow to 7 days after that. I don't really know how it may have altered my cycle length and the word is that Lupron can delay it as well). After cycle day 1, things will be a small flurry of activity. One call to the RE to make the day 3 appointment (which should also be the day the Follistim starts if all goes as planned) and one to the acu lady, who doesn't think I need to come in again until then. Then, I'll have a better idea of the dates for our next steps. But until then, I'm twiddling my fingers (and sleeping in).

A preview of what's to come

Norethi.ndrone makes me nauseous. Incredibly nauseous, all day long. I almost made me throwing up on the bus the most memorable part of the zoo field trip today. A completely out-of-touch co-worker (who is aware of the IVF) told me with a smile, "welcome to being pregnant." Um, yeah. So I'm not, remember? And I don't have the guarantee of a baby at the end of this nausea. It really helped sink in the month of side effects I have ahead of me too. Oh boy.

Thank goodness school is almost over. I am ready to focus on me and this process- instead of pushing it aside to be a good teacher.

T-minus 22 hours until shot time!

Please also pray for my dear friend Carli and her husband Derek, who got a BFN on IVF #2 today. I am heartbroken for them and praying for their healing through this extremely difficult time.