The Breastfeeding Saga

Ahh, breastfeeding. What an adventure. How my children were being fed was the center of my thinking for the first week of their life. Now that that has changed, I feel fully able to take a step back and reflect on my experiences.

I started breastfeeding within an hour of their birth. It took a while after the c-section to fix and clean me up, and get the babies weighed/cleaned up and get their HepB shots taken care of, among other things. I was so anxious to start, because I knew that the sooner the better was important for success.

We tried (oh we tried) for their first 48 hours. We had several factors working against us. Anna's small size and my large chest were one of the biggest challenges. She had a very difficult time getting her tiny mouth around more than just my nipple (read:ouch). Her small size also presented another challenge- any baby has to work hard at nursing, and she didn't have the stamina to keep at it for as long as she needed to (who knows if her heart murmur also made things more difficult for her?). There was also the added challenge of TWO babies that needed to figure things out. Just when one baby finally had success, there was no down time to bask in that success - I immediately had to switch to the other child and start the painful process of getting things going again. The babes needed to be fed at least every 2-3 hours. It took 45 minutes to almost an hour for each baby to successfully feed. That means I only had an hour or so of down time before needing to start all over again, if I was lucky- even throughout the night. Some times, I had a 15 minute break- enough time to go to the bathroom and drink some water before starting the process again.

After the second night, I was in rough shape from lack of sleep and my own recovery. I probably slept 4 hours of disjointed sleep total in those 2 days. I just wanted to hold my babies, damn it, and enjoy them- not struggle to do something that hurt and frustrated all of us 24/7. I was getting upset that my husband got to do all the cuddling, all the diaper changes and had time to do things like go to the bathroom and brush his teeth. Sam was finally starting to get the hang of things during the second night. That second night feeding Sam that one time was one of the only times when I felt happy to be breastfeeding. If Anna was as successful, I may have tried to continue longer.

On the second day, the babies vitals were taken, and it was determined that they had lost 8-9% of their birth weight. It is a concern when they get to 10% and we were dangerously close. Because they were so small, they had a much smaller amount of ounces that they could loose. A 9 or even 7 lb baby has a little more room to lose a few ounces. We had a discussion with the pediatrician about the need to supplement very soon. We discussed using a feeding tube and I hit rock bottom- it was just too much and I was falling apart. The struggles and lack of sleep had done me in and I wanted to be DONE.

We called in a nurse and told her the decision through tears. She called in the lactation consultant and we had a long chat. We decided to pump and then supplement with formula afterwards to make sure the babies were gaining enough weight. Sam could have continued breastfeeding because he was getting the hang of it and lost less weight, but we felt strongly that both children were going to be fed the same way. I felt like a huge weight lifted because I knew I wouldn't be trying so hard and still have babies that were too small. So on the second day, I threw in the towel on nursing and turned to pumping.

Pumping went relatively well at the hospital compared to breastfeeding. It didn't take nearly as long and we were able to start working on a feeding routine by feeding both at the same time instead of feeding around the clock. My poor nipples which had already started to bleed from two days of constantly nursing began to heal quickly. That third night in the hospital, I actually got 4 hours of continuous sleep, which felt glorious! I was able to hold my babies and just enjoy them. People were able to visit me because my boobs weren't hanging out literally all the time(although I did make my mother and MIL leave the room while I pumped). And most importantly, the babies' weight started to rebound.

Once we came home on Saturday, I continued pumping. As we started to regain our normal household activities- laundry, washing dishes, taking care of our dogs- as well as baby care, pumping started to be a huge time drain as well. If I pumped in the living room, we needed to shut the curtains. If I was pumping in another room like our bedroom, I felt isolated. When people were visiting, I was shut away in a room by myself pumping. We are still on a 2-3 hour schedule, with eating at least every three hours. A friend of mine said pumping for one baby is like feeding twins (because you do one and then the other) and pumping for twins is like having triplets. Granted, it took less time to pump and feed than exclusively breastfeeding (and then supplementing) but it still took a long time. I was feeling very drained and frustrated that although I was pumping, we still were giving half breast milk and half formula via bottle. I was tired. So one week after the babies were born, I stopped pumping and we switched to exclusively formula. I felt free. I felt like I had my energy back. I felt like I could actually enjoy my babies. I felt like my husband and I could finally each contribute 50% of the baby care.

I know that had breastfeeding been a success, in time I could tandem feed and it would have taken less time than solely formula feeding. But ultimately, breastfeeding was not for me.

I still have moments where I feel like I failed. Where I have enormous guilt for not providing what I should for my babies. The closeness of breastfeeding when it worked was awesome- and I felt those great hormones being released. But more often I felt frustrated, in pain, and unhappy. A happy mom = happy babies, so deep down I know I decided to do what was best for our children. I firmly believe that unless you have a very strong desire to breastfeed your twins(which I did not- if you remember I was on the fence while pregnant) and are willing to get past what seems like the impossible, exclusively breastfeeding twins will not work. I have often heard people say that breastfeeding their baby was the hardest thing they've ever done. Times that by two and I think it is easy to understand why my children are now formula-fed.

In the end, I am happy. And a happy mom = happy babies.