All of my life, I wanted two children. Preferably a boy and a girl (as I thought in my pre-IF days as a not-quite-grown-up girl), but during and post IF, of course any gender would have been quite wonderful. When I met my husband in college and I realized he was The One, I was thrilled to find out that he too wanted two children. Perfect, right? No need to have The Talk to try to convince him to change his mind. So we happily settled into our marriage expecting just that.
Than infertility became a huge part of our life, irrevocably shaping who we are. We poured out our prayers for one baby, not really daring to wish for more...until our IVF cycle gave us around 50% odds of multiples. Then we wished fervently for twins, not really feeling worthy of such a perfect ending.
It is ironic to me that for so long, I thought two children was what I wanted, and I ended up having just that after thinking for so long that having just one might never happen. It is even more ironic to me now, because I find myself with babies on the brain. Every so often, the thought of another child pops in. I know that this isn't completely unusual as my babies speed so fast towards their first birthday, and their newborn days seem so far away. I do realize that.
When I was pregnant I put a lot of effort into soaking in every experience and feeling, because I knew it would be my only time. While Sam and Anna were born, during their early days, and even at this age, I often make myself stop and really be "in the moment," imprinting each experience in my brain, because there will not be another first smile, first word, first kiss, etc. in our lives. I won't feel another kick from the inside. There won't be another sleeping newborn son or daughter in my arms. Sometimes this makes me sad, because I know now how those things feel. I want to experience them again.
I know we will never try to have more children. We will not pursue ART again. I am 100% positive of that. I am content with my family of four. But I find myself growing more and more discontent with taking birth control to prevent having more children. Going through infertility really made me aware how miraculous and amazingly wonderful having a child is. I'm not Catholic, but I find myself getting more and more spiritual about the gift of bringing a child into this world. On a level most people don't get to experience, I think I was able to truly appreciate being given the gift of becoming Sam and Anna's mother.
It would expand my heart to be given that gift again. (And let's face it, with 0% sperm morphology, it will literally be a miracle of God for us to get pregnant without ART.) Somehow now, a family with three children doesn't seem that bad anymore. Now to just help my husband feel the same...
*This post was brought to you by a glass of wine by myself on night three of my husband being gone. :)
11 comments:
Not a day goes by anymore that I don't turn this very same conversation over in my own head.
We were never given a diagnosis for our infertility..."unexplained". Then twins on a 10% chance with IUI & clomid. SO BLESSED.
I can say with 100% assurance that we will not pursue ART again either. It was ABSOLUTELY the RIGHT choice for us at that time, and we are OBVIOUSLY soooo glad that we did...but it was a one time thing for us.
And honestly, I spent 3 years begging God for just ONE baby...and now I have TWO...who could ask for anything more???
But I hear ya.I think a lot of it is the 1 year mark approaching. And the knowledge that this IS most likely "it"...it's hard.
But then I think...ya know, most days we are in WAY over our heads with these two =)
I love the disclaimer! ;) It's so true that these babies are turning in to toddlers so quick! I am still not on birth control because of bf'ing... but I wonder how content I will be in poping those pills!
On the bright side, the trip must be going well if you're considering a third...
I totally understand. Although we wanted 4 kids, so I don't need to convince my husband for more. What I WOULD need to cinvince him of is getting started on treatments again, because he's not exactly excited to get on that train. He has some far-fetched fanciful idea that we should try naturally again, even though I don't ovulate and he has low sperm count and motility. Needless to say, we will NOT be going that route.
I've heard (and read) that morphology isn't as big a deal in getting pregnant as some people think? (Although I do know everything you had to go through to get pregnant). So if you went BCP free, you just might get your miracle baby one day!!:)
Hopefully DH will be on the same page as you!
So often I've had my heart set on something being a certain way only to find a change of heart along the way. That's perfectly fine, right? At least we are in a position right now of never having to have those horrible thoughts of "maybe I'll never have a child" - Praise God! And who knows what He has in store!
I'm at the 4-month mark and already feel that way. I haven't bothered with birth control since I'm still breastfeeding and we, too, have low motility and 0% normal morphology. I'll gamble with our quoted <1% chance of natural conception. But I don't know if I could put myself or our family through more IVF; emotionally, physically, or financially. It took 3 cycles to conceive, and we don't really know why it finally worked other than pure chance. So, who knows what would happen (or not) if we went through it again. I figure I'll keep an open mind until my son is about a year old or so, and then we'd better make some solid choices and stick with them.
I know I haven't been there, but I've heard from so many people that once you have one, it's hard to not want another. :)
That glass of wine sure sounds wonderful. :)
I had no idea you were taking birth control! Not that you need to tell me everything ;) Anyway, I understand why you are getting the baby bug. Once they start getting more independent and things get easier, it's natural to want to do it again because the hard part seems so distant. I think Jake should just let you come off the BC's. I mean, like you said, if you get pregnant it will obviously be meant to be and amazing! I haven't done BC at all since Lexi was born because of our struggle from the get go. And surprise, nothing has happened. But that's kind of what I expected. I figure, if I do get pregnant, what an amazing gift and surprise, but if not, I really am content with my one wonderful daughter, but I do have the same yearnings that you are experiencing. And I don't know that we will ever do fertility treatments again. Anyway, thanks for sharing what you're feeling and hope you enjoyed that glass of wine :)
I think my hubby would be happy with just one, but he knows how much I want two. It makes me mad sometimes that I can't just get pregnant effortlessly (and for free!). Your babies are growing up so fast!
Although I am not to the point of raising my baby yet (just growing it), I can completely understand how you would be considering how you would feel if you were blessed with another one. I know that 2 is all you "wanted", but after feeling so blessed, it would only be natural to want to be blessed again.
Hope the rest of the time sans Jake went smoothly!
first of all, i love the "this post was brought to you by..." line. :)
you know, miracles do happen. do you read circus princess' blog? she got her miracle. skip that birth control and you never know what could happen! and think what great older siblings sam and anna will be! good luck with convincing the hubby!
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