So Not Inspired

I am so not inspired to create a blog post. I'm down in the dumps and grieving. But, I need to push my last post farther away, so that I only need to see Benelli's pictures when I want to see them. It's been hard to check up on any new posts of the blogs I follow with seeing that old familiar, lovable face every time. Plus, Sam and Anna turn 6 months old (!) on Thursday, and I need to work back to to the level of cheeriness worthy of being half a year old.

I was never a dog person until I met my husband. My family didn't have pets growing up, so I didn't know the joys and challenges of having a pet like a dog. While we were engaged, my then-fiance convinced me that we should get a lab- to use as a hunting dog for him while duck, goose, and pheasant hunting.

I never knew what I was getting myself into- on both ends of the spectrum. Puppies (especially hard-headed and rambunctious ones like Benelli was) are not easy to take care of. One person I work with told me that her puppy was more work than her infant. While I don't agree with that statement in our case at least (two infants at the same time is a whole different ballgame), puppies take a lot of time and effort. But I also didn't know that I would be opening my heart up to a realm of love that had never existed in it before. Until you've had a dog that you care for as it's main provider and see it grow up from puppyhood to old age while you go through major life changes as well, you cannot comprehend the love that you can have for a animal. While Benelli was a part of our family we got married, moved away from our families to a different state, bought our first and second homes, started professional jobs, endured IF, and expanded our family by another puppy and two babies at the same time among other less-major changes. While we had Benelli, my husband and I grew up.

I know very well that most people probably don't understand how I am feeling right now. Benelli wasn't just a dog for me- he was my first child- albeit a furry one. Considering a dog like a person or a child used to make me roll my eyes before- Now I get it. We have a sign hanging in our basement- "All dogs are pets- Labrador Retrievers are family." And in our case, it is true- Benelli was a part of our family.

I am glad that we chose to make the last 24 hours of his life filled with his favorite things. Friday night, I took just him for one last long walk, ending at the woods so he could explore without the confinement of a leash, we walked at his pace; stopping as often as he wanted and for as long as he wanted to sniff. We let him sleep on the bed that night (a treat usually reserved for when my husband was gone hunting or on a work trip). My husband was able to take him goose hunting one last time Saturday morning as well. We played fetch in the yard and he laid in the sun for awhile. He got lots of treats- cheeseburgers from McDonald's and an entire bowl full of buttered popcorn- his favorite treat of all. There's nothing I would have changed at all leading up to his appointment. I will always be thankful that he was able to do those things instead of being in too much pain to do anything.

Although I'm still ridiculously busy with twin babies and working again full time, his absence is still painfully obvious. It's there when I realize I don't have to walk carefully in the dark to avoid stepping on him as he sleeps in the most random of spots. It's there when all is quiet in our house and I don't hear his sighs, snores, or farts. It's there when I wake up in the early morning hours to get ready for work and now I'm all alone in the kitchen without a furry beast begging for good-morning-butt-scratches by going between my legs. It's there when our other dog sniffs things that belonged to him as if to show she's wondering where he is. It's there when I notice his usual hiding spot under the stairs is painfully empty. It's there when I realize we have to change our way of phrasing things- it's no longer "let the dogs out" but "let Bella out" It's there when we go for a walk as a family.


(Eh- that wasn't even remotely happier, was it? Oh well- I guess I have tomorrow to work on it. )