I'll Always Feel Different

The path I took to become a mother is different than most women.

Now that I'm here, that's not the only difference I have.

Most mothers have one baby at a time. A few *think* they know what twins would be like because they have two babies close together in age- but I emphatically know that's not the same at all. Two babies 10 or so months apart is not the same thing as having two in your womb at the same time. Trying to hold both babies is not the same thing as trying to hold two newborns that can't support their heads at the same time. Feeding both is not the same as when you have to do night feedings every two hours or so for two babies. It's not the same to try to teach two babies how to latch on at the same time. It's hardly the same at all.

Even though my babies are growing older, sometimes I still feel different than most moms. Sometimes that difference makes me feel extra special- there's so many things I get to experience that most moms don't. Sometimes that difference makes me feel like people can't relate. Sometimes that difference makes me feel like the odd person out (a sort of IF deja-vu, really). That difference can be pretty isolating in real life when very few people can completely understand your life.

Sometimes I feel like I'll never get the true experience of being a "first-time-mom." Yes, I know I am one- but its pretty different when you've got two infants at the same time. I don't have time to neurotically obsess over my only child. That concern is automatically spread out between two babies. My twins won't have meticulously filled out baby books and scrapbooks chronicling ever detail of their life. The nuk falls on the ground- who has time to wash it?- I suck on it, and pop it right back in- even possibly switching nuks between babies. Who has time to make sure two babies don't swap spit? We nuk share, bottle share, and I'm pretty darn sure we'll end up spoon sharing when we get to that point. I don't fret about having other people hold my children like a first time mom might- because it's just a fact of life when you've only got two arms.

I go to the local hospital's new mom group every Tuesday. I like going for several reasons:
1.) It gives me a routine place to go every week to help me mark my days until I go back to work. This is how I know what day it is: Monday=Bachelorette Tuesday=Moms Group Wednesday=garbage day Thursday=garage sales Friday= second day of garage sales Saturday=husband home for the weekend! Sunday=church
2.)Initially, the Moms Group gave me a place to build confidence taking two babies out in public by myself. I knew it would be okay if they cried there, because other babies might cry as well.
3.) Since weight gain has been an issue, I get to have Sam and Anna weighed weekly to track their progress. Sometimes, this does me more harm that good though- like this week when Sam was actually down 1/2 oz from last week, and he's been eating so relatively well- it was disheartening when I had been feeling so encouraged about his eating habits lately.
4.) I like to talk to moms of similar aged babies in person to get and give advice/support and find out about what their babies are doing. I routinely stalk blogs and Babycenter for the same reason, but there's just something more that you get from talking to people in person.

I like going to the New Mom Group, but I always leave feeling like I want something more. (and before you suggest it- no, my area does not have a twins or moms of multiples group. The nearest one is 45ish minutes away. That's a long haul to drag my babies every week.) I always feel like no one can really relate to my experience... but they can all relate perfectly to each other, as first-time-moms to one baby. Its hard to maneuver two babies- trying to get them undressed, weighed, and redressed while there. I get to talk about things that have to do with just one baby- but no one can give advice/support for the things I have to do or figure out for two babies at once, like the logistics of naps and schedules.

Today the moms were commiserating about spit up on their shirts, and how it always seems like you have to change your shirt right before you leave to go somewhere. I found that humorous, because today Anna spit up on my shirt right before we left. After a quick check to make sure it wouldn't be too noticeable, I went out the door- spitup shirt still on. When you've got twins- who has time to change your shirt before you leave? I don't always have time to go to the bathroom before I leave to go somewhere!

Also today, Sam's nuk fell on the floor while we were there. I picked it up, sucked on it and popped it back into his mouth. The mom sitting next to me said with a certain tone in her voice, "that's what you do to clean off a pacifier?" I wanted to say, "yes- when you've got two babies, you don't have time to run to the sink to rinse it off before using it again. A pacifier is indispensable when you need help soothing a baby so you can get to the other child."

So although most of the time I feel very special to be a mother of twins, it can be isolating and frustrating that most people just won't get what it's like. And just like our many years of dealing with IF and the fertile world, I'll always feel at least a little different and sometimes not understood.