1 Year Ago (part 2)

I woke up early that morning and just laid in bed vacillating- do I or don't I? I didn't whip out the pee sticks the day before to my husband's surprise, but it still scared me so much to have the finality of one pink line or two. Anyone who's done an IVF cycle knows the feeling- for the first time in a long time, you have hope (this could be it) and there is the chance that only one pink line will show up, obliterating that hope- so it's just nice to be in the land of I'm-possibly-pregnant for once. But yet, there could be TWO pink lines and all you've prayed and wished for could come true and you want that moment too. When to test (or if) is a hard decision to make after an IVF cycle.

It was a Saturday and our beta was on Monday. , I knew I would test before the appointment at some point because I wanted time to process whatever the result was going to be before having to talk to someone about it. The last thing I wanted was to choke back tears as I told a nurse thank you over the phone. I wanted to do it on my terms when I felt like I could best handle the result. Plus, I wanted to be the first to know- not some lab tech.

I woke up around 6:30 am (unheard of for a night owl like me) dreaming about testing and with a full bladder. After hemming and hawwing, I finally decided that was the sign I needed that it was the right time to POAS. I tiptoed to the bathroom. Despite my heart loudly pounding in my chest, my husband slept without stirring, blissfully unaware of what I was about to do.

I peed. I was shaking. I stared at the test. And there it was, the holy manna for IF gals: the elusive double pink lines. I immediately covered my mouth (I guess to keep from shrieking?) and then looked at my reflection in the mirror, because I wanted to see my expression. My face had a look on it that I had not seen in an extremely long time. I'll never forget the look of pure joy oozing out of every smile crinkle and sparkle in my eyes. That was one of the most magical moments of my life.

I didn't cry tears of happiness- I think because I was in shock. What I remember next is tiptoeing back into our bedroom to do what I had dreamed about for so long- I climbed into bed, hugged my still sleeping husband and whispered in his ear. "Jake- You're going to be a daddy."

He woke up, I told him and showed him and then we spent a lot of time cuddling in bed, allowing ourselves to vocalize all those thoughts about having a baby and being parents that we had packed away a long time ago. He went back to sleep after a while, but I just couldn't. I keep walking into the bathroom to look at the HPT over and over again. It was a perfect way to start our weekend. I knew there were a lot of ways this could end badly, but I promised myself that for the weekend, I would revel in the feelings that a BFP had brought us and not let the worry enter my head. I knew very well that this could be the only time in my life that we would see those two lines whether it resulted in a successful pregnancy or not, and I wanted to experience it the best way we could.

I was pregnant.