The Breastfeeding Saga

Ahh, breastfeeding. What an adventure. How my children were being fed was the center of my thinking for the first week of their life. Now that that has changed, I feel fully able to take a step back and reflect on my experiences.

I started breastfeeding within an hour of their birth. It took a while after the c-section to fix and clean me up, and get the babies weighed/cleaned up and get their HepB shots taken care of, among other things. I was so anxious to start, because I knew that the sooner the better was important for success.

We tried (oh we tried) for their first 48 hours. We had several factors working against us. Anna's small size and my large chest were one of the biggest challenges. She had a very difficult time getting her tiny mouth around more than just my nipple (read:ouch). Her small size also presented another challenge- any baby has to work hard at nursing, and she didn't have the stamina to keep at it for as long as she needed to (who knows if her heart murmur also made things more difficult for her?). There was also the added challenge of TWO babies that needed to figure things out. Just when one baby finally had success, there was no down time to bask in that success - I immediately had to switch to the other child and start the painful process of getting things going again. The babes needed to be fed at least every 2-3 hours. It took 45 minutes to almost an hour for each baby to successfully feed. That means I only had an hour or so of down time before needing to start all over again, if I was lucky- even throughout the night. Some times, I had a 15 minute break- enough time to go to the bathroom and drink some water before starting the process again.

After the second night, I was in rough shape from lack of sleep and my own recovery. I probably slept 4 hours of disjointed sleep total in those 2 days. I just wanted to hold my babies, damn it, and enjoy them- not struggle to do something that hurt and frustrated all of us 24/7. I was getting upset that my husband got to do all the cuddling, all the diaper changes and had time to do things like go to the bathroom and brush his teeth. Sam was finally starting to get the hang of things during the second night. That second night feeding Sam that one time was one of the only times when I felt happy to be breastfeeding. If Anna was as successful, I may have tried to continue longer.

On the second day, the babies vitals were taken, and it was determined that they had lost 8-9% of their birth weight. It is a concern when they get to 10% and we were dangerously close. Because they were so small, they had a much smaller amount of ounces that they could loose. A 9 or even 7 lb baby has a little more room to lose a few ounces. We had a discussion with the pediatrician about the need to supplement very soon. We discussed using a feeding tube and I hit rock bottom- it was just too much and I was falling apart. The struggles and lack of sleep had done me in and I wanted to be DONE.

We called in a nurse and told her the decision through tears. She called in the lactation consultant and we had a long chat. We decided to pump and then supplement with formula afterwards to make sure the babies were gaining enough weight. Sam could have continued breastfeeding because he was getting the hang of it and lost less weight, but we felt strongly that both children were going to be fed the same way. I felt like a huge weight lifted because I knew I wouldn't be trying so hard and still have babies that were too small. So on the second day, I threw in the towel on nursing and turned to pumping.

Pumping went relatively well at the hospital compared to breastfeeding. It didn't take nearly as long and we were able to start working on a feeding routine by feeding both at the same time instead of feeding around the clock. My poor nipples which had already started to bleed from two days of constantly nursing began to heal quickly. That third night in the hospital, I actually got 4 hours of continuous sleep, which felt glorious! I was able to hold my babies and just enjoy them. People were able to visit me because my boobs weren't hanging out literally all the time(although I did make my mother and MIL leave the room while I pumped). And most importantly, the babies' weight started to rebound.

Once we came home on Saturday, I continued pumping. As we started to regain our normal household activities- laundry, washing dishes, taking care of our dogs- as well as baby care, pumping started to be a huge time drain as well. If I pumped in the living room, we needed to shut the curtains. If I was pumping in another room like our bedroom, I felt isolated. When people were visiting, I was shut away in a room by myself pumping. We are still on a 2-3 hour schedule, with eating at least every three hours. A friend of mine said pumping for one baby is like feeding twins (because you do one and then the other) and pumping for twins is like having triplets. Granted, it took less time to pump and feed than exclusively breastfeeding (and then supplementing) but it still took a long time. I was feeling very drained and frustrated that although I was pumping, we still were giving half breast milk and half formula via bottle. I was tired. So one week after the babies were born, I stopped pumping and we switched to exclusively formula. I felt free. I felt like I had my energy back. I felt like I could actually enjoy my babies. I felt like my husband and I could finally each contribute 50% of the baby care.

I know that had breastfeeding been a success, in time I could tandem feed and it would have taken less time than solely formula feeding. But ultimately, breastfeeding was not for me.

I still have moments where I feel like I failed. Where I have enormous guilt for not providing what I should for my babies. The closeness of breastfeeding when it worked was awesome- and I felt those great hormones being released. But more often I felt frustrated, in pain, and unhappy. A happy mom = happy babies, so deep down I know I decided to do what was best for our children. I firmly believe that unless you have a very strong desire to breastfeed your twins(which I did not- if you remember I was on the fence while pregnant) and are willing to get past what seems like the impossible, exclusively breastfeeding twins will not work. I have often heard people say that breastfeeding their baby was the hardest thing they've ever done. Times that by two and I think it is easy to understand why my children are now formula-fed.

In the end, I am happy. And a happy mom = happy babies.

Breastfeeding part two

I failed to discuss the breastfeeding class last Thursday- mostly because I spent the weekend nursing my cold instead. Like the other classes we've taken so far- baby care basics and the birthing class- I left feeling a.) good that I knew more than I thought I did going in and b.) slightly disappointed that I didn't get more out of it. They always have cookies at the classes though- yum!

Interestingly enough- of the 6 pregnant women there, 3 of us were expecting twins. Crazy odds, huh? You would think that the instructor would have maybe geared a little bit more than she typically does towards nursing twins, but nope- she hardly mentioned it, except to answer the specific questions one of us had. The other woman that was having boy/girl twins is due March 4th and the other twin mommy-to-be is due at the beginning of April. It is totally possible for all three of us to deliver within days of each other. Our hospital typically has one set of twins delivered a month.

The class did help strengthen my decision that this is something I will try to do and that I will try my hardest to make it work at least for the first month. Now the only class we have left is our Infant CPR class at the end of February. We were supposed to have that class in December when I was in the hospital, so we rescheduled it for the only time left open. I should be almost 36 weeks at that point...gulp!

My friend is lending me her Medela Pump In Style pump so I don't have to buy one. Although I know "they" say not to use a used pump, I just can't justify (or afford) a few hundred dollars for a brand new pump when the breastfeeding twins thing is still awfully daunting for me. She said I should just buy new tubing for it. *Tip for you: I called Medela to find out the style number for the tubing, and the company said they'd send me new tubing and membranes for the pump completely free. That alone saved me probably close to $30. Also, I emailed both Medela and Lansinoh customer service inquiring about samples... and both companies sent me sample nursing pads, lanolin cream, breast milk storage bags, gel pads ,wipes, coupons, and a few other things. Yay for free stuff!

Questions I've Been Mulling Over

To breastfeed or not?

Honestly, I don't feel a big pull to breastfeed. I'm just not sure it's going to be my cup of tea. Although I know it is very healthy for a baby to be breastfed, I read this article this week that explains breast milk is not as important as previously thought. My driving motivation is mostly the cost savings versus formula feeding for two. When you add in the cost of pumping supplies, storage bags, nursing bras, more diapers (breastfed babies go through more- or so I've heard), cream, pads, etc.- breastfeed is most definitely not free though. If I breastfeed, it will be only for a maximum of 6 months. I know it can be difficult for a mother of one newborn to breastfeed- and I will have the added challenge of two infants at the same time. The advantage of my husband (or a helper) being able to do 50% of the feeding with formula (and the extra sleep that will come with tag teaming!) is very appealing to me. If we decide to formula feed from the start, we wouldn't need to prepare for both. But then I come back to the hundreds of dollars we'd save without having to buy formula. Right now I'm in a limbo of trying to figure out what we need for option a.)exclusive breastfeeding b.)breastfeeding for a little while then switching to formula c.) breastfeeding for months first or d.) formula feeding from the start. I just can't decide what to do!
*edited to add: I didn't mention the plus of burning calories faster and thus losing weight with bfing. I understand the important of bonding... but I also think that my children bonding with their father is equally important. Do I need to have a unique bond through bfing? I don't feel so- I already have a unique bond by carrying them for months and delivering them.

C-Section or Vaginal Birth?

My OB is 100% comfortable with whatever option I want to pursue, provided the first baby is head down. (According to the last u/s, this is currently the case, but it can still change) It is more likely that I will need a C-section with the twins, because even if one is head down- once he/she is out, anything can happen with the other baby once there's suddenly lots of room to move around and he/she could suddenly become breech or transverse. I will be delivering in an operating room regardless of the positions or my preference. Some days, I lean towards a C-section, so that I know what I can focus on going through and forget the rest. With that option, I won't need to worry about delivering one vaginally and one C-section. Honestly, it scares me to think of the recovery I'd have to go through if I experienced both types of delivery. On the other hand- this WILL be my only birth. A small part of me is okay right now with the potential of both a vaginal delivery and C-section, because then I'd get to experience both. But I've always had a feeling that I'd have C-sections because I have pretty narrow hips. Which way I'm leaning changes depending on the day!
* edited to add: the twins in my class were delivered one vaginally, one C-section by my OB. I'm not really sure how this affects my viewpoint, but it does a little.

To circumcise or not?

I've pretty much left this one up to my husband- since I get to make so many of the other decisions. I also feel like I can't really make the choice, because I haven't personally experienced either way! Neither one of us has a strong opinion about it. We've read lots about both sides... and still haven't come to a conclusion. It seems that although there are small advantages to both, it is ultimately just a personal preference. Time's ticking though- and a decision needs to be made.
*edited to add: 80% of the world's population is NOT circ'd. It is a common choice in the US, but is becoming less common every year. Some days I just cannot justify causing my baby pain for something that does not really have a medical advantage. Interestingly, which way I'm leaning each day is inversely related to the way my husband is leaning. Figures.

Comments to help sway me one way or the other and decide on any of the topics?