Failure

I feel like a big fat failure. I feel like I'm failing at taking the best care of me and therefore my babies and I feel like a failure as a kindergarten teacher because I am in an impossible balancing act between meeting my needs and the mammoth needs of the students in my class at the beginning of the year.

If you've never stepped foot into a kindergarten classroom- it is a bit deserving of combat pay all year round. It isn't like the older grades where you can give them an assignment and just expect them to work independently for a while. If all year round kindergarten is like combat, the beginning of the school year is like World War III. The kids aren't used to the increase in work load from preschool, and coming from where there were probably more than one teacher in the room (if they have any sort of prior school experience at all). They all want you to tie their shoes, ask to go to the bathroom, and need help writing their name on their project (and doing their project) all at the same time. Meanwhile 50% forgot the direction that came after "go sit down," one may be crying because they miss their parents, one probably wet their pants, etc. It is a feat in itself to maintain control, accomplish some sort of work beyond learning the rules and routines and stay sane at the beginning of the school. This year- I have quickly discovered I have an above average LOW class of 21 students that are at school all day long. I have 5 students that really need one on one help all the time. And that, I simply cannot give because I am only. one. person.

NOW add in the fact that I am supposed to drink 8 16 ozs of water a day (which I've never gotten close to and even attempting it of course makes me pee all the time), eat every two hours, and "rest" during the day. I don't have time to drink, eat, pee, AND rest. I barely have time to think (which has also proven to be more difficult this year- darn pregnancy brain.) If I rush to eat and pee when the students are out of my room for special classes or recess, then I have no prep time to get things prepared or lesson plans written. And what happened to my stamina??? I can't read a story or sing a song without getting out of breath. My rear hurts when I sit down in the little plastic chairs that know how to hit my PIO welts just so.

I just feel like I can't do it. I just can't do both. I can't be a good teacher and do what is best for my babies all the time. Every day, at the end of the day, I feel bad that I didn't put my babies first all the time and eat or drink or rest more. I feel bad that I'm not being a good teacher and instilling the rules and routines as well as I usually do.

Oh, and add in the fact that this morning, while carrying my bags in to my room, I lost my balance and fell hard onto to school floor. Damn loosening ligaments. I of course, start crying thinking- that's it; I'm the worst mom ever- I am going to miscarry my babies because I carried too much and put school farther ahead than them. What a very nice way to start the week- and the school day. Right now my left ankle, knee and elbow and hand hurts. I'm praying hard that my abdomen doesn't start hurting.