Why is it that just when you are feeling good and in a good place, IF kicks you right back down with a vengeance???
Really, this rollercoaster of IF really has a sick and twisted mind.
This morning, I was in an unusually good mood for a last day of the work week. I was smiling, singing along to Bob Marley and sipping my Friday treat: a White Chocolate Mocha on my way to school. I actually thought to myself: Hey- my life is pretty good. And then as an after thought: Well, except for the not having a baby stuff, my life is pretty good. And then I almost cried. I almost cried because I was able to think about this hell as an afterthought. I felt proud of myself that I have come so far. And I felt good. It was nice to feel good without it being Jamaica-induced.
Fast forward to this afternoon: My day took a 180 degree about face. My co-workers were at their typical best. (I was going to type in rare form, but then realized its not so rare, really.) Then the -- I don't know, maybe 60th? -- shoe dropped. And no, I'm not exaggerating. It has to be close to 60 damn PG announcements I've endured in the past three damn years. I seriously didn't realize that I knew that many fertile uteruses. Omitting most of the details- this is a really hard one. She told me she was PG in February, then had a m/c. And although I would not wish a m/c on anyone or the inability to get PG (please don't misinterpret me)- she is PG again and that makes it hard. Makes it hard for me b/c I went through this with her about a month ago. Completely selfishly of me, I wish I had a few more months to build up the strength to deal with this. But I don't get that luxury. Damn IF. Stop toying with me.
Well, at least I get Friday off.
Oh and I didn't mention the appropriate daily quote from my calendar, "I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish He didn't trust me so much." --Mother Teresa
My thoughts exactly.
3 comments:
Katie, I feel the same way sometimes. Things are going good, you start dealing with the fact that the months of not getting PG keep passing, and then wham! another PG announcement or some other IF health issues comes up. It doesn't get any easier. Please don't feel bad for feeling a little jealous and sad, it's not selfish, it's how you feel and sometimes we can't help the way we feel. I haven't talked to my friend who told me she was PG, since she told me, she's been avoiding me at all costs, won't even sit near me in class, I think that hurts more than her telling me she's PG. My point is, the jealousy and asking why not me? are all the feelings I've had and I'm sure others with IF have. So please don't feel bad about it. Unfortunately, it is a rollercoaster. And things will get better again. Just hold on to the fact that your IVF is coming soon, and then you'll be announcing your PG to your co-workers!
Melissa
Katie, it sounds as if you had a terrible day. I am pretty sure I know which friend you are talking about and I am sure that is hard on you. HUGS to you and I am thinking of you!
Carli
Could not have wrapped it up with a better quote! Have you started counting down the days yet until school is over? Not so much as a needed break time from teaching, but just to get a break from your co-workers. Hugs!
Jamie
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