It bothers me when breastfeeding mothers comment something along the lines of "I must make buttermilk!" or " My baby must be drinking half and half!" after sharing the nice healthy weight of their child. Too often I see these comments on blogs of women who entered parenthood through the hard fought path of infertility. I just read similar words again tonight, and thought it was time I stopped internalizing my annoyance, allow myself to vent, and maybe help someone to see things from a different perspective.
To me, those words are all too similar to ones that infertiles hear all the time: "my husband has super sperm... all he has to do is look at me and I get pregnant." IF ladies- doesn't it at least slightly irritate you when you hear those words?
Now breastfeeding moms- remember back in the early days when it wasn't so easy for you to breastfeed. Think of the multitude of women that try and can't breastfeed their babies- whether it is because of latching issues (one of the issues we faced), health issues (like lack of weight gain- another problem we encountered in the hospital), or supply issues. Or the many new moms who can't breastfeed from the beginning because of NICU stays or other physical limitations. Think of the mommy guilt you might face when you have to stop breastfeeding. And maybe you can start to see what a loaded comment that turns into and how it might make someone else feel badly.
I know I am just a little more sensitive to these types of comments because I tried to breastfeed in the beginning. Now that Sam and Anna are on formula and have eating issues that create weight gain issues, I would be lying if I said it never crossed my mind to wonder if we'd have the same problems if I were still breastfeeding my twins.
All I ask is that before tossing similar words around like: "my baby must be getting heavy creamer from me!" you consider your audience and how those words might sting a little for the person on the other end.
That is all.
9 comments:
Great post. I am BFing my kids, and it's good for me to keep in mind that it's not something to brag about. Did I work hard to make it happen? Yes, absolutely, and I am proud of myself for sticking with a tough task. Did it also involve a lot of luck? YES. I am lucky that my body is able to make enough milk for two. And if it hadn't been, it wouldn't mean that I was a bad mother.
I totally agree with you... I had so much guilt when I finally gave up trying due to latching and supply. I resigned that there was nothing I could do about it, but man, that was a hard time. Everyone made it seem so easy and natural and for a lot of us it's not!!
I'm sensitive to those comments too, but for a different reason. I breastfeed but have a skinny minny little guy. So when people say things like that, I think, "well...what am I making then? Skim milk?" Oh well.
I devoted a whole post to this a while back, but I have never thought BFing makes someone a superior mom anyway. It works for Camden & me, but who knows if I'll BF my next child? And if I had multiples like you? Quite honestly, I don't know that I would've even tried, so good for you for giving it a shot.
Bravo! I hear these comments from people at work all the time. "I was just dripping in milk, and it was all cream" "I couldn't got to the post office for 30min without lraking like mad if I heard another baby cry"
Makes me and my must-pump-every-2h-to-keep-up supply feel even more inadequate.
I'll play devil's advocate here for a minute. I know the blog that you're refering to and I took it much differently than you did. Instead of viewing it as a brag, i viewed it as a celebration of something actually going right for this blogger.
I can understand how it is a sensitive subject, but that's the beauty of blogs...she can celebrate her small successes and you can vent about them, all in one happy blogosphere.
You are doing such a great job with Sam and Anna and should not think twice about how your children's nutritional needs are being meet. They are beautiful.
Although one blog did lead me to write this post last night, it was after a string of similar comments on other blogs and heard out loud over the course of the last few months. I know each person that has said such a comment meant it in celebration of success kind of way and of course, I am happy that any baby is doing well. I think, however, that thinking first how your comment might come across to others who struggle with something you are celebrating about might make you choose to word things a little differently. Saying, "I am so glad breastfeeding is working so well for us!" or "I am so happy my baby is growing so well!" would be nice alternatives to referring to your milk as heavy creamer- when the quality of your milk is nothing you can control, much like the quality of a husband's sperm.
I have no ill-feelings towards anyone who has made a similar comment- I continue to read every single blog that has. I just know that if I personally bothered someone (if even a little) unintentionally by something I typed , I would like to know about it, so I can avoid a similar situation in the future.
As far as my childnren's nutritional needs being met- they are not. They do not eat enough formula each day to gain an adequate amount of weight. This is something we struggle with multiple times a day. My children are beautiful and they look healthy, but I worry constantly about the long term effects of inadequate nutrition so early on in their lives.
I do appreciate your comment though, optimisticallyhopeful- I would have been surprised if I had not gotten any comments that did not agree with my post. I am glad you felt like posting a comment and wrote it in a way that was respectful of my opinion, even though you do not agree.
I get tired of the superiority of BF'ing mothers. Many of the act as if anyone could and should make the sacrifice at any cost. As if latching, supply and other issues don't really exist, they're all in our heads. These are usually the women who brag about having been topless their entire first 12 weeks of motherhood and BF'd every 2 hours 24/7 - would never pump for a bottle for their husband to feed the baby and never had supply issues. I personally get tired of their self-important and self-congratulatory words and think that most of these women truly believe that formula will damage your baby. I also love those women who breastfeed their toddlers - as if ANYONE other than the mother is really getting any benefit at that point. There's just something 'not right' about breastfeeding a child who asks for it by name, grabs them in public or tells the mother that they like their 'num nums' or whatever 'cutsey' name they give their mothers boobs.
Sorry for the rant - your post got me thinking....
Preach it girl!!! I get so frustrated with those comments as well being a mom who tried BFing for 3 months without success that had a child in the NICU who is now in the 1%ile for weight. I also think of women who had/have supply issues. It probably makes them feel like crap too. I do get tired of the superiority among SOME BF mothers (not all are like that of course). Ultimately I don't think they know just how lucky they are to have had such an easy experience. Most people struggle with BFing, and those who don't are truly blessed and shouldn't rub it in. Thank you for this post!
I just read this post and your last one. I hope feeding them gets easier with solid foods. It sounds like you and your hubby are doing everything in your power to give your twins what they need! I will be starting solid foods soon as weel. I like the idea of freezing them a few weeks ahead of time. I will have to do that too.
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