If you've noticed my absence from posting in the last week, it was for a semi-good reason: our battle with reflux is in full force again.
Sigh.
I am going to type something that I thought long and hard about first- and something that may irritate several of my readers. (There's your warning in advance, just FYI. If you are infertile and presently TTC, you might want to skip this post for today. I apologize in advance if you continue reading and are bothered by my post.)
Dealing with severe reflux for two infants at the same time is harder than anything I've ever gone through before. It doesn't have the personal empty heartache of infertility, or the longing- but it has more pain and more tears. There is a worse pain than your own pain- you cannot fathom it until you see your children in pain and you can't do anything to make it stop. It's on my mind all the time and I'm wore down and close to losing my mind all the time. With infertility there were harder days, but there were good days too. Days when I could recharge, avoid the reminders of what we didn't have and pamper myself. (Not that I need pampering. I just need opportunities to go to the bathroom a few times a day.)
My babies aren't eating well and they aren't sleeping well. Every bottle and nap is a battle. I dread when it is time to feed them again. They cry every time. I dread when it is naptime. They cry every time- more than they sleep. I feel like I can't meet my babies' basic needs and so I feel like a failure at this parenting thing. Add in the psychological crap that makes you doubt that you should even BE a parent because, hey- didn't you get the hint with IF? and the whole situation blows.
The 7.5 mg of prevacid isn't enough. We switched to Nutramigen (maybe we need to take out a second loan on our house to pay for the uber expensive formula for double the babies!) and have to give it 2 weeks before attempting anything else. So far, a few days in- no change. I really don't think our babies have a MSPI (milk/soy protein intolerance), I think they just have severe reflux and need more meds! Our pediatrician said she's never given more than 7.5 mg in a prescription, but I've read about people getting more for their infants. Ever since my initial OBGyn was totally wrong about our attempts TTC, I've been a little distrusting of doctors knowing the best course of action. I don't know what to do to make this better. But my babies are miserable. I am miserable.
I want to enjoy feeding them. I want to know that they are getting what they need. I want to be able to brush my teeth or get dressed or go to the bathroom without crying in the background. I want my sanity back.
I want happy, healthy babies. Is that really too much to ask?
(This also leads me to apologize for my lack of commenting on blogs. I do read your posts every night before I go to bed, but I just don't have the time or energy to comment. Sorry for my lack of appropriate blogging etiquette!)
17 comments:
I have read your blog for some time now.. I think it might be the first time I have commented.
My daughter Payton had SEVERE reflux as a baby. my doctor had her on prevacid and then she had me thicken her bottles with Rice Cereal. It was the only thing that would coat the esophagus and make my baby feel better. She was on Gentle Ease formula as well. I was so happy when she finally felt better.When I say better I mean a complete turn around. Sleeping though the night and smiling instead of screaming!!! At the time my husband and I could not afford nutramagin and this was our only option.
I will be praying for you and your babies!
Laura
I just thought i'd share a word of advice. My daughter was a preemie weighing only 2# 14oz. when she was born last august. She also had severe reflux. She also was on prevacid and up to 12 mg. So do not let the dr fool you. Everytime my daughter has a growth spurt they had to increase the prevacid. All of a sudden we were able to start slowing down on the prevacid and just recently completly off of it. So have faith and I totally understand (although I don't have 2 babies with it at the same time)
I'm so sorry. I hope you and your little ones get some relief soon.
Katie--I'm sorry that you and your babies are stressed out to the max with reflux. I cannot imagine the repeated heartache that you are going through to feed your children and help them sleep. These are basic needs and it sounds like it is crushing when this is beyond what you can control. Please know that you are doing your very best and you are a great mom. And it really sucks about the distrust that comes with IF and doctors. But you are your best advocate and if you think you need a second opinion, do it.
((HUGS))
Ugh Katie, I am so sorry you are going through this. Dylan only has a touch on reflux and it's still miserable, but I can't imagine what you are feeling. I ended up taking Dylan off Alimentum since it was so expensive and didn't help much.. we still use Similac, I have a ton of good coupons for Enfamil I will drop in the mail for ya ;) Hang in there. You ARE meant to be a mom and you are a damn good one! If you weren't meant for parenthood you wouldn't have Sam and Anna in your life!
Katie, I wish I had something helpful to say, but instead I'll just say that I'm so truly sorry for what you (and your precious babies) are going through right now. I agree that there is absolutely nothing worse than seeing your child(ren) in pain. I can't imagine having to see it several times a day, every day. It would be heartbreaking. You are a fantastic momma doing the best you can. Don't be hard on yourself. You were absolutely meant to be a parent. You'll get through these dark days. Love you.
Katie, I too have been following your blog. I have b/g twins also and both of mine had reflux. I was on 10 mg a day for both, the cereal thing really worked. We did use the nutramigen also, but once I started adding the cereal we were able to go back to the gentle ease. I also have TONS of coupons for Enfamil. If you would like I would be more then happy to send them your way. Know that you are doing everything right. I still wonder if I am doing things right and mine will be 5 years old in October. Hugs!!!
I am so sorry Katie! Things have been relatively okay on our side, but even one evening of crying makes me go over the edge... I can't imagine your situation. I hope things settle down soon.
Sorry to hear it. My daughter had horrible reflux (and MSPI) as a newborn - and still takes meds for it at 2.5 years old (my son had it as well, but not as badly as she did). Neither of my kids handled Prevacid - life was horrible when they were on it. It wasn't until we switched to Prilosec that they improved - and everything improved - their eating, their sleeping, their fussiness. Prevacid does not work for everyone; I've heard so many stories about kids on Prevacid who are miserable. I would maybe check to see if you can switch meds?
Hang it there - it will get better. I know how frustrating it is, though.
Emma is taking the 15MG prevacid solutab. And I know that BOTH of my sisters-in-law have given the exact same dosage to their kids.
I am so sorry that you have to deal with this TIMES TWO! The pain of seeing your little ones hurt is unbearable. Hang in there...I know that it probably doesn't seem like it, but it WILL GET BETTER. You're an EXCELLENT, SUPERB, WONDERFUL mommy.
I'm so sorry that the reflux issues are back. :-( I can't imagine what you're going through. I really wish I had some great advice, but one thing I CAN tell you for certain is that you are an AMAZING mommy and you are doing a great job!! Sam & Anna are so blessed to have you as their mom. :-)
Oh Katie, I'm so sorry. I really feel your pain. I know that I don't have twins but even one with reflux that isn't eating or napping well is enough to make me completely overwhelmed so I can't imagine what you're going through. Lexi is on 30mg of prevacid a day and it's still not enough. I know what you mean about dreading feedings and nap time. They are torture, especially when there is no end in sight. And I agree that when you're children are in pain, it's a new pain that is so hard to deal with. It's one thing if it's you, but an entirely different thing when you're child is. Big hugs.
New follower and I just want to say that even with how cliche it is to say your family will be in my prayers, you and your well being will be as well.
I don't have any words of wisdom for reflux. Just hoping that you can get a break soon from all of this. I sincerely am praying for you.
Sounds absolutely brutal. Hugs!
Katie - I am so sorry to hear how bad you and the babes are struggling through this time right now. I know that IF is hard, but I can't imagine how hard it would be to finally have your dream children and then feel all of the frustration from their pain. I know this is tough on you and Jake and THEM.
I hope that sometime soon you get the relief you all need from Reflux Hell.
Oh - and by the way - thanks for the props in posting the pictures in their onesies! I feel very special. Three times over.
Love you!
I'm so sorry about all you're going through. (((HUGS)))
I'm thinking of you.
I have a little something for you. Can you e-mail me and give me your address? I promise I'm not a psycho stalker or anything. :) I just want to give you a little something as a fellow Wisconsinite...I think you'll like it.
From the sounds of it, you could use a little smile and I think this would help. :)
My e-mail is tammywondra@yahoo.com
(((HUGS)))
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