This Time I'm Saying Something

Last year about this time, I received a nasty comment. At the time I was third-trimester-pregnant with twins, trying to get through the same hustle and bustle holidays bring that everyone goes through. I was ready for a few days off of work, like most people are. I chose not to dignify the comment with acknowledging it on my blog, but it hurt. I simply posted a comment stating- if you don't like what you read on my blog- then DON'T READ IT. The negativity of the words affected me so much that the stress of the holidays combined with the hurt of the comment caused me to go into preterm labor and spend the night in the hospital, deathly afraid that my babies would be making their appearance at 26 weeks. I have kept this to myself since then, and I am only including it now in the hopes that people stop and think about how their words affect other people before blasting off a comment under the protective cloak of anonymity. I have moved on from that comment, but I have not forgotten it and have tried to keep a nice balance of the truthful, honest record of our lives and happy baby moments.

The fact of the matter is though, that this is my blog. This is my place to record what goes on with our lives. Someday I will go back and read my words and not just remember the fluff that the pictures show, but that I was a strong mom that got through the hard times too. I also think it is important for people reading to know that it isn't all sunshine and roses on the other side of the IF wall. If you are expecting that, then you will have a hard time once your IF is resolved. You will feel guilty for struggling or having a hard day- but you need to know that IT IS OKAY. Being a parent is hard. It is full of amazingly wonderfulness, but it can still be hard at times. Twins are not easy, severe reflux is not easy, being a working mom is not easy. I know I am not the only one walking in these shoes, which is precisely why I share my experience on this blog. I blog not only to have a permanent record of my IF journey, my pregnancy and my twins' first year, but to get that shared life experience of "me too."

This morning I received another nasty, negative, hurtful comment. This time I'm saying something- but then will delete this post sometime in the future so I don't have the negativity saved forever in my blog archives. My top pet peeves are: eye rolling (because it is disrespectful), improper use of apostrophes (the teacher in me), and hypocritical people. It boggles my mind when people throw harsh negative words around saying that they hate reading things they perceive as negative on someone's blog. First off- who are you to exempt yourself from being negative? If I am in fact truly being negative (although I don't feel I am), at least I don't direct it at someone and tell them that I pity the people that interact with and love them. Secondly, going back to my point I mentioned before- DON'T READ IT IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT. No one is holding a gun to your head. Move along and find a blog that doesn't depress you- it sounds like you might need it anyway if sharing my life depresses you any way. I don't feel like my life is depressing- I think it is amazing- full of excitement, never dull, wonderfully blessed and I would change very little of it if given the chance.

In my last post, I wrote how I got through a week of solo-parenting. In writing that, I am not complaining- I am celebrating my success in coming out at the end of the week still happy and able to get things done. My children were fed well, clean, and clean-clothed; my class was taught well and report cards were completed, and I did all that by myself. I am putting it in writing so that once several trips are under our belt and I feel like doing it on my own is not such a big deal, I can look back and remember when that wasn't the case. Just like how I felt proud of taking Sam and Anna out of the house by myself at 5 weeks old- but now its a routine practice and no big deal. I'm proud of how far I've come. If I was whining or complaining about the flu, I would have typed- "it's not fair that we got sick" or something along those lines. My reason for adding that we got the flu shot? Not so that I gave the impression that we shouldn't have gotten sick, but to avoid comments from people asking if we did or telling me that we should have.

If I was going to fill my blog with complaining posts- I would have post after post discussing the fact that Sam and Anna have not slept through the night in weeks. I would have post after post about the lack of support I get from my family. I would complain about how my mother could care less about what my children are doing, but constantly brag about my nephews. I would describe how sad it makes me to have missed seeing Anna roll both ways for the first time, miss her first tooth popping through (it has since receded), or that Sam and Anna light up when they see their daycare provider, but don't always even smile for me when I pick them up. I would have posts expressing how I wish my children were sitting better, crawling better or doing things it seems like other babies their age are doing. If I was complaining, this blog would be all about that. But it is not. Instead, I share their monthly milestones. Cute pictures that make me melt inside every time I look at them. Their progress in being good eaters.

I get it that this time of year is very difficult for many people. I have been there. I am still infertile even though I hold two babies in my arms at night. I have not forgotten. But any pain you feel does not give you the right to take it out on another person. EVER. I hope I can teach my children to be empathetic people and learn that. The world needs more empathetic people in it. The world needs to remember the longstanding rule: if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. If I don't like what I read on someone's blog, I don't comment, or if I continually don't like it, I stop reading- it is as easy and simple as that. SO please, if you don't like what you read around here- please stop reading. Do both yourself and my family a favor. Other people must like what I write- I get hundreds of views for each post I write, and I am the 3rd top multiple blog on Top Mommy Blogs, so if you don't, please move along.

I have always allowed anonymous comments, in the hopes that it will give courage to lurkers to comment and connect with others. Unfortunately, I cannot allow negative comments like this to bring me or my blog down any more, so from now on, all comments will be moderated and anonymous comments will not be allowed. I still hope people have the courage to comment on my blog, even if it is just a "me too." Thank you to those that read and supply positive comments often. If you are a lurker, thanks for reading as well, and I'd love to hear from you, too!

So Not Inspired

I am so not inspired to create a blog post. I'm down in the dumps and grieving. But, I need to push my last post farther away, so that I only need to see Benelli's pictures when I want to see them. It's been hard to check up on any new posts of the blogs I follow with seeing that old familiar, lovable face every time. Plus, Sam and Anna turn 6 months old (!) on Thursday, and I need to work back to to the level of cheeriness worthy of being half a year old.

I was never a dog person until I met my husband. My family didn't have pets growing up, so I didn't know the joys and challenges of having a pet like a dog. While we were engaged, my then-fiance convinced me that we should get a lab- to use as a hunting dog for him while duck, goose, and pheasant hunting.

I never knew what I was getting myself into- on both ends of the spectrum. Puppies (especially hard-headed and rambunctious ones like Benelli was) are not easy to take care of. One person I work with told me that her puppy was more work than her infant. While I don't agree with that statement in our case at least (two infants at the same time is a whole different ballgame), puppies take a lot of time and effort. But I also didn't know that I would be opening my heart up to a realm of love that had never existed in it before. Until you've had a dog that you care for as it's main provider and see it grow up from puppyhood to old age while you go through major life changes as well, you cannot comprehend the love that you can have for a animal. While Benelli was a part of our family we got married, moved away from our families to a different state, bought our first and second homes, started professional jobs, endured IF, and expanded our family by another puppy and two babies at the same time among other less-major changes. While we had Benelli, my husband and I grew up.

I know very well that most people probably don't understand how I am feeling right now. Benelli wasn't just a dog for me- he was my first child- albeit a furry one. Considering a dog like a person or a child used to make me roll my eyes before- Now I get it. We have a sign hanging in our basement- "All dogs are pets- Labrador Retrievers are family." And in our case, it is true- Benelli was a part of our family.

I am glad that we chose to make the last 24 hours of his life filled with his favorite things. Friday night, I took just him for one last long walk, ending at the woods so he could explore without the confinement of a leash, we walked at his pace; stopping as often as he wanted and for as long as he wanted to sniff. We let him sleep on the bed that night (a treat usually reserved for when my husband was gone hunting or on a work trip). My husband was able to take him goose hunting one last time Saturday morning as well. We played fetch in the yard and he laid in the sun for awhile. He got lots of treats- cheeseburgers from McDonald's and an entire bowl full of buttered popcorn- his favorite treat of all. There's nothing I would have changed at all leading up to his appointment. I will always be thankful that he was able to do those things instead of being in too much pain to do anything.

Although I'm still ridiculously busy with twin babies and working again full time, his absence is still painfully obvious. It's there when I realize I don't have to walk carefully in the dark to avoid stepping on him as he sleeps in the most random of spots. It's there when all is quiet in our house and I don't hear his sighs, snores, or farts. It's there when I wake up in the early morning hours to get ready for work and now I'm all alone in the kitchen without a furry beast begging for good-morning-butt-scratches by going between my legs. It's there when our other dog sniffs things that belonged to him as if to show she's wondering where he is. It's there when I notice his usual hiding spot under the stairs is painfully empty. It's there when I realize we have to change our way of phrasing things- it's no longer "let the dogs out" but "let Bella out" It's there when we go for a walk as a family.


(Eh- that wasn't even remotely happier, was it? Oh well- I guess I have tomorrow to work on it. )

The Rainbow Bridge

Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge.

When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge.

There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together.
There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.

All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor; those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by.

The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind.

They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent; His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.

You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.

Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together.... (Author Unknown)

Benelli

August 13, 2002 - September 4, 2010